


All My Love Will Remain

by KrystalM



Series: Remain [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Breaking Up & Making Up, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Professor/Cadet Relationship, Starfleet Academy AU, Teacher-Student Relationship, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-04 23:46:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 71,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4157499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrystalM/pseuds/KrystalM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cadet Jim Kirk had been dating a Vulcan professor named Spock for almost three years. But in his final year in Starfleet Academy, Jim started to feel like their relationship was beginning to sound one-sided as he noticed Spock getting fascinated with Cadet Uhura, his xenolinguistics star student. Not to mention when Jim finds out that he is assigned to U.S.S Farragut meanwhile Spock and Uhura are assigned to U.S.S Enterprise, things take a nasty turn for their relationship and Jim ends up walking away, thinking that he's giving Spock a chance to be with someone who is truly worthy of him. </p><p>Six years later, James Tiberius Kirk ends up as Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise. And he meets Spock again, this time as his First Officer. Old feelings resurfaces and insecurities still bubbles about between them, but this time, can the outcome be different?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine! 
> 
> A/N: Well, I was bored and suddenly, one day, this plot just came to me and I'm like--hm, why not? I always wanted them to break up at some point and you know, meet again after so many years--so yeah. Here it is~! This is the first part, the second part will be published once I written it down and edited it. I hope you guys like it. I truly do and I hope it all makes sense. Anyways, scroll down and enjoy!
> 
> Catch me here too!
> 
> [Wattpad](http://www.wattpad.com/user/KrystalM) | [FFNet ](http://www.fanfiction.net/~xokrystalmox) | [GoodReads](https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/42035367-krystal-m) | [Tumblr](http://thekmuniverse.tumblr.com/) | [LiveJournal](http://kmunroe.livejournal.com/)

 

 

It was the first year of his stay in Starfleet Academy when he met Spock, the Vulcan Professor who taught xenolinguistics. The half-Vulcan almost immediately took Jim off guard with his seriousness and coldness. He first heard about Spock when Bones, his roommate and fast-made best friend, grumbled as he walked into their dorm room, complaining about his temporary xenobiology lecturer.

 

Jim learned that Spock was cold and he was everything a ‘pointy-eared-bastard’ should be in Bones’s books. But Jim was intrigued and so, when Bones finally pointed at who Spock was, he was awestruck at the sheer elegance of that man. Bones merely scoffed and told Jim to forget about his unreciprocated feelings.

 

But Jim wanted to know more of Spock.

 

So, he joined Spock’s xenolinguistics course during the summer.

 

And indeed, like everybody said, Spock was cold.

 

He was colder than the ice in North Pole.

 

But he was also sassy and sarcastic, rolling the words out of his tongue like he owned them—literally. Jim found it amusing honestly and not even slightly intimidating. So, he took more initiative to catch the professor’s attention by sitting in the first row and answering all his questions with a grin on his charming face.

 

Spock at first simply raised his eyebrows in a manner that would’ve sent the manliest man alive crying. His eyes were so dark and deep that Jim felt connected whenever he looked into them. They went through his soul and he felt how the half-Vulcan was scrutinising him silently even though he nodded at the answers and moved on with the lecture.

 

So, when he was called up after class one day, he was surprised that the Vulcan managed to _praise_ him for his good work on his latest assignment. The simple praise, it was short and not even worth much, made Jim felt light inside. For the first time in his life, he actually felt the slight flutters in his stomach when he looked at someone he obviously adored.

 

Then, Jim began to try his hardest to please Spock. Bones started to notice the pattern and sighed when Jim revealed of his latest infatuation on the professor.

 

“This isn’t right, Jim,” Bones said as he placed his xenobiology book on his lap, staring at the blond-haired man from across the room. “He’s a Vulcan. And he’s your professor at that. Temporary, I know, but still your professor. This isn’t worth it. The next thing you know, he’ll be the cause for your expulsion.”

 

“Bones,” Jim sighed as he leaned into his seat, pushing his books away and turning around to get a better look at his best friend. “He’s not _that_ cold.”

 

“Bullshit,” Bones muttered. “He’s a Vulcan, Jim! He does not know emotions.”

 

Jim shrugged. “He does have emotions, you know,” Jim bit out, suddenly feeling protective of the Vulcan. “They just don’t let it rule their heads like we do.”

 

Bones raised his eyebrows, crossing his arms against his chest as he stared at Jim. “Oh? Since when are you an expert of everything hobgoblin?” Bones asked sarcastically.

 

“Come on, Bones,” Jim said. “You just don’t know him that well.”

 

Bones quietened down after that before he muttered something else under his breath. “Whatever, kid,” he said after a minute. “Just don’t come cryin’ to me when he breaks your poor little heart.”

 

Jim grinned widely before he went back to his books.

 

And that was all Jim needed to continue learning more of Spock. The professor at first took a cautious step back when Jim started to talk to him without anything relating to his course. It was always a simple ‘Hi, Professor!’ or ‘How are you doing today, Prof?’ and Jim knew that the Vulcan contemplated on his answers warily, trying to figure out what he was trying to do.

 

Jim thought that was cute. So, after two months talking to Spock, the Vulcan finally asked him his real intentions trying to talk to Spock because to him, a conversation without a definite topic of discussion was illogical. The blond-haired man just looked at him before he shrugged, a grin working on his face.

 

“I just like talking to you,” he said after a minute of consideration.

 

Spock raised his eyebrows in a manner that always made Jim smile wide. “I do not understand,” the half-Vulcan finally concluded as they continued walking down to his office. Jim adjusted his bag and nodded, knowing that this was probably new for the half-Vulcan.

 

“It’s just,” Jim started, trying to find the right words. “What friends do. Aren’t we friends?”

 

Spock stopped walking immediately, looking at Jim in the eyes. “I believe we did not establish that parameter of our relationship yet, Cadet Kirk.”

 

Jim grinned before he rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, why don’t we broaden our parameters now? I like hanging out with you. If you’d like to, we can be friends.”

 

“Vulcans do not have friends,” Spock said as he started to walk again. Jim simply shrugged it off.

 

“Then, you can be the first to have one,” Jim said with a smile. Spock simply glanced at him and Jim knew he saw a spark of amusement in those orbs. But Spock never agreed, neither did he disagree so Jim continued on hanging out with Spock.

 

***

 

Jim learned a lot about the half-Vulcan. At first, the conversation would always end with a blank stare or the words ‘I believe it is none of your concern, cadet’ somewhere in between. Jim didn’t give up though. The more he got to know about Spock, the more curious he was to get to that deep parts of his new Vulcan friend.

 

Bones simply shook his head every time Jim came back to their dorm room looking giddy and a smile gracing his face. “You got it bad, didn’t you, kid?” Bones asked as Jim looked at him and grinned, his cheeks flushing.

 

“What? No!” he denied.

 

Bones simply levelled an unimpressed stare at him and Jim—ignored him.

 

Bones didn’t know anything about them, so Jim wasn’t going to waste his time listening to him.

 

But he did at the end.

 

Because his feelings for Spock changed after eight months of knowing him.

 

***

 

Spock was different when he finally got comfortable with Jim. He no longer used ‘Cadet Kirk’ or ‘Cadet’ when they were alone to address the human. Jim was glad that he was getting somewhere with Spock. His platonic feelings slowly changed into something more when one day, he looked at Spock and started to catalogue all the tiny quirks the half-Vulcan had when they were alone.

 

It made Jim feel light and fluffy inside. It made Jim felt like he could conquer the world. It didn’t take long for Jim to stop his womanising either. He wasn’t interested in chasing skirts just for pleasure anymore and that was one of the biggest changes in his life.

 

Spock made him feel solitarily his.

 

And that freaked Jim out.

 

These feelings were acting up on him and changing about according to their own wishes, ignoring Jim’s silent protests that it wouldn’t benefit anyone at the end of the day. Jim trusted Spock and that was where his feelings started to change, using that trust as a platform. Jim rarely trusted people.

 

Those he trusted were those who promised him their life. Bones was one of them and the only one so far that Jim was willing to trust full heartedly and vice versa. But with Spock, it felt natural to trust him. He knew the half-Vulcan didn’t trust him at first but soon, when he saw the unintentional slips in his cool demeanour, Jim knew that Spock was beginning to trust him too.

 

So, after eight months, Jim woke up one day wanting to see Spock.

 

His feelings were no longer innocent and friendly. If anything, they were growing, passionate and slightly deep. Every time Jim spent some time alone with Spock, whether it was to eat lunch or to play chess or even take a stroll around the Academy park, his heart would start to act up and he would end up feeling like someone had increased his body temperature.

 

But he kept tight lipped about his feelings for Spock. He kept them hidden because Spock didn’t seem to reciprocate. Jim was sure that the half-Vulcan would deem that it would be inappropriate for a cadet and a professor to be in a relationship.

 

Jim wanted that—a relationship.

 

He, James Tiberius Kirk, wanted a relationship with Spock.

 

It was so funny that Jim had ended up laughing to himself once the realisation dawned on him. This feeling in his heart finally had a name and it was the name that Jim dreaded to learn for such a long time. All his life, such feelings weren’t real and they couldn’t possibly be so soft and gentle because he didn’t know they existed.

 

But now, he was proven wrong.

 

“Why are you laughing like a madman, Jim?” Bones asked once Jim finally settled down. Looking at Bones, he grinned.

 

“Bones,” Jim started. “I finally figured it out.”

 

Bones raised his eyebrows. “Uh-huh.”

 

“I’m in love.”

 

Bones’s eyes widened before he searched the man’s face. After a few second, he cursed under his breath. “Goddamnit, Jim,” he muttered loudly at the blond-haired man. “He’s a damn Vulcan!”

 

Jim simply nodded, as if this wasn’t a big deal. But he knew it was because this wasn’t a Human or an Orion he was in love with—it was with a Vulcan. He knew Spock might never see anything beyond their apparent friendship so he kept it in him for the next two months.

 

But from when there was love, there were slight aches of longing and pain. He never realised how Spock’s eyes would shine brightly whenever Jim caught his silent joke or when his lips would thin whenever Jim got into an argument with him.

 

It was getting slightly harder for Jim to keep these feelings hidden mostly because he had no prior experience with them. They felt chaotic inside of him, messing up his thoughts until he wanted nothing more but to silence the loud noise. Whenever he was near Spock, his heart would start aching at how close they were but how far he truly was.

 

And then—the goddamn dreams started and Jim was having less and less sleep.

 

***

 

He was testy and he was slightly irritable and soon, it seemed to weigh too much for Jim. How could Spock just sit there so oblivious to how Jim was feeling? He finally slammed the knight piece on the chess board harshly, startling Spock. Jim rubbed his face, his hands against his face, taking in a deep breath.

 

Silence echoed in between them before he heard Spock shifting around. “Are you alright, Jim?”

 

Jim chuckled dryly. It wasn’t Spock’s fault. But somehow it was. Jim looked up from his hands and smiled weakly at the half-Vulcan. “Sorry, not in my game tonight.”

 

Spock nodded. “Then, would you like something to drink?”

 

“Anything you’re having,” Jim muttered as he looked away, eyeing the floor. Spock stood up and headed to the replicator, replicating both of them Vulcan Spice Tea. Jim had found that he liked the sharp taste of the tea. It took him some time to get accustomed to it but soon, he found himself abandoning his Earl Grey for the Vulcan Spice Tea. “Thanks.”

 

“You are welcome,” Spock said as he handed Jim his mug of tea. The blond-haired man took the mug and sipped on it quietly, still avoiding looking at Spock. He felt the sharpness of the drink washing into his mouth and that somehow relaxed him a little. The chaotic mess of his feelings plus with the lack of sleep due to those dreams really made Jim cranky for a few days now.

 

Even Bones decided that Jim was to be named as the Grumpiest Person Alive. He felt Spock’s stare on him. He glanced up and he saw the flash of worry on those familiar dark orbs. Jim couldn’t help but to frown, placing the mug on his knee.

 

To be honest, he had seen some changes in Spock for the past four months or so. Spock always had this look on his face whenever he looked at Jim. The blond-haired man didn’t know what to make of it honestly. There were times when he would realise that they were sitting far too close or when Spock stood slightly closer to him, their arms sometimes brushing.

 

Jim knew that personal space wasn’t his best friend. Heck, he couldn’t keep his hands to himself when he first met Spock. But the half-Vulcan didn’t mind it so much. Sure, he usually levelled a secret glare at Jim whenever he slapped his shoulders at high fit of energy but he didn’t tell him to back off or anything like that. So, it made Jim felt special.

 

“Is something troubling you, Jim?” Spock asked finally.

 

Jim bit his inner cheek, looking at Spock. “I—don’t know.”

 

Spock raised his eyebrows, confusion colouring his eyes. “Clarify.”

 

“I,” Jim started but then his mind went blank and he had to break the eye contact. He felt his cheeks reddening, sipping the tea slowly. He felt the frustration peaking in his mind. He knew that he needed some outlet for his feelings to be known. But he was scared as well—terrified even because what if Spock rejected him _and_ terminated their friendship?

 

It was too cold to think about.

 

Spock frowned, his lips dragged down visibly. “Jim.”

 

The blond-haired man flinched slightly. But he didn’t know how long he could keep this inside of him. It was slowly darkening his thoughts and suddenly, all he could ever think about was Spock. He looked at the floor, knowing that if he didn’t say anything about this feeling, he was going to self-destruct. Taking a deep breath, he decided that if things went wrong, he could blame the sleepless nights. “I’m in love with you.”

 

Jim risked a glance at the half-Vulcan after a long silence. The atmosphere thickened around them and Jim had to swallow a lump in his throat. Spock looked absolutely stricken. His jaw was clicked tight and his shoulders wound tense. Jim could see the hints of cracks on the mug and felt his heart sinking to the bottom of his chest.

 

This was a bad idea after all.

 

“Uhm, forget I said anything,” Jim said quickly, getting up. He needed to get out of here. He didn’t think he could handle seeing the disgust in Spock’s eyes or the cold words of rejection.

 

He placed the mug on the coffee table and took his bag. He didn’t even glance at Spock again, his heart trembling from disappointment. To be honest, maybe he should’ve kept his feelings inside after all. It felt worse now that the truth was out and Spock wasn’t reacting.

 

He was about to walk away when Spock wrapped his fingers around Jim’s right wrist, halting him immediately. The blond-haired man froze, his shoulders tensing and his heart pounding in his chest. Spock then placed his own mug on the coffee table and stood up, taking a deep breath.

 

“Jim,” he started but Jim didn’t want to listen, so he tried to tug his hand off.

 

“No,” Jim said quickly, quietening Spock. “I don’t want to listen. I know what you’re going to say.”

 

The grasp around his wrist tightened. “That is impossible since you do not possess telepathic ability to read my mind. Jim, you need to listen and not jump into conclusions without possessing all the facts.”

 

Jim turned around to meet Spock’s eyes, already frowning. “I know what you’re going to say.”

 

“No, you do not,” Spock retorted. “You are merely guessing.”

 

Jim looked away, feeling his face flushing when he realised that Spock’s cool hand was now wrapped tight around his wrist. He looked at their linked hands, wondering for a moment what this all meant to Spock. Spock squeezed his wrist again and if Jim knew any better, it felt a lot like comfort. He felt his heart steadily beating fast in his chest. Hope, even if it was a little, bloomed in him.

 

After a few seconds of silence, Spock turned to face him completely. “Are you now in a better condition to listen to what I have to say?”

 

Jim bit his bottom lip, contemplating his thoughts before he gathered every strand of courage in himself. He then nodded meekly, still not looking away from their joined hands. “Okay,” Jim said finally.

 

“Very well,” Spock said as he let Jim’s wrist go. “If you would please take a seat.” Jim looked back at the couch in Spock’s office and walked to it again. Sitting down, he didn’t let himself to be pulled into the soft leather. He clutched onto his bag tight, placing it on his lap as he looked down to the ground. Spock sat next to him, leaning into the leather unlike Jim and crossed his legs on one another.

 

Silence washed in between them for a minute before Spock opened his mouth to speak. “You are in love with me?” the half-Vulcan questioned slowly. Jim tensed up again, sitting straighter as he nodded once. “How long have you harboured these feelings for me, Jim?”

 

“I—I don’t know,” Jim said, drooping his shoulders before he turned to look at Spock. His eyes were wide and pleading, hoping that Spock could read the honesty on his face. “But I love you—in love with you. It—It didn’t happen straight away. It’s just that one day I looked at you and you—you made me think that what if I wanted to be closer to you?” Shrugging his shoulders helplessly, he looked away from Spock once more. “And then, I realised—I fell for you already.”

 

Spock didn’t say anything more and Jim sighed. The half-Vulcan then sat straighter, suddenly looking slightly less confident. “Are you expecting a romantic liaison from this, Jim?”

 

Jim flinched at the thought of otherwise but he just sucked it up and kept all hopes to a minimum. “Honestly?” he said. “Maybe? I—I don’t think so? God, I don’t know, Spock! You tell me. If this is a rejection, can we please not delay it any longer?” Jim continued exasperated. Spock simply looked at him disapprovingly but Jim was beyond caring.

 

The half-Vulcan shifted in his seat for a few seconds before he gave out a huff of breath. Jim guessed that was a sigh. He looked into Spock’s eyes, trying to catch any glimpse of rejection and steeled his heart for it. But confusion woven itself around his heart when he couldn’t find any trace of discomfort or dislike. It was—it was just merely curiosity, maybe slight nervousness and there was something else in those orbs but Jim couldn’t place a finger on it.

 

The external coolness that Spock usually emitted disappeared slowly. “It is—not a rejection,” Spock said carefully, eyeing Jim back. The blond-haired man felt his heart stop beating for a second. His eyes widen at the implication and suddenly, the tiny speck of hope in him bloomed into a flower. “It seems that I could not say that I do not harbour some sort of affection for you for a while either, Jim. It is not entirely innocent neither it is purely platonic. I have tried to meditate past this revelation because it would not benefit a professor and a cadet to be involved in such a manner.”

 

Jim’s hope immediately wilted and crushed. He broke the eye contact, already feeling dejected. “Yeah, I get it,” Jim said, taking in a deep breath. “If we get caught, you’ll lose your job and I might get expelled and ya, I get it. Totally. It’s alright, Spock.”

 

“Jim,” Spock cut Jim off from continuing. His voice was sharp and strong, causing the blond-haired man to immediately look at him. He frowned when he saw Spock going rigid and serious. “I am not finished.”

 

“You aren’t?” Jim asked, slightly confused. “But you just said it yourself that a relationship between a professor and a cadet is risky! What more is there to—”

 

“It is risky,” Spock agreed, nodding at Jim. “But as for now, I have failed to remove such feelings for you, Jim. It is with the thought that you will never reciprocate such inappropriate feelings that I have never brought it up. You have fascinated me, Jim, in more ways than one. You are the only one for the time being to have ever elicit such emotional desire from me.”

 

Jim looked at Spock in the eyes, wondering if he was hearing this right. “Spock,” he said slowly. “What are you trying to say?”

 

“I,” Spock opened his mouth before closing it shut. A few moments passed before he looked away, his cheeks greening. Jim’s eyes widened at the display of emotions at the moment. “I would not be averse to try a romantic liaison with you, Jim, since we have requited feelings for each other.”

 

Jim’s mouth hung open at the declaration. “If that is what you wish, of course.” Spock looked back at Jim. The blond-haired man felt everything around him freezing as he tried to process the words. It was as if Jim was living in a dream and god, if it was a dream, he didn’t want to wake up from it. He didn’t think—not in a million light-years that Spock would _ever_ reciprocate what he felt.

 

“You want to,” Jim said, gulping and trying to still his erratic heartbeat. “You want to date me?”

 

Spock nodded.

 

“But what about the professor slash cadet thing? It’s against the Academy rules. It’s—you’re willing to break the rules and be with me?” Jim asked, slightly breathless as so many things drew in his mind. Spock tensed again, his shoulders wound tight as he looked at Jim in the eyes.

 

“It is in my opinion that as long as no favouritism occurs between the professor and the cadet that could disrupt the harmony of the Academy, it is excusable,” Spock said. “You are not taking my permanent course either, Jim. In retrospect, I am not your professor and you are not my student.”

 

Jim felt the slight flutter in his stomach increasing tenfold. His cheeks reddened when the implication finally settled in his mind. A grin broke out on his face as he looked at the half-Vulcan in his eyes. Hope was blazing inside of him, tangled with a mess of joy. “So,” Jim started. “We’re together?”

 

Spock’s shoulders sagged in relief before his lips quirked upwards slightly. His cheeks were still slightly emerald but Jim had already found that he liked the blush. “Affirmative.”

 

***

 

After that, things went on like a blur but oh what a beautiful blur it was! Jim felt love for the first time and he received love in the same way. They started dating, keeping their relationship under radar and from prying eyes. Bones didn’t even know that Jim was dating Spock until he accidentally observed a little too close on Jim’s lips and asked him why his lips were bleeding.

 

Jim had turned scarlet at that, licking his lips instinctively and cleared his throat. Bones didn’t take the whole relationship thing lightly. He was literally filled with worry and Jim knew that the doctor was trying to look out for his best interest.

 

“It’s been three fucking months, Jim!” Bones exclaimed at him, pointing an accusing finger at the man. “You didn’t even think to tell me that you were fucking that hobgoblin?”

 

Jim flinched at the blunt words.

 

“It’s not just fucking, Bones,” Jim said. “I love him and well, he loves me back.”

 

“Does he now?” Bones challenged as he took a step forward. “He’s a Vulcan, Jim. Do you even want me to explain to you the implications when a Vulcan starts to date? He’s not looking for casual relationships. He’s—they’re more permanent. You’re barely beyond twenty five!”

 

Jim nodded, knowing what Bones was trying to say. But the thing was, he didn’t think forever with Spock was going to be that bad. Spock was—much relaxed whenever Jim was around. True, they never really talked about their relationship openly but he could catch the glimpse of warmth whenever he caught Spock looking at him.

 

They took things slow between them and Jim felt—cherished. “I know,” Jim said after a while, looking at Bones in the eyes. “But the idea’s growing on me.”

 

Bones simply looked at Jim before he sighed and rubbed his face. He didn’t say anything else after that.

 

***

 

Jim remembered when they first kissed, it was a week or so after they started dating and Jim was in his office, just working on his assignments when he looked up at Spock. Then, his eyes travelled to his lips and he wondered for a second at how those lips would feel against his.

 

Spock noticed the staring and lifted his gaze from his PADD, raising his eyebrows at Jim. “Is something the matter, Jim?” he asked and the blond-haired man simply stood up, placing his own PADD on the couch and walked up to the desk.

 

Planting both of his hands on the desk, he leaned forward until his face was barely a few inches from Spock’s. The half-Vulcan’s eyes widened and Jim could see a flash of uncertainty in those orbs. “Hey, can I kiss you?” Jim asked and he watched with amusement at how the tips of Spock’s ears turned green.

 

Spock placed his PADD on the desk before he nodded. “You can.”

 

Jim leaned in close, his lips brushing against Spock’s and the half-Vulcan met him halfway. It wasn’t deep neither was it passionate. It was soft and chaste. Jim simply pressed his lips against the cooler ones for a few seconds before pulling away. Licking his own lips, he grinned when he realised he could taste something spicy.

 

Before Jim could back away, Spock had stood up and grabbed onto his jaw, angling Jim’s head to the right before his lips descended on him. Jim closed his eyes shut, his neck now trying to slant upwards so he could really feel Spock’s lips on him and kissed him back. He placed one hand on the desk firmly and the other one on Spock’s shoulder, dragging him close—as close as the desk could allow them to be.

 

Their lips mashed in perfectly and it felt good. It sent sparks flying down his spine and his toes dug into his shoes when he felt Spock’s tongue prodding through the lips. Jim gasped, parting his lips and Spock took the opportunity to push his tongue through.

 

Jim dug his fingers at the shoulder, giving out a breathless moan when he felt Spock’s tongue exploring his mouth, touching everywhere he could reach. His hand then slowly traced to the back of his head and dug his fingers through the jet black strands. He smiled into the kiss when he heard Spock taking a sharp breath at the sudden tug of his hair.

 

Breaking the kiss, Jim breathed harshly against Spock’s lips, the half-Vulcan doing the same. Jim opened his eyes and licked his lips, smiling when he realised how Spock’s cheeks were green, his lips swollen slightly and his hair a mess. “You look hot right now,” Jim whispered and Spock simply raised his eyebrows. An almost-smirk worked on the Vulcan’s lips.

 

“Hot?” Spock asked and Jim rolled his eyes. “My body temperature is cooler than Terran overall body temperature by—”

 

“Spock,” Jim started. “Not literally.”

 

Spock quirked his lips upward before he brought his left hand and touched Jim’s hand which was on the desk. Picking the hand up, he caressed Jim’s fingers. The blond-haired watched at how Spock’s cooler and longer fingers traced his own before he firmly placed his index and middle finger together. A sudden jolt of electricity took Jim off guard, feeling his cheeks reddening again. He licked his slightly worn lips, looking up to Spock’s eyes.

 

“It is a Vulcan Kiss,” Spock explained the hidden question. Jim grinned widely before he nodded.

 

“I like it.”

 

Spock simply quirked his lips upwards.

 

***

 

Things were slow between them, Jim concluded and he liked it. They couldn’t really stay together all the time or it would give off suspicions. So, every weekend, when Jim was free, he would visit Spock at his apartment. They would go out on dates, but mostly they would spend their time just with each other. It was probably another six more months before Jim finally hit the bed with Spock.

 

But God, he didn’t know it would feel so incredible with Spock. The way the half-Vulcan touched him, it would unravel some sense of vulnerability in Jim and somehow, he liked it. And then there was the mind melds. At first, Jim was hesitant of it but when he got a taste of their minds colliding so beautifully, he couldn’t get enough.

 

Their whole relationship meant a lot to the blond. Even though Spock rarely spoke of his emotions, Jim didn’t mind because he felt it every time he touched him. They were experiencing everything for the first time and Jim was just sucked into this cheesy romance with his lover. It amazed Jim that he could touch something so deep in the Vulcan.

 

Every time they touched each other, whenever he would end up tangled with the half-Vulcan under the bedsheets, he would feel the soft thrums of affections throughout his body. Sometimes, the affections got Jim too deep and he would end up with tears in his eyes. There was a time when it made Spock stop touching him, looking down on him when he noticed the tears.

 

“Jim?” he questioned as he softly touched his wet bangs and pushed it aside from his eyes. Jim blinked, the tears escaping his eyes, dripping past his temples and onto the bedsheets. His legs which were wrapped around the half-Vulcan’s waist tightened.

 

“I’m f—fine,” he said, taking in a shuddering breath to calm himself down. Spock moved a little and that earned a gasp from Jim. He closed his eyes shut as he immediately wrapped his arms around Spock’s neck and hugged him tight, their bare chests touching. “Just give me a minute.”

 

Spock breathed against Jim’s collarbone before he slowly raised himself, looking at Jim when the younger man finally opened his eyes. He brought his hand and squeezed on Jim’s looped hands around his neck. His eyes softened before he leaned down and kissed him on the lips. Jim moaned silently when he felt his prostate being nudged gently from the intrusion.

 

“I love you,” Jim gasped out as he broke the kiss, looking at Spock in the eyes. The half-Vulcan froze for a second before he leaned into Jim’s neck, kissing there and biting harshly at the junction. Jim brought his right hand and travelled down to his hair, messing it up between his fingers while his other travelled down Spock’s arm. His legs squeezed his lover’s waist gently, his eyes slipping closed, not realising that Spock hadn’t said the words back.

 

Well, he still felt the deep thrums of affection though when Spock made love to him that night— or every other time they engaged in coitus honestly. So, he guessed that was alright. He didn’t need to hear the words, as long as he could feel it—it was fine.

 

***

 

Their relationship wasn’t always flowers and chocolates either. They had their own sets of argument, sometimes it would end with one of them storming out of the room. Jim knew that Spock had his own mountain of ego. But Jim had his own ego too and God, did he hate losing! The first time they argued, Jim couldn’t even remember what it was about—but it had Spock spouting harsh words and soon, Jim said some mean things back. Before they knew it, an awkward silence took over them.

 

“If you want logic so much, then go and find someone logical! Damnit, Spock!” Jim yelled at the half-Vulcan.

 

Spock simply clicked his jaw tight, his hands bawled into a fist. “Perhaps I will. Perhaps being with an emotional being was not the wisest idea after all.”

 

“Oh, fuck you, Spock!” Jim exclaimed as he took a menacing step forward. “See if I care! I shouldn’t have dated a self-centred, egoistical and not to mention overly cynical guy like you in the first place!”

 

“The sentiment is reciprocated,” Spock said tightly and just like that, their arguments ended and Jim’s anger was replaced with hurt and disappointment.  Spock’s shoulders sagged and before long, Jim sighed.

 

Jim bit his inner cheek, looking away from Spock. He felt the hurt blaring loudly in his head and his chest ached. He took a step back when Spock took a silent step forward. He felt the anger sizzling down and disappearing to the edge of his mind. Spock didn’t dare to take another step forward and they both went quiet for a while.

 

“I apologise,” Spock said, breaking the silence between them. Jim blinked away the slight wetness in his eyes before looking at the dark orbs. “I apologise. I—It is not what I meant, Jim.”

 

Jim didn’t respond, instead he just looked at Spock for a while. When he saw the flicker of regret in Spock’s eyes, he sighed, nodding. He guessed he went out of line too. They both said some things that they didn’t mean. “Sorry too,” Jim said softly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.”

 

Looking at Spock in the eyes, the half-Vulcan nodded.

 

Their first argument lasted about twenty minutes and it was funny how after that, everything was smooth. They understood each other to the point that there was just no explanation to it. And before Jim knew about it—he was already heading to his final year in Starfleet Academy.

 

And well, all happy starts must have an end, didn’t they?

 

Jim found his happy ending becoming less happy by the time he started his final year.

 

***

 

It wasn’t because of something, more like there was everything all together about them—about him and Spock that bothered the blond cadet. It was all fine, they were fine for a while but somewhere at the end of his second year and the starting of his third and final year, something changed between them.

 

It was subtle, but it was changing and Jim could feel the imaginary string between them stretching thin. Spock still talked to him, still gave him his undivided attention but—but—it always felt like there was something else on the half-Vulcan’s mind. And then, the end term for the second semester came on and Jim almost lost contact with his lover for almost a month.

 

By the time the exams were over, by the time the holidays came on, Jim’s relationship with Spock started to feel slightly tattered—not from the absence of each other but—but there was just something there. Like there was another presence in this thing between them and well, Jim didn’t know who or what.

 

So, when he met Uhura—Cadet Uhura, Spock’s best student in xenolinguistics major in his third year, he knew that that was what this was all about. Spock only taught xenolinguistics to the third or final year students and that was when he started hearing her name in their conversations.

 

***

 

Whenever Jim asked about how his day was, Spock would rattle on that everything was fine and as always— _Cadet Uhura_ —fascinated him with her _impeccable_ linguistic skills. Jim felt the slight stabs of jealousy but he didn’t want to seem like he didn’t trust his lover, so he simply smiled and listened.

 

But he was starting to dislike her—when she suddenly became the most of what his lover talked about. It had been only three months since Spock met her, it had only been three months since he was in his third year when all of a sudden—everything was about Uhura.

 

“How’s class?” Jim asked absent-mindedly, walking into Spock’s apartment like he usually did, carrying his bag of grocery. Spock closed the door and followed Jim into the kitchen. Jim placed the things on the counter, taking a deep breath. He had dropped by today since he didn’t have any classes and decided to try and cook something for the half-Vulcan.

 

“It was dutiful,” he said as he placed the PADD on the countertop.

 

“Uh-huh,” Jim said slowly, already putting away the grocery before glancing at the half-Vulcan. Spock, however, was looking at his PADD, not really paying attention to Jim. “What? You’re still working?” he asked slightly dismayed. Recently, Spock had been getting far too busy for Jim’s liking. Sure, they separated for a month due to the exams already but—lately it was getting a bit too hard for Jim to see Spock, even if it was just for a minute.

 

“I have assignments to grade, Jim,” Spock said as he glanced at Jim before going back to his PADD. “I do not have the leisure to waste away my time.”

 

Jim went rigid at the words, turning around to look at Spock. “What does that mean?” he asked, trying to hide the hurt from his voice. Spock’s shoulder sagged in what seemed like defeat before he picked up his PADD.

 

“Nothing that I do not want it to mean, Jim,” Spock said softly, maybe slightly resigned. “I have work to do. I need to be able to have them graded for tomorrow’s class.” Jim sighed, leaning against the counter and looking at Spock. He crossed his arms against his chest. He couldn’t help but to feel like maybe coming over was a bad idea after all. Lately, Spock seemed to be quick to temper and Jim hated it when he got that way. Spock might not lash out like Humans do when they got irritated, but he would always slip back to his cold demeanour from the time when he first met Jim.

 

That never settled well for the blond. It was like a sign that something had gone terribly wrong in their relationship. But he didn’t want to believe anything was wrong. He still felt the affection thrumming through whenever he touched Spock. He frowned internally when he suddenly couldn’t remember when the last time they actually touched each other was.

 

Had it been more than four months already?

 

He removed the thoughts from his mind. That was another topic later on. For now, he let Spock’s weird mood swings go. It wasn’t worth to pick a fight with Spock.

 

It was just that—he suddenly felt like the attention he received wasn’t truly his anymore.

 

He felt selfish but wasn’t love supposed to be like that?

 

“Okay,” Jim said before shrugging, trying to drag his lover back to the conversation. “Anyone impressing you so far?” Spock’s lips quirked upwards and there was a familiar glimmer in his eyes—but Jim’s heart broke slightly when he realised it was no longer aimed for him.

 

“Affirmative,” he said. “Cadet Uhura has been performing exceptionally well. Her in depth research on the Klingon culture and language is impressive and fascinating. They are not only factually correct; they have also been elaborated perfectly.”

 

  _Ah_ , Jim muttered in his mind bitterly, feeling the familiar acidic sensation pooling at the depth of his stomach. “Cadet Uhura,” Jim said and nodded. “She’s been real fascinating, hasn’t she?”

 

“She has,” Spock said truthfully and Jim couldn’t help but to feel slightly bitterer at that. “She is a remarkable student in my class.”

 

Jim nodded curtly, looking away before turning his back to Spock. “I’m going to make dinner for you,” Jim said before throwing a half-hearted grin out to his lover. Spock remained quiet for a second and then he nodded.

 

“I will leave it to your capable hands then,” Spock said as he walked out of the kitchen. Jim sighed heavily once he left. There was definitely something missing here. A sudden wash of dread took him off guard when he started to consider that maybe Spock was falling out of love with him.

 

That mere thought made Jim felt cold and clammy inside. He bit his bottom lip, taking in a deep breath. “No, that couldn’t be it,” Jim muttered to himself. But then again—the evidence was stating otherwise. It was always about Uhura lately. What if—what if she fascinated Spock more that Jim did?

 

What if Spock wanted her instead?

 

Was Spock even capable of cheating on him?

 

Jim immediately threw those thoughts far away from his mind. That wasn’t possible. He loved Spock and the half-Vulcan loved him back. They had been together for almost three years now, they were strong! Jim nodded at that thought but he didn’t feel any confident about it. He looked at the kitchen doorway. Sighing, he shook his head and went back to preparing his food.

 

***

 

Things got worse for Jim later on. This relationship suddenly started to feel one-sided and Jim didn’t like it at all. He was walking down to Spock’s office after class when he stopped halfway at the scene in front of him. Spock was walking away with Cadet Uhura, talking to her about something and Uhura was bloody laughing.

 

Her smile was bright and Spock seemed to like talking to her. Jim clenched his fist tight before he turned around and started to stalk away. But then he stopped, trying to calm down these dark thoughts in his mind. It wasn’t possible. Spock was with him now. Not with Uhura.

 

But once again, they rung hollow to Jim.

 

***

 

The next time he met her, she was sitting with Spock at the canteen, talking to him about something before she pointed at the PADD. Jim hesitated for a moment before he walked there, realising what harm could be made by sharing a table. Spock’s eyes caught his once he was at the table and Jim smiled.

 

“Professor Spock, Cadet Uhura,” he greeted them with a bright grin. Cadet Uhura simply looked at Jim for a moment as if she was assessing him.

 

“Cadet Kirk,” she replied smoothly. Spock nodded at his presence before Jim took a seat next to Uhura.

 

“So, what are you guys talking about?” he asked and Uhura simply rolled her eyes.

 

“Nothing that you’ll understand, Kirk,” she shot out. Jim raised his eyebrows at the sudden attitude.

 

“I’m sorry, have we met?” Jim asked smoothly, sounding flirtatious but slightly off as well. She simply looked at Jim before she narrowed her eyes at him.

 

After a minute, she dropped her glare and sighed. “So, it’s true, huh?” she asked. Jim furrowed his eyebrows at that, wondering what she meant. “You finally got married and settled down. No more ‘Jim Kirk: Sexy Bachelor of the Year’.”

 

Jim felt a smirk working on his lips before he shrugged, willing himself not to look at Spock. “Well, you could say that,” he said. “But then again, if maybe you’re interested—I can live up to that title for one more day.”

 

“Ah, no thanks,” she said with a smile.

 

“Just kidding,” Jim said as he went back to his food. She simply nodded before she looked at Spock. Jim looked at him too, wondering how the half-Vulcan was taking to their conversation. However, Spock was looking at the PADD, almost as if he wasn’t even aware of what happened. “So, Professor,” Uhura started and Spock looked at her.

 

Jim silently watched how those two talked, Spock sounding so interested and Uhura was—well, she was brilliant. She was funny and most of all—she was logical. Jim found himself feeling like the third wheel and his heart started to ache. He listened to them talk for a few minutes before he got up. Spock looked up to meet Jim’s eyes but the blond-haired man simply nodded at Uhura and walked away.

 

He sighed loudly as he dumped his tray and walked out of the cafeteria, trying to get rid of this slight hole in his heart. He didn’t think it would get much worse, honestly. He just thought maybe this was kind of like a bumpy road for them.

 

***

 

But then again, it did get a hell lot worse. All of a sudden, Spock didn’t want to touch him so much anymore. He was always busy and Jim was beginning to feel frustrated.

 

Jim had his arms looped around Spock’s kissing him deeply as his back was against the apartment door. He let his right hand slip away from the half-Vulcan’s neck to the back of his hair, playing with the strands as he parted his lips, Spock’s tongue diving into his cavern.

 

Jim groaned slightly into the kiss when he felt Spock’s leg pushing in between his own. Jim took his free hand and dragged his nails down Spock’s arm. He liked it when Spock got slightly rough on him. Jim whined slightly when Spock pulled away, wondering why he was stopping.

 

“Jim,” Spock said, his voice sounding abused. “We cannot engage in coitus now.”

 

Jim felt his eyes snapping wide, looking at Spock with confusion filling his face. “Huh?” he asked before he licked his own lips. One minute he had Spock’s tongue down his throat and the next, he was getting pushed off? What the fuck was happening here?

 

Spock simply detangled himself and took a step back, his cheeks were green from the lip-locking session. Jim knew his cheeks were flushing too as he took in a deep breath, trying to calm his aroused-self down. “I cannot afford to be distracted tonight, Jim. I have projects to assess before the end of this term.”

 

Jim blinked at him for a few seconds before he groaned, leaning against the door and scowling. “Spock! Can’t you just put away work for a second and pay attention to me?” he asked, feeling the frustration from the sudden lack of attention clawing inside of him. Spock raised his eyebrows in a chastising manner and his lips thinned.

 

“I am paying attention to you, Jim,” Spock said. “But I have a duty as a lecturer to perform and it is my top priority as what I am doing at the moment could affect the quality of my teachings tomorrow.”

 

Jim scoffed. “It’s been five fucking months, Spock,” Jim sneered at him. “Every time I tried to touch you, you give the same lame excuse!”

 

“I am not doing it on purpose,” Spock retaliated. “I am merely saying we cannot engage in sexual intercourse at the present moment. When I am free, when we are both available to spend more than enough time together, then we may engage together once more. I do not see the reason for you to be upset.”

 

Jim rubbed his face, his erection finally faded away from the bubbled irritation. “Or,” Jim said as he looked at Spock. “You simply don’t want to touch me anymore.”

 

Spock’s jaw clicked tight as he took a step forward. “It is not that.”

 

“No, I think it’s precisely that!” Jim yelled. He knew that he was taking a small matter and making it a hill or something like that shit but—he couldn’t help it. It was taking a toll on him.

 

He rarely got to spend some time alone with Spock nowadays. And every time he tried, Uhura would magically appear out of nowhere. What was worse, every time Jim thought they were going to do something together again, Spock would stop and say that he had other things more important than Jim to take care of. It wasn’t that Jim didn’t understand that Spock was a lecturer.

 

He knew that the half-Vulcan was going to be busier this year due to the fact that he was going to be assigned to a ship after Jim’s graduation. But the fact that when they did meet up, when they did got the chance to be together and Spock throwing it away like it didn’t matter to him, hurt Jim.

 

He didn’t know where to stand with Spock at the moment. He felt dejected and worthless. Wasn’t he what Spock wanted anymore? If work was more important than to spend at least a minute with Jim, then he should leave.

 

“You know what? Fine. Do your work! Hey, how about you fucking marry it instead? I’m leaving, Goddamnit!”

 

Jim turned around and was about to open the door to leave when he felt Spock’s hand grabbing onto his shoulder and slamming his back against the door. He gave out a pained gasp but the anger was livid inside of him. He glared at Spock as the half-Vulcan glared back. “You are acting childish, Jim.”

 

Jim chuckled dryly. “No, I’m acting exactly what others would do if their partners don’t want to touch them anymore!” Jim said as he pried Spock’s hand off his shoulder. “I’m letting you to go and do your work, Spock! So, just let me leave and you won’t have to bother with trivial things like my bloody feelings ever again!”

 

But Jim didn’t get to leave. Spock simply slammed both of his hands near Jim’s head, leaning in close until they were at each other’s nose. Spock was displeased, Jim could tell from his eyes. “You know that is not true,” Spock said, trying to sound gentle.

 

Jim simply shook his head. He placed both of his hands against Spock’s chest and tried to get him off. “I just want to leave, Spock. Let me go.”

 

Spock remained deadly quiet and before Jim could react, Spock had smashed their lips together. It took Jim off guard, gasping into the kiss as Spock slipped his tongue into those parted lips. Jim’s hand curled around the shirt and he closed his eyes, deciding to just see where this would go. Breaking the kiss, Jim gasped in air but Spock didn’t stop.

 

He proceeded to push his leg in between Jim’s and started to rub him. Jim grabbed onto Spock’s shoulder, not sure if he was trying to push him off or pull him in. It had been some time since he let Spock touch him and yet—it coiled something dark when he thought that this was going to be rough. Not a good type of rough—but the dark ones that would leave Jim feeling hollow inside.

 

“S—Spock,” Jim groaned out as Spock started nipping around his jaw, trailing down to his neck. “S—stop.”

 

“No,” Spock said before he bit at the soft spot near his ears, making his knees go weak. He felt his mind drawing blank and before he knew it, he finally decided to just get this over with. It was at least something compared to nothing and right now, he just wanted to feel Spock with him, on him, in him—just the presence of him.

 

He grabbed onto Spock’s shirt and tugged it upward, and Spock immediately took a step back. Jim almost dropped to the ground from the sudden loss of contact. “W—what?” Spock then grabbed onto Jim’s waist and hauled him a few feet from the ground, the blond-haired man instinctively wrapping his legs around Spock trying to balance himself.

 

Spock then kissed Jim again, almost bruising this time and Jim grabbed onto his shoulders as Spock dragged him away from the front door to the bedroom.

 

His mind went steadily blank and all he felt afterwards was the pleasure and pain playing through him. His clothes were thrown off and his body was being searched and marked through angrily. He was about to touch Spock’s cheek when the half-Vulcan grabbed onto his wrist and pinned it above his head, stopping him. “Do not move,” Spock ordered and Jim took in a stuttering breath.

 

They didn’t utter many words after that, all moans and cries bouncing off the room walls as Spock touched him. They didn’t make love—right now, it was more like sex. More like a simple, rough sex with no soft emotions flowing through and Jim always disliked it. But he didn’t care for now, he needed Spock so when the pleasure band in him finally snapped—he ended up crying out loud, digging his nails into Spock’s back.

 

It was all too much and at the end, his mind shut down and he went unconscious.

 

***

 

When he woke up, it was already past seven and he groaned heavily when he felt his body aching. His foggy mind steadily sharpened until he remembered what happened last night. He felt his heart aching as the images flickered through his mind. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them, looking to his left to notice that the half-Vulcan wasn’t there.

 

He shook his head before he slowly sat up, only to have a sharp pain jolting through his lower back when he did. He gasped out loud and slumped to his back. He took in deep breaths, trying to get his body to function properly before he tried again. This time, he managed to lean his back against the headboard.

 

He looked to his right and found two pills with a glass of water on the desk next to the bed. He guessed Spock placed it there. He looked down to the thin bedsheet covering his lower half and almost laughed bitterly when he saw the traces of handprint around his waist. Spock certainly did a number on him.

 

But the dry laugh broke into a sudden sob, wondering at which point of this relationship had he became a chore for the half-Vulcan. Did Spock even want him anymore? He quickly wiped his eyes, throwing the sheets off and stepped out of the bed. He almost dropped down to his knees when his legs gave out immediately.

 

Groaning a bit, he stood up again and found his clothes neatly folded on the desk. Grabbing them, he wore it and walked out of the room. The pain that was stabbing through his lower back slowly dulled by the time he walked a few metres away from the apartment. He ran his fingers through his messy blond hair and sighed shakily.

 

***

 

He didn’t see Spock for the next three days. He didn’t call neither did he went to talk to Spock about their latest heartache. He just let it slide, letting himself to be swept off by the waves of his studies. Bones stared at Jim, munching on his salad as Jim played with his own food in front of him.

 

“Did something happen, Jim?” Bones asked as Jim looked up from his tray.

 

“Nah,” Jim said with a grin. The doctor simply raised his eyebrows at the hollow look.

 

“You look as good as dead, kid,” Bones said, lowering his voice since they were in the cafeteria. After a second, a frown worked on Bones’s face. “Did the hobgoblin do something to you? Did he hurt you, Jim?”

 

Jim immediately shook his head. “No,” he said. “It isn’t his fault.”

 

“Ah, so it _is_ about that pointy-eared-bastard,” Bones muttered. “Well?”

 

Jim kept quiet for a minute, looking away from Bones before he shrugged. “I don’t know, Bones.”

 

“You don’t know?” Bones asked sceptically. Jim just slammed his fork down on the table and nodded. He rubbed his face before he took in a deep breath.

 

“I don’t know!” Jim said finally, his shoulder tensing. “I—I thought we were fine but then after—after that day, I’m not sure, Bones. Maybe—maybe he doesn’t want me anymore.”

 

Bones stared at the blond-haired man before he sighed. “Goddamnit, are you telling me that the hobgoblin had his fun with you and then threw you away?”

 

Jim looked at Bones from the gaps of his fingers before he shrugged. “I don’t know.” For the first time in his life, he didn’t know what Spock was thinking. “I think—it’s not going to last very long.”

 

Bones’s lips thinned before he shook his head. “Did you talk to him, Jim?”

 

Jim remained quiet before he dropped his hands to the table. “I don’t want to. Not now.”

 

“Well, then,” Bones said. “If you don’t talk to him, how would you know what he’s feeling?”

 

Jim bit his inner cheek, letting the words to wash into him. He guessed Bones was right at some point. But Spock looked so unapproachable lately and Jim was scared that what he was looking at right now was goodbye. He didn’t think this thing between them would ever end. He didn’t know why he was surprised either.

 

It had always been a Kirk curse.

 

Everything good always ended in a disaster for them.

 

***

 

“Spock,” Jim said as he looked at the half-Vulcan in front of him. Jim was about to leave his class when Spock stopped him. He had been waiting for Jim outside of the lecture hall for about a few minutes. Jim felt his heart squeezing tight at the sight in front of him. Spock simply looked at Jim before he looked away.

 

“If I may have a few minutes of your time, Cadet Kirk,” Spock said and Jim licked his lips. He looked around him, thanking whatever forces were up there when he saw nobody around. He then nodded, following Spock to his office. Once inside, the doors closed with a silent hiss as Spock walked to his desk.

 

“So, what do you want?” Jim asked as he walked closer to the desk. Spock looked back at Jim before he broke the eye contact again.

 

“I want to apologise, Jim,” Spock said after a minute, catching Jim off guard. “What I did to you four point four days ago was rash and bad partner behaviour. I have hurt you and for that I am deeply remorseful.”

 

Jim looked at Spock for a while, catching the seriousness in his voice. Jim simply sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Maybe you were forced to,” Jim said slowly, feeling his heart breaking slightly at the thought that this relationship maybe was one-sided after all.

 

Spock looked at him, his lips thinning. “No, I was not,” Spock said. “I have forced myself upon you in an undignified manner. I have upset you and had neglected your needs. For that, I apologise. I know my excuses will not erase the fact that I also left you right after. But I only did so because out of guilt. I did not have any intention on hurting you, Jim.”

 

Jim knew Spock never had any intention to hurt Jim. But that night, he felt raw anger, maybe disappointment and resignation. It wasn’t love and he couldn’t find even the slightest trace of affection in his actions. “Do you,” Jim started, avoiding looking at Spock. “Do you even love me anymore?”

 

Silence washed into the office before he felt Spock walking up to him. He glanced up to Spock and he sighed when he felt the familiar slightly colder palms cupping his face. He looked at the dark orbs, trying his best not to end up crying like some girl. “Jim, you know I have felt affection for you.”

 

Jim closed his eyes for a second when he felt the cold shudder running down his spine. “If that was true,” Jim said softly as he opened his eyes again. “If that was true, then why didn’t I feel it when you touched me that day? The first time you touched me after five months and all I could feel was anger and resignation, Spock! I felt like you didn’t want me anymore. Don’t you want me anymore?”

 

Spock went tense as his hands dropped to Jim’s shoulders. Jim thought he saw shame in Spock’s eyes but he didn’t know if he should believe it. “I am sorry.”

 

Jim’s eyes widened at the apology. It was rare for Spock to exactly say those words to him. It was always ‘I apologise’ or ‘I did not mean it that way’ but never ‘I am sorry’. Jim looked away from him, feeling mixed emotions in his heart. One part of him was saying that this couldn’t possibly work anymore because Spock doesn’t love him—he thought he did but he doesn’t while the other part was saying that he was really sorry and he still loved him, still wanted him. He didn’t know which side to buy so at the end, he just drooped his shoulders in defeat and laid his head against Spock’s chest.

 

He wrapped his arms around Spock, squeezing him tight. Somewhere deep in his heart he knew this wasn’t going to last. It was just a nudge. And Jim was never wrong about his nudge but he didn’t want to believe it. So he closed his eyes shut and squeezed Spock tighter when Spock wrapped his arms around him.

 

“I forgive you,” Jim said after a while. He didn’t really hurt Jim anyway. There weren’t any bruises, just his bruised heart. Jim also knew that Spock wouldn’t repeat any of his mistakes twice, so he was sure that Spock meant it. He always did.

 

Spock relaxed in his embrace but he still couldn’t remove the nagging thought that this momentary stability was just a false alarm. “Don’t you ever touch me like it’s a chore ever again, Spock,” Jim said as he buried his face into Spock’s neck. “Don’t—just don’t ever do that again.”

 

“I will not,” Spock said as he squeezed Jim tighter. “You are welcome to ‘kick me to the curb’ if I defied.”

 

Jim chuckled weakly against his neck. “Okay. Deal.”

 

The only response he got was the tightening of the hug.

 

***

 

It was three months after that and things didn’t change. Sure, Spock tried his best to give his undivided attention to Jim again—but it didn’t feel complete. At the end of the day, Jim felt like he was making a mistake forcing Spock to give him the attention. And Uhura didn’t disappear either. In fact, she became more like a permanent companion to Spock.

 

Anywhere Jim met Spock, she was there next to him. Jim felt the jealousy working in his heart but slowly, it turned into something like resignation—like defeat. She was very logical, from the way she spoke, from the way she was serious about everything and she always kept her emotions in check. Jim started to compare himself with her and realised it a bit too late that maybe Spock was already fascinated with her in more ways than one.

 

His eyes twinkled whenever he spoke about her and despite that he was always with Jim at night, it didn’t keep this insecurity down. In fact, one day, it just got too much for Jim when he caught them at the lecture hall. Uhura was leaning close to Spock, talking about something and Jim saw—he _saw_ how Spock’s lips curled upwards in what seemed like an amused smile.

 

Jim felt the pang of hurt washing through him. That used to be his look for Jim and only Jim. Now—now it was for Uhura. He didn’t bother going into the lecture hall. He just turned around and walked away, realising that maybe—it was time.

 

But he didn’t want them to end. He didn’t want to leave Spock and he didn’t want Spock to leave him either. However, he had witnessed it first hand and how could he even deny it any longer?

 

***

 

Jim bit his nails, looking at his PADD as he sat on the office couch, looking through his work. But his mind wasn’t on it. And Spock was talking about something but all he could hear was the blank white noise in his head. He was startled out of his thoughts when he felt Spock’s hand on his shoulder.

 

“Huh? What?” he asked as he looked at Spock. The half-Vulcan stared at him before an invisible frown crossed his lips.

 

“You seem to be distracted today, Jim,” Spock said. Jim sighed, rubbing his eyes before he shrugged Spock’s hand from his shoulder. The half-Vulcan took his hand off, looking tense.

 

“Sorry,” Jim said as he looked at his lover and gave him a half-hearted smile. “What were you saying?”

 

Spock remained quiet before he opened his mouth to speak again. “I was just merely discussing about my day as you have asked about it five point three minutes ago.”

 

“Oh,” Jim said. “So, how is your day?”

 

Spock’s lips thinned. “It would probably be wise if you had sufficient rest, Jim.”

 

“No, it’s alright,” Jim said as he shook his head. “I’m fine. Just tell me, repeat to me what you said earlier. I promise I’ll listen this time.”

 

Spock just narrowed his eyes at Jim before he nodded, giving up on Jim’s stubbornness. “I was merely saying that my day had been resourceful. I had a meeting with Starfleet Command and they have already established the assigning of graduating cadets to their respective ships.”

 

“Oh!” Jim said as he perked up with a grin. “Right. They’ve sorted us out already?”

 

“Affirmative,” Spock said as he relaxed into the couch. “I had the privilege to know which ship I am going to be serving first.”

 

Jim felt the nervousness bubbling inside of him. He knew this was going to happen as well. Jim wasn’t that hopeful that he would get to serve the same ship as Spock. But still, he wished he would. He wanted to be with Spock, didn’t he? He wanted to work with Spock, see him in action when the duty was on him.

 

But those were just wishful thinking. He didn’t want to raise hope in himself only to get disappointed. He had enough disappointments for now. “So, which ship are you going to be serving for?”

 

“That is classified,” Spock said with amusement in his eyes. Jim rolled his eyes at Spock.

 

“Aww, come on, Spock!” Jim said as he scooted closer to the half-Vulcan. “I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”

 

“It is still classified,” Spock said not relenting. Jim backed down when he saw the small glimmer of seriousness in his eyes. “You will know once you have graduated.”

 

Jim sighed as he leaned into the couch. “You’re such a tease, aren’t you?” Jim said without venom. Spock simply quirked his lips upwards. Jim felt the sudden wash of insecurity inside of him when he realised he saw the same look with Uhura. Only, with her, he was more—more relaxed like how he used to be with him.

 

Jim looked away, going back to his PADD. “So, that’s all?” Jim asked. “Your day, I mean.”

 

“Besides the dutiful lectures, it is all,” Spock said.

 

Jim bit back his tongue from asking about Uhura. He glanced at Spock, wondering if the half-Vulcan wanted to talk about her. Jim looked back to his PADD. He sighed softly before he opened his mouth. “What about your star student?”

 

He was digging his own grave but he couldn’t help it.

 

Something in him wanted to know more about what Spock was feeling at the moment.

 

“Cadet Uhura has been diligent as usual,” Spock said and Jim could practically hear the honey in his voice. He was really proud of her, Jim could tell. “I believe she would be getting a ship that is up to her standards to serve on.”

 

“Careful, Spock,” Jim said trying to sound nonchalant. “I might get jealous.”

 

Spock didn’t say anything to contradict the words. He simply shook his head before he went back to his own work. Jim glanced up to him and frowned to himself. Spock didn’t say anything to tell him otherwise. Did that mean he should be jealous?

 

He didn’t know what to think as he threw those thoughts away for now.

 

***

 

A week before graduation and Jim was tattered inside. About three days ago, Jim and Spock got into _another_ fight. It was always about the same thing, over and over again. Spock was being an ass as usual and Jim got irritated. And then, Uhura walked into the scene and Jim just had enough. So, he took his bag and he walked out of there, not even glancing at them anymore.

 

Spock didn’t come around to apologise and Jim didn’t go looking for him. At the end, three days have passed and Jim just couldn’t handle it anymore. Walking down the hallway, his PADD suddenly chimed. He looked at it and his eyes widened when he saw a mail from Starfleet Headquarters, letting him know about which ship he was going to get assigned to.

 

His heart was pounding in his chest as he stopped walking. Licking his lips, he pressed on the mail and read through. He was getting ranked as a Lieutenant. He grinned realising all his hard work paid off. His dream was to captain a star ship one day and by this rate, he guessed he could do it within three to six years tops. He then looked at the ship he was being assigned to.

 

 _U.S.S Farragut_.

 

Jim felt slightly disappointed at the ship. It wasn’t the best ship out there but it certainly wasn’t the worst per say. He thought maybe he would get U.S.S Enterprise instead. That ship was just beautiful and Jim had fallen in love with her the moment he saw her blueprint. He shrugged the slight disappointment off and continued to walk down the hallways—now heading to find Bones.

 

His fight with Spock was left forgotten at the back of his mind.

 

***

 

“U.S.S Farragut,” Bones deadpanned. “I got U.S.S Farragut.”

 

“Thank God,” Jim said as Bones shot him a glare. “What? I wanted someone I know on board that ship too, you know.”

 

“Whatever, Jim,” Bones said as he placed the PADD on the table and bringing his food tray near him. “I’m still getting outta here and that’s what matters the most.”

 

Jim simply quirked his eyebrows in amusement. “Still, you outrank me, you know. Lieutenant Commander.”

 

Bones simply gave him a smirk and Jim rolled his eyes at him. “So, what ship is the hobgoblin serving?”

 

Jim’s smile dimmed, placing his PADD on the table as well. “I don’t know,” he said, ignoring Bones’s confused look. After a while, he heard Bones muttering under his breath.

 

“You both act like two goddamn teenagers,” Bones said gruffly. Jim scowled at Bones.

 

“Whatever,” Jim said. “Anyways, I don’t know. He wouldn’t tell me.”

 

“Is that before you both acted like buttheads or after?”

 

“Bones,” Jim said with a sigh. After a minute, he finally relented. “I think—I think he likes her.”

 

Silence washed in between them before Bones slammed his fork on the table. Bones was the only one who Jim could talk to about Spock. Even though the doctor would complain that no, he wasn’t a damn love guru, he still listened patiently.

 

Jim was grateful he had a friend like Bones.

 

“Jim, that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard you say. _Ever_. And that counts after all those shitty things you spouted for the past three years I’ve known you.”

 

Jim frowned at him. “But—you should’ve been there, Bones. He’s all so fascinated with her. She’s logical, smart, pretty and probably everything a Vulcan dreams about if they wanted a Human mate. God, Bones, what if this is it? What if this is what I’m going to get in the long haul? What if to him, I’m not it?”

 

Bones’s lips thinned as he looked at Jim in the eyes. “Jim, listen to me, no Vulcan would stay with a Human for three years if they aren’t confident their Human was the one.”

 

Jim worked his inner cheek, listening close. But he didn’t know what to believe at the moment. Bones could be right but at the same time, Jim could be right too. All this thinking was making a mess in his head. At the end, he simply dropped the whole subject. He was too tired to think.

 

Jim simply sighed. “I don’t know,” he said as he shrugged.

 

***

 

Jim spotted Spock at the Academy park, sitting down on the bench and was skimming through his PADD while Uhura was next to him. His heart finally had enough. Spock didn’t even come looking for him, didn’t even come to see him—and instead, he spent his days with her.

 

She spotted Jim immediately before she stood up. “Jim,” she said. Honestly though, she was nice. She was sharp mouthed and she had a witty attitude that always took Jim off guard. But that was also what he loathed about her because she seemed fitting for Spock.

 

The half-Vulcan immediately looked at Jim, his eyes were guarded and his lips were pressing into a thin straight line. Jim looked back at Uhura before he nodded at her. He didn’t show his distaste to her. He didn’t like it when someone else got burned because of something he was having trouble dealing with.

 

So, he didn’t declare her hostility in her face. He kept his voice light and his smile bright, hoping it would send a message that he didn’t hate her. And he didn’t really—it wasn’t her fault for being so fascinating to a Vulcan. The more he got to know her, the more he could see why Spock would fall for her instead of him.

 

He felt his heart breaking at that thought. However, he kept his face neutral.

 

“So, which ship are you assigned for?” Jim asked as Uhura beamed widely at him.

 

“U.S.S Enterprise,” she said happily. “Professor Spock got into U.S.S Enterprise as well.”

 

Jim felt everything in him steeling back. “Oh,” Jim said as he looked back at Spock. “He told you?”

 

“Well, I accidentally saw it on his PADD about two days ago,” she said with a sheepish smile. Jim looked away from Spock’s sharp stare and looked back at the woman in front of him. His mind slowly made up and he realised—if this was how things ought to be—then let it be.

 

Even destiny wanted Spock to end up with Uhura and who was he to step in the middle?

 

“I see,” Jim said with a smile. “That’s good news, Uhura.”

 

“Thanks,” she said before she pointed at him. Jim felt his cheeks flushing from embarrassment and after a minute, he just decided to get this over with.

 

“U.S.S Farragut,” he said as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. Her smile dimmed into a sympathetic one as she patted on his shoulder. After that, she picked up her bag and said she had classes to attend, final ones. Once she left, Jim felt the atmosphere tensing between him and Spock.

 

“Cadet Kirk,” Spock said, catching Jim’s attention. The blond-haired man looked at his lover and gave him a fleeting smile. He sat down next to him before he sighed, looking at the blue sky. “Jim,” Spock’s voice softened.

 

“U.S.S Enterprise, the both of you, huh?” Jim asked mildly before looking at Spock. “You must be ecstatic.”

 

Spock’s lips thinned. “Vulcans do not feel ecstatic,” Spock said but Jim just chuckled dryly, feeling like he had given everything he got and yet, he received only a momentary bliss.

 

“It’s alright, Spock,” Jim said, looking away as he felt the heavy sadness clouding his mind. “Maybe it’s destiny or something.”

 

Spock sat up straighter, eyeing Jim for a moment. “I do not understand what you mean.”

 

Jim gave him a sad, twisted smile as he blinked back the tears. “We only have a few more days, Spock and let’s be real, our relationship is not doing well these past few months. I—I don’t feel great being with you anymore.”

 

Spock’s shoulder wound tense and his jaw clicked tight. His eyes narrowed down to Jim blue ones. Silence, tense silence washed into the scene. “Is this because of our argument prior five point three two days ago? If it is so, Jim—”

 

“Don’t,” Jim said quickly, shaking his head. “I don’t—don’t apologise. It starts to feel hollow if you say it too many times.”

 

“Words cannot turn hollow as they do not have a definite shape—”

 

“Spock,” Jim said frustrated, rubbing his face. “Spock, be real here with me. We’re not going to get better anymore. Can’t you see? Uhura’s—she’s—she’s the one for you, isn’t she?”

 

Spock’s eyes flashed something dangerous. “What is your meaning, Jim? Are you accusing me of feeling for another while I am in a relationship with you?”

 

Jim looked away, biting his inner cheek. “And if I was?”

 

“You do not trust me,” Spock said gravely at the end, causing Jim to flinch.  Jim sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.

 

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Spock,” Jim said as he chewed his bottom lip. “But lately…I’ve been feeling like you’re more fascinated with her than you are to me. I mean, your eyes, they light up every time you see her, every time you talk about her. You—you admire her, Spock. How am I not supposed to feel threatened by that?”

 

Spock remained quiet. “Jim, you only need to have said something to me,” Spock said slowly.

 

“No,” Jim said as he laughed bitterly. “I didn’t want you to think I’m this possessive bastard but then again, maybe I am. I don’t like it when she’s near you, I don’t like it when you spend so much time with her. You didn’t—You even smiled for her, Spock. I can’t—it hurts. It hurts to know you don’t want me anymore. It hurts to know you don’t love me anymore.”

 

Spock immediately stood up. Jim looked at him and he saw disappointment written in those eyes. “I see,” Spock said. “I believe I have said this time and time again. Your insecurities are without basis. My eyes do not ‘light up’ whenever I see her neither do I ‘smile’ at her.”

 

“So, what?” Jim asked as he stood up, feeling the anger boiling in him. “I’m seeing it all wrong? You’re not fascinated by her? You haven’t thought about her more than a cadet? Your eyes don’t lie, Spock! You can but your eyes—”

 

“Silence!” Spock uttered sharply causing Jim to widen his eyes. “You do not trust me. You do not trust me at all. That is why when I am merely interested in her as an excellent cadet, you jump into conclusions that I want her.”

 

Jim remained quiet for a while. “I love you,” Jim said. “But I can’t do this anymore if we keep on fighting and I—I know what I saw, Spock.”

 

“Your eyes are merely deceiving you,” Spock said, this time sounding softer. Silence filled in between them before Jim felt the resignation in the air. “However, I am unable to—to process this information you have accused me of at the moment. I believe that if there is no trust in a relationship, it is futile for us to remain together.”

 

Jim’s heart stopped beating but he knew this was right. To be honest, he felt insecure lately and if Spock wanted to blame it all on him, then it was alright because he was at fault somewhere in this too. Jim looked away from Spock’s eyes. They were at the end of the road. Jim sighed as he took a step back.

 

 “I’m sorry,” Jim said finally as he looked at Spock in the eyes. “I haven’t—I’m sorry I haven’t been that good of a lover for you. I’m emotional, rash and bashful, even if I don’t sound like it. I can’t—I can’t be logical even if my life depended on it. I just do what I think is right. I’m sorry if I hurt you, Spock.”

 

Spock remained quiet before he gave out a tense nod. “I believe the sentiment is reciprocated.”

 

“This’ll give us time, you know,” Jim said as he pointed to the sky. “You and I serving for different ships. This’ll—this’ll be good for us. Maybe we need some space. Who knows, maybe the next time I see you, you changed your mind about me.”

 

Spock took a step forward but Jim didn’t want to listen anymore. If he stayed here any longer, his heart would want his comfort again and Jim would give in. He didn’t want that. He wanted to stay back and this time, he wanted to let Spock choose. Jim had chosen Spock, always and he guessed somehow he always will. But now, when things were tense and dark—instead of working it out, they needed space.

 

Spock opened his mouth, to say something but then he closed it again after a minute. He nodded in agreement as he clutched onto his PADD tight, the edges cracking slightly. “Goodbye, Jim.”

 

Jim felt the tears finally welling in his eyes before he nodded, glancing at Spock one last time before he took in a deep breath. “Goodbye, Spock. And…good luck.”

 

With that, he turned around and walked away, leaving the best thing that had ever happened to him behind.

 

***

 

After graduation, Jim took off his cap, smiling at Bones. The doctor found out about their separation when he saw Jim’s eyes all red and dark circles under them that day. Jim stopped Bones from going after Spock because truthfully, it was all over. Jim still had the sense of hope, maybe even a slight sparkle of it that Spock would come after him—would tell him that he wasn’t leaving without Jim.

 

But he didn’t, so Jim crushed that hope in his heart.

 

“The hobgoblin left,” Bones said as he took off his own hat. Jim’s smile dimmed before he nodded. The U.S.S Enterprise was about to take off in another eight hours. It was for the best that he didn’t see the half-Vulcan either. “You alright?”

 

“I’m fine,” Jim said with a grin. Their ship was leaving in the next twenty four hours, so he looped his arm on Bones’s shoulder and started to walk with him by his side. “Let’s go and get drunk.”

 

“You’re fucking kidding, right?” Bones asked indecorously. “We have to report to the ship tomorrow at eight in the morning, Jim. You wanna risk getting a hangover?”

 

“Come on, Bones,” Jim said as he tugged him close. “Let lose! We’ve graduated! Space is where we’ll be going next! Side by side—you and me!”

 

“Oh, great God,” Bones said as he huffed out his breath. “Space and you—woppe-de-doo.”

 

Jim chuckled at Bones’s less than enthusiastic reply laced with sarcasm. “Come on.”

 

He glanced through the crowd one last time and he thought he saw the familiar dark orbs catching his eyes. Blinking once, the orbs disappeared and he sighed. Bones tugged him close and smiled at him. “It’ll be alright, Jim,” he said and Jim smiled at him appreciatively.

 

He guessed this was it. He was just going to forget about his heartache and focus on his new job. He was going to be the best Starfleet Officer this world or any world had seen and he was going to be the Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise. Damnit, he wasn’t backing down just because he no longer had Spock next to him. Who knows? Maybe this hole would disappear and when he met Spock the next time, he would be able to push this past them.

 

Heading down to his dorm room to pack up, his mind flickered through the last memories of Spock and closed it all behind. Let destiny decide this time what the next step should be. He was going to do the best he can in everything he did from now on.

 

Touching his chest gently, he stopped at the hallways and looked outside of the window to the sky.

 

Taking a deep breath, he finally nodded and wished the half-Vulcan his luck. 

 

 _Goodbye, Spock,_ his mind cooed gently. 

 

But little did he know that six years later, he would be Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise and—he would be meeting Spock again. This time as his First Officer.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hehehe...hehe...?? Is it alright? Was it too rushed? Was it even, I don't know, makes sense? Anyways, I tried my best and I worked hard on it, so I hope you guys enjoyed it! Leave a kudos if you guys did and some feedback? Well, until the next chappie~! -Krystal


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine!
> 
> A/N: Heyyy~ I'm back! Well, anyways, before you guys continue down to read there, I just want you guys to know that no, I have one more chapter after this. I know I said I had one more chapter in the previous chapter, but I ended up writing it longer than I anticipated and I'm like, no, let's end Chapter 2 here and then Chapter 3, we'll progress a bit more towards the end. Also, all the missions down here is made-up. I made up the name, the people and ya, what not but I hope it's 'Star Trekkie' enough for you guys. Also, the medical things? Just mumbo-jumbo. Haha...Anyways, I'll ramble more at the end! Enjoy!

 

 

**SIX YEARS LATER**

 

The sky in San Francisco this morning was blue. It rained yesterday night, so the roads looked damp and the trees looked wet. But overall, the air was fresh and well, it was as if this day was going to get better from now on. Jim smiled as he got out of the hover cab. He rolled his shoulders before tightening his grip on the small suitcase he brought with him.

 

This was it.

 

He grinned widely as he walked into the Star Base 1. Cadets ran past him while other ranked officers had their hands full with orders to follow. Jim swiftly walked past them to his station, sighing when he finally reached his appointed place. He took out his comm and identified his beaming up coordinates before finding it.

 

After six years, here he was finally.

 

It had been a bumpy six years but it was worthwhile when he was finally promoted to Captain and was given his own ship.

 

The U.S.S Enterprise.

 

The ship that was once captained by Admiral Christopher Pike now belonged to him.

 

He only met Christopher Pike a few times but he had taken a liking to that man and vice versa. He admired the old man, now an Admiral. He was a model captain and Jim took it as a challenge to become as good as him—or even slightly better. He sighed to himself when he received the familiar cackle from the comm—knowing that it was time.

 

He was excited and maybe slightly nervous.

 

But most of all, he was terrified.

 

He might look calm and collected outside, maybe even a tad happy but really, this was going to be his first ship. This was going to be his first crew solely under his responsibility. What he had in his hands at the moment was heavy and he couldn’t afford to mess it up. He remembered his times when he was serving U.S.S Farragut before being promoted as Commander, skipping Lieutenant Commander in the first two years there.

 

Then, he was assigned to another ship when U.S.S Farragut ended their two year mission. Bones ended up separating from him after U.S.S Farragut but that didn’t stop them from being in contact. At the end, he found out that Bones was assigned as Chief Medical Officer in U.S.S Enterprise and that made Jim work even harder to get to where he belonged.

 

Christopher Pike himself recommended Jim as his successor, as the next captain for U.S.S Enterprise when the time finally came. Well, never say good luck didn’t run in the Kirk family either. Of course, Jim wasn’t allowed to change the crew. He could request additional members but the original crew must stay. The crew was what made U.S.S Enterprise well known for its successful mission rates and credibility after their two year mission.

 

Jim wasn’t planning on changing the crew either.

 

He was honoured enough to lead them.

 

So, when he received the names and profiles of those who were going to work with him, he didn’t think he would be meeting an old ghost. Logically, he thought it had been six years after all. Maybe some of them had been transferred to another ship and Jim was—well, he secretly wished this person would be one of them.

 

But he wasn’t.

 

Instead, Jim couldn’t believe that history was going to repeat itself.

 

The blond-haired man panicked that day. He knew Bones told him about _him_ a few times but the name never really resurfaced after a while and Jim didn’t ask. But when he saw _the_ name on the crew list, he let out a stuttering breath and wondered what he did in his previous life to have caused him to have such bad karma now.

 

Suddenly, the captaincy didn’t sound so appealing anymore.

 

Okay, so maybe that was a lie. He still wanted to be the Captain of U.S.S Enterprise but he knew it wasn’t going to be an easy ride. So, he had a few days to steel in every strand of courage and determination in himself before he had to step into the ship.

 

But even so, he couldn’t actually ignore the bubbling nervousness at the pit of his stomach. “Jim!” Scotty’s voice came through the comm. Jim grinned at the voice of his engineer. He had known Scotty a while as well. He had been working with Jim for a year before he requested a transfer because he said he couldn’t work with ‘idiots who berated him like he knew nothing about his ship’.

 

Jim wasn’t one of those idiots so they became fast friends.

 

“Speaking,” Jim said with a chuckle.

 

“Ready to beam up, sir?” Scotty said with pride leaking through his voice. Jim took in a deep breath before he clutched onto his suitcase a little tighter.

 

“Ready as I’ll ever be, Scotty,” he said. “Beam me up.”

 

“Aye’, Captain!”

 

Then, Jim felt the familiar buzzing vibrating through his body and before he knew it, he was materialised on the transporter pad. He licked his lips and blinked, trying to get rid of the buzzing before he sighed, a smile gracing on his lips. He stepped down from the pad when Scotty surged up to him with a hug.

 

Dropping his bag on the ground, he hugged him back. “Scotty!” he said.

 

“It’s good to see ye, Jim,” Scotty said as he released him. “A captain now, eh? I always ‘new you had it in ya!”

 

Jim grinned widely in response before he slapped Scotty’s back. Jim looked around the room, taking in the details and storing them in his mind. “Where’s the rest of the crew?”

 

“Waiting for ye at the bridge,” Scotty said as Jim nodded. “I bet the good Doctor is gonna be excited as well, eh?”

 

“Bones?” Jim asked. “Well, it had been some time since I had one of his Hyposprays-of-Doom.” Scotty went visibly pale at that. Jim knew that by now, everyone on board the ship had noticed Bones’s secret infatuation with the hyposprays. He liked using them as a weapon, even though he would deny it until his dying breath and then deny it some more.

 

His bag was carried off by an ensign before he walked into the turbo lift, his heart starting to pound in his chest. Here he was, going to the bridge to meet his crew. He didn’t know how he was going to react or how they were going to react per say to a young captain. After being captained by a more experienced leader, Jim wondered if they would be able to accept someone like him—someone so fresh and new to this easily.

 

Probably not but Jim could hope, couldn’t he?

 

The doors opened and Jim knew that this was it.

 

He took in a deep breath before Scotty nodded at him. With that, the engineer walked out first. Jim then followed Scotty, feeling all eyes aimed directly at him. He had this urge to rub the back of his neck like some shy teenager all of a sudden but he couldn’t afford to look anything less than confident, so he didn’t. He walked in until he was standing at the centre of the bridge.

 

Jim eyed each and every one of them, taking in their looks and slight traces of their personality. He knew who each and every one of them was. He had studied everything about his crewmembers, making sure he wasn’t about to mess this up for missing a detail.

 

His eyes then landed on Uhura and his heart stopped beating for a second. He hadn’t really had any contact with her since graduation and secretly he was glad. He didn’t think keeping contact with the person who was the main reason why his first real relationship ended was a good idea. But now, he was painfully aware that she was here as his Chief Communication Officer. There was no avoiding her now.

 

She looked sharp, neatly dressed with her ponytail high on the crown of her head. When his eyes met hers, she was staring right at him deeply as if she knew something he didn’t. Jim looked away from her, composing himself for a second.

 

He was also aware of _him_. _He_ was standing next to her, his hands behind his back and Jim simply breezed past him without lingering his gaze on him for more than a second. After that, he took in a deep breath, deciding that he better get this over with. “Right,” Jim said before he grinned. “I’m James Tiberius Kirk and I’m your captain from now on.”

 

The bridge crewmembers eyed him like he was some specimen. Jim knew he was being judged, being evaluated at how good of a captain he could be. It was uncomfortable honestly.

 

He cleared his throat and looked at his captain chair. Huh, _his chair_. He liked the sound of that. Just then, the senior officers took a step forward to him, ready to introduce themselves to their new captain.

 

“I’m Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu, the helmsman,” Sulu stepped forward. Jim grinned once more before he nodded. He had heard a lot about Sulu’s piloting and he was honestly impressed and honoured to have him as a helmsman. He extended his hand out and Sulu took it, a smile gracing his face.

 

“Nice to meet you, Lieutenant,” Jim said even though he didn’t think calling his everyday bridge crewmembers by their rankings was going to work for him. Then, a Russian kid, maybe not even more than a passing adult stepped up, beaming widely at him.

 

“I am Ensign Pavel Chekov,” Chekov said. “I am ze navigator.”

 

Jim took in the ensign’s form and noted that despite he looked slightly—younger than the rest of the crew, he was smarter than all of them combined. He was actually honoured to be with such a smart kid so he smiled at him. Chekov brightened visibly at the acknowledgement. Uhura was next, she took a step forward and her ponytail swished from the movement.

 

Extending her hand out, she caught Jim’s eyes again. “I am Lieutenant Commander Nyota Uhura. I assume you know my position here, Captain.” There was some disdain in her voice but Jim didn’t contemplate on it too much. Instead, he took her hand and shook it—noting mentally that her grip tightened to the point almost painful by the time he tried to pull away.

 

“We meet again, Lieutenant Commander,” Jim said with a smile. She simply smiled back but they were tight around the edges. She nodded at him before the next person stepped up to him. Jim visibly tensed as he finally looked at the half-Vulcan’s face.

 

“Captain, I am Commander Spock. First Officer and also a Science Officer of this vessel.”

 

Jim’s breath got stuck at this throat when he finally caught Spock’s eyes. After so long, after six years, he finally met him again. Jim took in how he looked, realising that this half-Vulcan in front of him hadn’t changed much from the last time he saw him. Something bitter crawled into his heart as he nodded at him. He tried to smile but he knew it came out slightly grimaced.

 

So, he was acting as if he didn’t know Jim, huh?

 

Fine by him, if it would be mandatory for the performance of his crew, then he guessed he had to indulge in this as well. Though his heart protested, he simply locked away any further noise that might make him look at the half-Vulcan again.

 

“Right,” Jim said, immediately looking away to the rest of his crewmembers. Just then, the turbo lift doors opened and Bones walked into the scene, grumbling as usual before he halted at the doorway. His eyes met Jim’s and the blond-haired man grinned widely. “Hey.”

 

“Jim!” Bones said as he walked up to the man and dragged him into a hug. Jim hugged him back, taking in the warmth of his best friend before they took a step back from each other. Bones eyes travelled from Jim to the First Officer standing behind him before he looked back at the blond-haired man.

 

There was a question in Bones’s eyes but Jim simply smiled at him in response.

 

“Chief Medical Officer, huh?” Jim said and Bones simply rolled his eyes, straightening his uniform.

 

“Don’t you have a ship to start commanding, Jim?” Bones asked, raising his eyebrows. God, Jim missed him. Nodding, Jim looked back to his crewmembers.

 

“Return to your posts, we’re getting ready to leave,” Jim ordered before looking back at Bones. “You too, Bones.”

 

“Like I wanted to be here,” Bones groused but Jim couldn’t help but to smile at him. Flicking his wrist, Bones head his way to Sickbay leaving Jim on the bridge. After that, he took in a deep breath and watched as his bridge crewmembers went back to their posts, leaving Jim alone with his captain seat.

 

He sat down, immediately looking at the small compartment near his right hand. He opened it up and couldn’t help but to feel an inner child yelling happily inside when he saw the flashing buttons. He pressed onto the intercom and spoke through, introducing himself to everyone on the ship and asked them to get ready as they were about to leave. He settled into the comfortable chair and sighed.

 

“Where should we go first?” Jim asked to everyone around the bridge. There wasn’t any command at the moment from Starfleet Head, just an order to start exploring first. Sulu glanced at him before he grinned.

 

“Anywhere you want to go, sir,” he said as he went back to his panels. Jim hummed before he looked at his First Officer. Spock was sitting at his post before he turned around in his seat to look at Jim. The blond-haired man felt the same prickling sensation in his heart once more when their eyes met and for a moment, everything around him blanked off.

 

It had been six years and it took him a lot of time before he could get over the pain.

 

But just one look from him again and here the pain was, as if it never really went away. Jim broke the eye contact. He knew that somewhere deep inside he never really forgot about Spock. How could he? If anything, he was his first love. He felt the bitter irony washing into him when he glanced at Uhura’s station. She was here too.

 

Jim guessed maybe they would have become closer now that he wasn’t in the way.

 

“Where should we head first, Commander?” Jim asked, breaking away from his thoughts. He needed to make a first good impression. He had taken six years drowning in his work to forget about Spock and now, it wasn’t going to be any different.

 

Spock eyed Jim for a second before he looked back to his screen. “It is entirely up to you to decide, Captain.” His voice was cold and distant maybe slightly edgy but Jim ignored it. He shrugged that off before looking back to the main viewer.

 

“Take us anywhere, Sulu, first course you can find and plot it,” Jim said immediately and Sulu nodded.

 

“Aye’ Captain!”

 

***

 

When his shift ended, Jim decided to head to the mess hall. The beta shift had taken over and Jim had the pleasure to get to know who his acting Captain for the shift was. Jim picked up his tray and walked to an empty table, sitting down and sighing, rubbing the back of his neck from the sudden kink he got.

 

“Well, look at ya,” Bones said as he placed his own tray in front of Jim. “How’s the first day as Captain treating you, Jim?”

 

Jim laughed for a moment, feeling the surge of familiarity as he looked at Bones in the eyes. He had missed him, he certainly did. He always was the closest with Bones. “It was—it was nice, Bones,” Jim said as he went to his food. Bones eyed the plate before he looked back at Jim. The blond-haired man noticed the look and shook his head. “No way. You’re not going to force me into one of your weird diets, Bones.”

 

Bones simply shoved a forkful of the salad into his mouth as he kept his stare on Jim. “Did I say anything, kid?”

 

Jim narrowed his eyes at his best friend. He knew Bones better than that. He _knew_ that look. “Nu-uh, that’s not going to work on me. Not this time. Stay away from my eating habits, Bones! That’s an order!”

 

Bones had the _nerve_ to _snort_ as he looked at Jim with a smirk on his face. “Jim, what makes you think I give a damn about your orders when it comes to what you eat? I’m your doctor, kid. If I see the food you’re taking isn’t healthy and could potentially make you sick, which by the way can affect your captaining, I can order you back to eat according to what I prescribed. Doctor’s orders override the Captain’s, Jim.”

 

Smug bloody bastard.

 

Jim glared at the doctor. “Oh haha, how I missed your humour. Guess what? I didn’t.”

 

Bones simply shrugged his words off. “Like I’m feeling any opposite.”

 

After a while, Jim simply sighed and rolled his eyes at Bones. Just then, the doors to the mess hall slid opened, Spock walking in with long strides and squared shoulders. Jim froze midway with the fork to his mouth, his eyes raking familiar figure. Uhura joined a split second, walking next to Spock to the replicator and Jim looked away.

 

His heart started to ache again and he sighed loudly.

 

It had been six bloody years. He thought he was over Spock already.

 

“See him?” Bones asked after a while. Jim glanced at him before pressing his lips into a thin line and nodding.

 

“He’s my First Officer, Bones,” Jim said, lowering his voice so nobody else could hear them. “And—Uhura’s here too.”

 

“I did say he was here, Jim,” Bones said after a while. “I thought you forgot about him. Moved on. Found another one.”

 

Jim fidgeted in his seat remembering his failed love conquests after Spock. After he left Spock, things had gone downhill for the blond. Every night, he didn’t fail to dream some kind of memory they shared and it always bothered Jim. He would wake up in the middle of the night, gasping out his name with the longing feeling in his heart.

 

So, he tried to focus on his work. That didn’t help either. Even though he managed to achieve extraordinary things when he focused solely on his work, when there was nothing else to do at night, when he just lied awake staring at the ceiling, his mind would drift back to the half-Vulcan.

 

Even though at the end everything turned sour, they were still beautiful at the beginning. Jim had never felt like this for anyone else for the past six years. His mind and heart always rotated around the half-Vulcan, always pulling out some kind of lost memory to present to him when he closed his eyes.

 

There was a time when he was assigned to an away team during his duty in U.S.S Farragut and somehow, he got shot at by one of the members of the anti-Federation group. When he was bleeding at the transporter pad with a hole in his right shoulder, his mind raced back to Spock.

 

He didn’t think of anyone else until he went unconscious.

 

What they had was magical and probably the only thing that was right in Jim’s life. The pain lessened slowly, it took a while but it did lessened slowly until one day, he woke up and realised he didn’t dream of Spock. Even if he thought about him, the pain wasn’t blaring at him anymore.

 

It took him three and a half years to finally remember Spock and not feel pain.

 

But that didn’t mean the dull ache wasn’t there in his heart.

 

It was there along with unresolved jealousy at the thought that Uhura had him now.

 

Sometimes, he wondered if things could’ve been different if he was more like her—more logical, witty or maybe even more serious. If worse to come, maybe even a woman. But just as the thoughts entered his mind, he would push them away and head back to his work.

 

The love in his heart was still on fire by the time he was reassigned to another ship. It was still there. Jim could feel it now and then but as time went by, he finally fell out of love. He finally decided to let Spock go and that was it. It was his fourth year by then before his captaincy.

 

And life was good after that. He could smile brighter, he could finally ogle other people without feeling like he was betraying his love or cheating on him. He finally slept with someone just a little two years ago with a woman named Carol Marcus.

 

She was beautiful, talented and she was everything Jim was fascinated with.

 

She convinced Jim to try again with her. He wasn’t sure at that time. He had just forgotten about Spock and even though he was healing slowly, it didn’t mean he was ready for another blow, for another failure. But she was persistent, always smiling at him and giving him the encouragement he needed and finally—he relented.

 

Suddenly, he found himself liking her very much.

 

Too bad they didn’t actually have enough time to make it into love. She had a different goal in mind when he got his captaincy. She was a woman with one mind-set for success and she wouldn’t settle for anything less than that. Jim understood her, tried to tell her that it was fine, that he would wait for her—

 

But she didn’t want to.

 

And Jim found himself failing at keeping another one of his sincere loves close to him.

 

They ended their relationship just a little ten months ago. Though, it didn’t hurt like how it felt when he left Spock. For her, he simply felt resigned and after three months, he was able to move on with his life. He was slightly guilty about how he felt for her but his feelings weren’t so strong for her back then and somehow, he realised even if he stayed with her, they would never be strong either.

 

So, he took the captaincy and here he was.

 

But then, when he saw those familiar eyes staring right back at him, Jim felt everything that he tried to forget rushing into him like their breakup happened just yesterday. The whole seriousness and complicated nerves involved in this situation ended up like a punch in the gut feeling for Jim.

 

He thought he could do it but when he saw Spock: that was it.

 

He was back to square one and he didn’t know why either.

 

Why was his heart so adamant on hanging onto the half-Vulcan?

 

“There was,” Jim said slowly. “But she didn’t want to stay.”

 

Bones looked away, sighing. Silence filled in between them and Jim just shrugged the heaviness in the atmosphere off. After a few seconds, he spotted Chekov and Sulu walking up to him. “Mind if we join you?” Sulu asked with a grin. Jim grinned back, deciding that for now, he would forget about them. He pushed away all thoughts about Carol and Spock to the back of his mind.

 

“Sit away,” he said. Bones pulled out a scowl as he eyed the helmsman and the navigator. The Japanese simply placed his tray next to Bones and sat down, Chekov doing the same on the other side of the doctor.

 

“You both better not squish me,” Bones grumbled out. Chekov glanced at Bones before giving him a smile, innocent enough but Jim knew his best friend wasn’t buying it. “I _mean_ it.”

 

“I hev not said anything,” Chekov said as he looked at Jim. “Keptin.”

 

“We’re off duty,” Jim corrected him. “You guys can just call me Jim.”

 

“Jim,” Sulu said nodding. “I’ve seen you around the academy, you know. Now, you’re our captain.”

 

Jim immediately tried to locate Sulu from the times when he was in the academy. However, shamefully, he couldn’t. “I can’t say I’ve noticed you though, Sulu. I wasn’t really that perceptive of my environment.”

 

Sulu simply shrugged at him, letting him know that it was alright. “We’ve received and read your report,” he added after a while. “We’re really impressed and honestly honoured to have you as our captain.”

 

Jim felt shy all of a sudden, giving them awkward smiles. “Well, it’s been my dream for a while now.”

 

Chekov beamed up to him. “This is the best ship to keptin!”

 

Jim nodded in agreement. “She’s a beauty.”

 

Sulu smiled proudly at him. He guessed his crewmembers really did take pride of their ship— _his_ ship now. He couldn’t help but to feel the slight gush of warmness inside of him at that thought. His ship. It definitely rang beautifully in his ears. He sighed as he went back to eating his food, his eyes leaving the three people in front of him to gaze around the hall.

 

The mess hall was lively and it would actually put a smile on anyone’s face once they realised how light the atmosphere in general was. Every one of them got along pretty well with each other and Jim was proud to say that yes, this was the ship he wanted for some time now. Of course, his eyes didn’t skip the particular pair surrounded by other officers, two tables to his right.

 

Jim knew he shouldn’t associate himself right away with those two. But they were his crewmembers and what happened in the past should stay where it belonged—in the past. His heart throbbed when the half-Vulcan caught his eyes from across the hall. Jim stared into them and just like the first time he had seen those eyes, he felt his soul being searched deep inside.

 

Jim didn’t know what to do. Spock had made it very clear on the bridge that he didn’t want to admit that they ever had anything prior this meeting. That thought made Jim slightly put off as he broke the eye contact and looked down to his tray, munching on his food.

 

He glanced up to see Bones staring at him with his eyebrows raised.

 

***

 

Jim walked out of the turbo lift, heading down the hallways to his quarters. He was painfully aware that since he was the captain, his room would be next doors to Spock’s. They would even have a joined bathroom and likely, this was going to be make things slightly harder.

 

He walked into his room, the door hissing closed behind him. He took a deep breath before ordering the lights to a hundred percent. He looked around his room for the next few years, smiling to himself as he walked to his bed and slumped down on his back.

 

In this silence, he could hear the faint humming of his ship. He stared at the ceiling, blinking and remembering today’s events.

 

 _Spock_.

 

He turned to his right and wondered for a moment what the half-Vulcan was thinking when he saw him again. Spock hadn’t changed a bit. He still looked tall and strong with that ridiculous haircut that Jim secretly adored and loved messing it up. He raised his right hand and looked at his fingers. If he closed his eyes and concentrated enough, he could still feel the softness of the jet black hair between his fingers.

 

He could also remember how cool Spock’s skin felt under his palm. All of those details never vanished from his mind. Instead, they strengthened throughout time. It was just the ache surrounding the memories slowly dulled as the years passed. He frowned to himself when he saw the easy dismissal at the bridge.

 

Spock acted as if he didn’t know Jim and that bothered the blond-haired man.

 

He knew that it would maintain professional integrity between them but the easy dismissal was bitter and cold. Suddenly, the wave of coldness hit him wetting his bones. The familiar loneliness curled itself around his heart. This was what he felt when Spock acted so dismissal towards him six years ago. It didn’t change—Spock didn’t change.

 

Did he even mean anything to the half-Vulcan?

 

Was he even important to him?

 

Probably not from the way he acted today. There wasn’t even that familiar irritated glance from him. Instead, his eyes were so dark and so— _vacant_. He gave out a shaky sigh before he closed his eyes, breathing in the fresh scent of his bedsheet.  Uhura was also there, maybe that was why he acted so composed. Maybe he ended up with her instead.

 

Maybe he didn’t want Uhura to know that they had been together before—that they had something special.

 

A bitter chuckle worked out of his lips, the echoes bouncing back to him.

 

His love life was so pathetic.

 

He had thought that being far apart for six years would give them plenty of time to get over the past.

 

Guess he was wrong.

 

He shook it off and decided to just let the tiredness wash into him, lulling him to sleep. He had an early alpha shift tomorrow. “Computer, lights dim to zero percent.”

 

The lights vanished gradually and the room basked in the darkness. Jim closed his eyes and pushed back whatever events happened today out of his mind. With that he let himself drown in this self-bitterness and longing.

 

***

 

Alpha shift didn’t start for another hour. Jim had wandered around the ship, trying to get a good look at his long-lost love, _Enterprise_. He caressed her walls, talked to her absent-mindedly and to his pleasure, nobody walked into his little dramatic attention to his ship.

 

It was just him and his lovely lady.

 

After that, he ended at the mess hall, getting some food for breakfast.

 

He sat down on one of the empty tables, eating on his bread while he eyed around the mess hall. There weren’t many people here, mostly either had started on their shift or wouldn’t start until later today. He didn’t mind eating alone. He smiled at every passing officer who came to talk to him, approaching him cautiously.

 

But none actually sat down and accompanied him. He didn’t take it to heart. He knew they needed some time before they adjusted to their newer—younger captain. Jim continued to eat his bread, keeping a mental list about his reports. After a few seconds, the doors to the mess hall opened, walking in was Uhura.

 

Jim looked away from her, feeling his heart gnawing silently. She then replicated her tray of food before she walked up to him. Placing the tray of food in front of him, she stared at him in the eyes. “Permission to sit with you, Captain?”

 

The blond-haired man almost frowned at her conceding tone. He, however, held his tongue back and nodded. “It’s just Jim when off duty, Uhura.”

 

Uhura eyed him for a moment before she nodded, sitting down and proceeding to take a sip of her soup. Silence poured in between them before she took in a deep breath. “So, captain, huh?”

 

“Yes, captain,” he said with a smile. There was something in between them at the moment. Something thick and dark but Jim wasn’t sure what. She was eyeing him as if she was trying to come to a conclusion. Jim simply avoided her gaze for a few seconds before finally sighing.

 

“So, Spock,” she started and Jim felt everything inside of him halting to a stop. He wondered for a moment if he looked tense. He risked a glance at her and she narrowed her eyes at him.

 

“Yes?” Jim asked, straightening himself. “What about him?”

 

“He’s your First Officer,” she said bluntly. Jim nodded at her even though he didn’t know where this was going.

 

“Yes,” Jim said as he furrowed his eyebrows. She huffed out her breath before she slammed her spoon on the table harshly, startling the blond-haired man along the way.

 

“Permission to speak freely, Captain?” she asked clipped.

 

“Uhura, we’re not on duty,” he said slowly. She just stared at him, her jaw working. Finally, he relented. Obviously, there was something she was uneasy about with him. “Permission granted.”

 

“Are you trying to act dumb, Jim?” she asked icily, shocking Jim off from his core.

 

“Excuse me?” he asked, narrowing his eyes right back at her.

 

“Don’t act all innocent, Jim,” she sneered. “It isn’t you.”

 

“Uhura, what the hell are you talking about?” Jim asked irritated. Her sudden hostile attitude on him was grating his nerves and the worst part, he didn’t know why she was behaving this way.

 

“I’m talking about you and Spock,” she said after a minute, her lips thinning. Jim’s eyes widened at the declaration. He felt his heart stop beating for a second and his mind frantically working out an answer to her sudden words.

 

Did she know?

 

It wasn’t possible. He made sure nobody else besides Bones knew about their relationship. “I’m not sure what you mean,” he asked her slowly.

 

She simply scoffed. “Please, Jim. Denying this is like denying my intelligence. I know you _know_ what I’m trying to say.”

 

There was really only one way she could’ve known about their past liaison and that was if Spock told her. His mind screeched to a panicked halt. Could it be possible he told her about them? That didn’t seem possible at first thought but the look she was portraying at the moment spoke volumes.

 

Suddenly, dread washed into him.

 

 _Spock told her about them_.

 

“Spock told you,” he said, not a question but a fact. She finally curled one corner of her lips upwards in satisfaction.

 

“He did,” she confirmed. Jim’s grip on the bread tightened. He didn’t know what else Spock shared with her but apparently, this woman in front of him knew everything there ever was between them. Hadn’t it been like that since the academy days? His bitter heart on the past grew bitterer. He remembered when he was with Spock, the half-Vulcan kept a tight lid on some things.

 

He wouldn’t let Jim know about it even when the blond-haired man used the excuse of them getting to know each other. But with Uhura—suddenly Spock didn’t see any problem to pour out his problems and secrets to her. His eyes sharpened at his Chief Communication Officer.

 

Somewhere deep inside of his mind, a childish accusation that she was the cause of their fall out rang out through him. But he didn’t say it aloud, knowing that it was better to get along with his crewmembers despite their differences than to get hostile with them.

 

“I’m not sure why you’re bringing this up, Uhura,” he said, his voice sounding tight. “It’s in the past. If he told you about it, then you should know it’s been six years and the past should stay as such.”

 

“The past, Jim?” she asked. “You’re telling me you’ve moved on from him already? The best thing that ever happened to you?”

 

“Look,” Jim started. “I told you. It’s been six bloody years. I had my reasons and if he told you that too, then you should know you’re involved in this mess as well.”

 

He knew that that was a low blow, blaming someone else for their fall out but the inner child inside of him grinned in malicious satisfaction when he saw Uhura’s eyes dimming and sharpening.

 

So, at the end he summarised, Spock told her. He knew that the half-Vulcan had told her about why they didn’t make it this long. _Of course_.

 

The look on Uhura’s face was like a punch to his gut. Anger, old resurfaced anger washed into him at the thought that she still had the nerve to sit in front of him and question about his past with Spock. The half-Vulcan was single now, wasn’t he?

 

“If you’re insecurities got the best of you because of me, then that should tell something about your trust on Spock, doesn’t it?” she said coldly. “Just for the record, I never planned on stealing him from you. He was the only one who understood my way of thinking. He means a lot to me but not in the way you think. But then again, you never trusted him, did you? And I bet you still don’t.”

 

 _That_ got to Jim. He felt like someone decided to slap him across the face and his face fell. He stood up abruptly, glaring down on Uhura. “That is none of your business, Uhura,” he said annoyed. “If you want to bring this up now, go do it with Spock but don’t come prying on my business. What we had was over. Enough digging the past up. If you’ll excuse me.”

 

With that, he took his tray and walked to the tray disposer, his appetite vanishing.

 

He walked out of the mess hall, half of his mind was indulged in annoyance with specks of anger. He wasn’t particularly angry at Uhura but mostly it was directed at Spock and maybe slightly to himself. He guessed he was at fault too for their failed relationship.

 

He guessed he didn’t really trust Spock as much as he thought he should.

 

But it was in the past now. He groaned internally feeling the familiar numbness working back into his heart. He had thought that he was safe from this. He had thought that even after six years, if someone walked up to him and asked him about his old affair with Spock, he wouldn’t get irritated or angry or even upset.

 

But he _did_.

 

It was as if nothing changed and that boggled Jim’s mind for a second. Why was he feeling this way? Was it because of some old unresolved tension between them? Was it because Jim never really got to find out if Spock actually fancied her when they were together?

 

Whatever it was, Jim prayed it would go away.

 

It was long gone and done for Jim to pry it back into the open. It was buried with layers of insecurity, broken trust, disappointments and anger. It would only be painful to open the old lid again.

 

Wouldn’t it?

 

He shook his head as he walked up to the turbo lift. Once the doors opened, he walked in, immediately freezing when he saw who it was occupying the lift as well. He immediately turned his back to the person, pressing onto the bridge button. Spock was standing next to him, rigid and tall with his hands behind his back.

 

“Captain,” Spock greeted him.

 

Jim gritted his teeth, wanting nothing more but to punch this Vulcan in the face. He took in a deep breath before he glanced at Spock and nodded. “Commander.”

 

Once the doors opened to the bridge, he walked out, relieving his substitute captain with a bright grin even though today, it was slightly dimmer. Spock walked up behind him before Jim sat down on his chair. “Status report?” he asked and the beta-shift crewmembers informed him that everything was fine.

 

Spock then stood near his chair, a PADD clutched on his hand. Jim crossed his legs before looking at Spock. The half-Vulcan gave him the PADD, his lips pressed firmly into a straight line. The blond-haired man steeled back the nerve to deck this Vulcan in the head with the said PADD and just grabbed it. “The recent reports for you to review, sir.”

 

“Very well,” he said as he looked through the reports and signed them off. He handed the PADD back to Spock, who in return took it and without another glance or even another word headed to his post. Jim felt the sharp pang hitting him heavily inside his heart at being dismissed so easily again.

 

He bawled up his fist, trying to calm down his emotions.

 

He needed to be professional now, shouldn’t he?

 

After a few minutes, the Alpha-shift crewmembers started to take over the bridge and they were off again. Jim was aware of the tense atmosphere this morning at the bridge. The captain tried his best to sound fine but Uhura’s words kept on coming back to him and by the end of the day, he was more than worn out.

 

***

 

Lunch break wasn’t even much fun or relaxing. He was restless at the bridge due to the fact that there wasn’t anything going on and from the sheer awkwardness between him and Spock. Bones simply stared at Jim for a few seconds before he shook his head and told him that he didn’t have time for some consolation and that Jim had a physical after shift tomorrow.

 

Jim like always, protested. He never liked physicals and if Bones was doing his physical, he was sure the hyposprays would make an appearance. Like always, his best friend simply snorted at him and was actually _amused_ to think that Jim even had the power to deny Bones’s orders.

 

The captain grumbled to himself by the time Bones left the mess hall, leaving Jim alone to go through his own PADD and finish his lunch. Glancing upwards from his PADD to the doors of the mess hall, he spotted Spock walking in. Despite his inner self protesting to ignore the Commander, his heart was following his moves.

 

For a moment, he thought Spock was going to walk to a new table, ignoring him again. But then, surprisingly, he walked towards him. Jim immediately looked back to his PADD, trying to make himself look busy. The tray of food was placed in front of him before the familiar deep voice spoke to him.

 

“May I sit here, Captain?”

 

Jim felt himself freeze as he looked at Spock. A few seconds ticked on before he nodded, looking down to his PADD once more. Spock sat in front of him, already picking up his spoon in a graceful manner and eating his— _soup_. Jim tried his best to look nonchalant.

 

He tried ignoring the half-Vulcan but after a few minutes, he ended up shutting his PADD off and placed it aside. He shifted in his seat a few times before he ate his food, occasionally glancing at Spock.

 

It was as awkward as two ex-lovers sitting together and eating could be.

 

The half-Vulcan however seemed undisturbed. He was eating his food as if this was his place. For a few seconds, Jim mourned at how indeed he looked so right just sitting in front of him. But then, he pushed away the thoughts realising that probably there wasn’t going to be a second chance between them.

 

What they had had long gone and died six years ago.

 

Jim bit his inner cheek, wondering if he should try and talk to Spock. He guessed he should. Wouldn’t it look weird if the Captain didn’t talk to his First Officer? But secretly, he just wanted a reason to be able to talk to Spock. He didn’t know almost anything about this man in front of him at the moment and it didn’t settle well for Jim.

 

“So,” Jim started. Spock tensed, his shoulder wound tight and his eyes boring into his soup. Jim cleared his throat before shoving the spoonful of rice into his mouth. He then looked at Spock, noting that the half-Vulcan had met his eyes. They were still as dark as he remembered and yet, they looked very unfamiliar. They were vacant, cold and Jim didn’t like that look on Spock. A sudden stab of guilt washed into him making him ask himself if this was what he did to Spock when he left him all those years ago. But the guilt turned into resignation when he remembered that it was for the best they separated.

 

Spock stared at him, taking him in detail and Jim wanted to squirm under the harsh gaze. After a minute, the half-Vulcan finally blinked and looked at his food. “Is there something you wanted to ask, Captain?”

 

Jim wanted to correct him, ask Spock to call him by his name like he used to but held himself back when he realised that it probably wasn’t appropriate at the moment. His voice was also quite distant and uninterested when he talked to Jim. The blond-haired man flinched at the thought of being the least fascinating person to the half-Vulcan at the moment.

 

He sighed to himself. “Nothing,” Jim said finally. It wasn’t as if he could ask how the half-Vulcan was doing after six years. It was too bitter for him to ask casually. Spock simply looked at him again before he blinked, his face neutral.

 

“Very well,” Spock said finally.

 

 _Very well?_ Jim questioned bitterly inside of him. After six years, didn’t it occur to him to at least ask Jim how he was? He almost laughed at how silly and _illogical_ that sounded. Spock must’ve thought that once they separated, it was illogical to try and reconnect to the said person as it would not hold any significance or advantage to any of the parties involved.

 

Jim guessed it was right but that doesn’t usually work that way.

 

It was such a lonely thought. Jim’s grip on his spoon tightened, feeling the familiar frustration working in his heart. Nobody ever got to him like this. It was only ever Spock who pushed every emotional barrier he ever placed in his heart. Even Carol didn’t make it as far as eliciting unexplainable feelings for her.

 

Awkward silence once again washed in between them as Jim slowly found him losing his appetite, _again_. This morning because of Uhura and now because of Spock. He chuckled dryly, wondering if those two thought it would be fun to make his life harder than this. Spock looked up at Jim blankly. “Is something the matter, Captain?”

 

It was so _robotic_. It was so _dull_. It didn’t sound like Spock at all and Jim refused to believe that this was how he was being treated at the moment. Jim slammed his spoon on the table and stood up, grabbing his PADD along the way. He wasn’t about to be tossed away that easily. He had his own feelings to take in consideration and he didn’t appreciate being pushed away just because they weren’t together anymore.

 

“I’ll be heading to the bridge, Commander,” Jim said icily before he walked away, dumping the tray at the tray disposer and marching out of the mess hall.  

 

 

***

 

Days went by and Jim was finally settling into the routine of being Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise. A new command came in shortly after two weeks since he started working and they were currently on their way to a new planet. Jim always thought that discovering new planets were fun. It was the sense of completion when you get to check the new planet out that Jim enjoyed these types of missions really much.

 

But that was beside the point.

 

The thing was the atmosphere on the bridge for these past few days had been tense and moody. Ever since that day with Spock talking to him after six years only to sound so decisive, Jim had taken the habit to ignore his First Officer, talking when merely work was related. After his shift, he would leave first or wait until the half-Vulcan left before striding out.

 

Jim knew he was acting childish. He knew that he wasn’t making the working environment any less suffocating. But he wasn’t Spock. He was a Human and even by his species standards, he was too emotional. He kept them contained, of course. He made sure his personal affair didn’t interfere his work.

 

But that didn’t mean nobody else could sense the friction in the air.

 

Spock didn’t hover around him instead, he would keep his eyes focused on his screen, only looking at Jim when there was any report or an order was given. Jim, on the other hand, didn’t turn around to look at the half-Vulcan either, simply ignoring that he ever had such a pointy-eared-bastard as his First Officer.

 

Their performance wasn’t bad. Jim noted that they still managed to get their missions done smoothly. It was just the irritation of getting ignored took a toll on him on more than one occasion. Also, it turned out that Spock never really saw eye-to-eye with any of his suggestions. Besides being cold and unapproachable, he was determined to make sure Jim knew how illogical and stupid his orders were.

 

Every time— _without fail_ —his orders were criticised and belittled. What was worse, Spock didn’t sound offensive to a superior officer at all. His words were constructed so perfectly that if he was anyone else, he would’ve thought the half-Vulcan didn’t mean any harm.

 

But that was it. Jim _knew_ Spock. He knew what his head was like, heck, he had _been_ in his head before. It was as if the half-Vulcan decided to make his life a living hell. If he suggested something, if it sounded even a slightly illogical, he would immediately cut Jim off, letting him know how stupid his actions were. He would make sure Jim felt the sting of his words as if there was some grudge in them.

 

And somehow, Jim couldn’t shake off the feeling that there _was_ grudge in them.

 

There were some trickles of doubt in his heart, asking himself if Spock was behaving this way because Jim left him that day. But when he saw how vacant and how uncaring those dark orbs aimed at him were, he forgone the idea immediately and frowned.

 

And if that particular day was too tense, he would quote out the fucking rulebook like Jim hadn’t been to the damn academy.

 

 _Unfortunately_ , today was one of those days.

 

They were preparing to beam down to the planet’s surface. They had talked directly to the ruler of the planet and they were invited for an exploration as long as they didn’t break any rules. Jim had bounced up from his chair on his feet, grinning widely once the main viewer went blank and the familiar landscape of the space reappeared.

 

“Alright, let’s prepare an away team,” Jim ordered as he looked around the bridge. “Besides me, Sulu, you’re in.”

 

“Aye’, Captain,” Sulu said as he stood up from his post.

 

“Spock, you too and we need Lieutenant Carly,” Jim rattled off, ticking off the people that could benefit from hand-to-hand contact on the planet. This planet actually fascinated Jim. It seemed to have rich cultural evidence in their civilisation and not to mention, they had a variety of flora that weren’t just familiar with Earth forests but almost seemed to have the same structure and purpose.

 

Jim knew Sulu liked botany besides his job, so this would benefit him. Spock as well since somewhere deep inside of him, he remembered that the half-Vulcan was very much infatuated with everything scientific and this could be his latest discovery or research. Even if he had started to get agitated with Spock nowadays, he couldn’t really remove the knowledge that he still knew things about him. Like this one, for an instance.

 

Besides, Lieutenant Carly would also be interested in the geological pattern of this planet. She was their best geologist on board to date. 

 

Just as he was about to give his chair to someone else, Spock stood up from his station and spoke up, cutting Jim’s thoughts along the way, “That is unadvisable, Captain.”

 

His cold and sharp voice had Jim staring at him for a minute, the bridge immediately quietening down and the atmosphere around them thickened.  

 

Jim raised his eyebrows at the half-Vulcan. “And why would that be unadvisable?”

 

“It is not in protocol for a captain and his First Officer to beam down together,” Spock said, his eyes were perfectly blank. “If your presence is not in importance, the First Officer should lead the away team. You are advised to sit back, sir.”

 

Jim’s jaw clinched tight. He recognised that tone. Despite his eyes were portraying the perfect nonchalance, Jim had been with this person for three years. He knew when he was being mocked and he knew when he was being praised.

 

He was being mocked.

 

“But this is a new planet we’re visiting,” Jim said trying to keep his cool. Suddenly, this Spock was much more infuriating that the man he knew six years ago. “I need to be there face-to-face with the leader. Besides, they aren’t hostile.”

 

“Not as we know of,” Spock said as he straightened himself. “However, it is still unadvisable to do as such. It is against protocol and thus if I shall have to enter my report with the orders, it would cause some doubts about your captaining.”

 

Jim narrowed his eyes and suddenly, the situation just got slightly tenser. “Spock,” he started. “Are you threatening me?”

 

Spock simply raised his eyebrows in a mocking manner. “Am I, Captain? I do not believe I have implied as such.”

 

“I’m going, Spock,” Jim hissed. “I’m the Captain. I know what I’m doing. You’re my First Officer. Your job is to protect me and advise me. If I don’t listen, it isn’t your obligation to threaten me for otherwise.” Suddenly, Jim felt the same ache washing into him again. There it was—the same emptiness every time he argued with Spock. It always left him hollow and disappointed.

 

Briefly, Jim thought bitterly that Spock hadn’t changed at all.

 

In fact, if anything, he was worse now and everything he did was in sole purpose to hurt him.

 

But Jim had six years to prepare for this. If Spock wanted to act hostile with him then fine. He would play this game too. He wasn’t known for being stubborn for nothing. He would make Spock regret ever agitating him. “Indeed,” Spock said, clipped. “It is my duty to protect the captain and thus, that is why I am advising you to sit back from this away mission, Captain. As First Officer, I am merely looking out for your safety.”

 

Jim bit his tongue back. He could practically hear the mock behind the words. “And like I said, Commander,” Jim said slowly, looking at Spock in the eyes sharply. “I know what I’m doing. I’ll be responsible if anything goes wrong, alright? Will this appease you?”

 

Something flashed in Spock’s eyes and Jim almost smiled in mock triumph at that. He didn’t know why but he felt pleased of himself realising that even after all these years, he could still elicit such emotional response albeit anger from Spock.

 

He briefly glanced at Uhura, noticing that she was staring at him from her station, her eyes sharp and narrowed. Maybe she was jealous, Jim muttered bitterly in his head before looking back to his First Officer. “Chekov, you have the conn.” With that, he walked away from Spock, beckoning Sulu and Carly to follow him.

 

Once he reached the transporter room, he smiled at Scotty and headed to the pad. Spock followed him, glancing at Scotty and nodding curtly at him before he stood next to Jim. “It is still unadvisable for you to lead the away team, Captain,” Spock said as he placed his hands behind his back. Jim shrugged his words off as he clicked onto his belt and placing a phaser in it just in case.

 

“We’ll see,” Jim muttered under his breath.

 

“Ready, Captain?” Scotty asked as he looked up from the controls.

 

“Beam us down, Scotty,” Jim said and Scotty nodded.

 

Within seconds, they had materialised on the planet’s surface.

 

***

 

The mission had gone smoothly just like Jim predicted.

 

But that didn’t mean Jim was happy.

 

No, he was pissed off at a certain pointy-eared idiot.

 

He grumbled to himself as he walked down the transporter pad, taking off his belt and handing it to an ensign nearby the door. “Report back to the bridge for the updates in the log and then shift’s over,” Jim hollered the order out over his shoulders and stormed off to the turbo lift.

 

He sighed heavily once the doors of the turbo lift closed and leaned against the cool walls. He was going to get a terrible headache if this was how things were going to be between Spock and him for the next few years. The blond-haired man shuddered slightly at the thought of having to deal with an annoying cold bastard like Spock on daily basis.

 

Once the doors opened, he walked into the bridge, heading to his chair as Chekov got up and walked back to his station. He keyed in his log before the rest of the away team members walked in. Sulu jogged to his station before he took his seat. “Bring us out of here, Sulu. Warp 6.”

 

Sulu nodded at his captain before doing as he said. “Warp 6. Course plotted, Captain.”

 

Nodding, he finally stood up and stretched a bit. He noticed Spock standing at his station, ignoring him as if he didn’t do anything wrong. He gritted his teeth as he walked out of there, heading to the one place where he could let his thoughts out without being judged.

 

***

 

“I don’t understand anymore, Bones!”

 

The said person was sitting at his desk, looking down on his PADD before signing it off and handing it over to Nurse Chapel. The nurse simply glanced at Jim before she gave him a wary smile and walked out. Bones stared at Jim, raising his eyebrows.

 

“Jim,” he started. “You just barged into my Sickbay yelling about the hobgoblin and infiltrated my working space. What if I had a patient right now that is more important than your teenage angst?”

 

Jim settled in his chair and grinned. “But you don’t.”

 

“And if I did?”

 

“But you don’t,” Jim protested.

 

“And if I did, kid?” Bones asked not backing down.

 

Jim leaned against the desk and placed his hands on it. With a smug smile, he said, “But you don’t.”

 

“Oh for the love of,” Bones grumbled under his breath as he leaned into his chair and rubbed his face. “What now?”

 

“He’s insulting me, Bones,” Jim said. “Indirectly.”

 

Bones simply dropped his hands to the armrest and continued on staring at Jim. After a while, when the blond-haired man wasn’t going to say anymore, he simply snorted. “Jim, he had always been annoying. You were just over your head to notice it back then. Your point being?”

 

“My point being,” Jim hissed. “Is that he humiliated me in front of the ambassador’s daughter.”

 

“Ah,” Bones said dryly.

 

“Bones!” Jim protested. “He fucking thinks I can’t do my job. He just prances around the place like he owns it and keeps shoving rules into my face like I hadn’t been to the academy. He acts like he doesn’t know me and he’s—he’s—god, he’s bloody annoying. How did I fall in love with such a guy?”

 

“Beats me,” Bones said and Jim glared at him. “You both act like two goddamn teenagers back then and you two act like one now.”

 

Jim furrowed his eyebrows at his best friend. “What does that mean? I’m trying to keep professional integrity here. He’s the one acting cold and uncooperative!”

 

“I’m not surprised, Jim,” Bones said slowly. “He’s a Vulcan.”

 

“Yeah, we established that already, Bones,” Jim said sarcastically.

 

Bones sighed before he sat properly. “Jim, the bridge crewmembers already thought you two had a war on going from the way you goddamn teenagers can’t talk without getting into a bloody fight,” he said.

 

Jim shuffled in his seat with a sigh. “Do you think,” Jim started, swallowing as he looked at his best friend in the eyes. “Do you think he acts that way because—because I left him?”

 

“Heck, could be, could be not,” Bones said. “But let me tell you something about that hobgoblin. I’ve seen him work on hand and he’s bloody cold and serious. He’s always work first, Jim. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day, he’d leave you dead one day if it would mean following the rulebooks a hundred percent.”

 

Jim looked away, working his inner cheek. “That doesn’t sound like Spock, Bones.”

 

“Is it?” Bones challenged.

 

Jim looked back at Bones in the eyes and he wanted to say no, it wasn’t Spock but he realised then he didn’t know. The person he fell in love with wasn’t this Spock. This Vulcan wasn’t acting like how Jim used to know him of. He knew that six years would change a lot about a person but wasn’t this slightly too drastic?

 

He ran his fingers through his hair and shrugged. “I honestly don’t know anymore.”

 

***

 

There was still zero communication between Jim and Spock.

 

After that mission two weeks ago, Jim decided that this needed to end. He needed some professional integrity with Spock even if they didn’t end their liaison last time in a good manner. But Spock wasn’t giving the time of his day. Every time Jim was about to ask him about anything or something, he was shot down with a cold gaze or the uninterested response of ‘Is something the matter, Captain?’

 

The bridge crewmembers always tiptoed around them—especially when Jim kept on getting criticised by Spock. That part didn’t relent either even after the mission. In fact, it got worse and Jim would sometimes end up losing his cool. And when he did so, he thought he would see a smug look on the half-Vulcan’s face.

 

It really irked Jim from inside.

 

Jim tried to talk to Spock, he did. But there must be a two-way communication for this to work and right now, Spock wanted nothing to do with him. It was as if he wanted to make his life a living hell and drive him insane.

 

“Captain—”

 

“No, Spock,” Jim gritted his teeth as he glared at the half-Vulcan. “Just no.”

 

“It is still my duty to ensure that you are taking the logical course of actions to avoid—”

 

“I know what I’m doing!” Jim finally yelled, shocking everyone including the half-Vulcan into silence at the bridge. He groaned internally at the reaction and took a step back, rubbing his face and sighed.

 

This time, their mission was to investigate the disturbance at one of Federation’s mining colony on Delta V. Jim had devised a plan to ensure that they investigate and identify the source of disturbance in peace. Of course, he wanted to join in as usual. He knew the protocols but that didn’t mean he should follow them thoroughly.

 

To Jim, they were guidelines. Besides, he wasn’t helpless, he knew how to defend himself. But Spock, today, decided he needed to be exceptionally cold. He was dragging out every rule known to mankind and cadets into the open and Jim felt so incompetent at the moment.

 

“I,” Jim started as he looked at the half-Vulcan. He thinned his lips before he looked away. “I know what I’m doing. We’ll prepare the away team according to your layout but I’m following. You have the conn.”

 

With that, he walked away from the bridge. He felt the eyes of his crewmembers at the back of his head. But that wasn’t what bothered him at the moment. It was the way Spock had managed to elicit such negative responses from him that took him off guard. Jim slumped against the turbo lift walls, heading to his quarters to just forget about this.

 

They would be arriving to Delta V in another two more days. They were discussing who were to follow the away team and what they were supposed to do before Spock took in the chance to insult him in front of everyone. Jim knew he could sue Spock for being rude to a superior officer. He knew he could and he damn well should.

 

But he just didn’t want to.

 

He didn’t want to admit saying that he couldn’t work with his once ex-lover. He didn’t want to give the satisfaction to the half-Vulcan or Uhura that he couldn’t even separate his private life and his work life. He knew he could do it, he just didn’t know how at the moment. They hadn’t even had the chance to talk properly since he had joined the crew.

 

Maybe that was why this partnership wasn’t working out.

 

Before the doors of the turbo lift closed, Spock slipped in, standing next to him, his hands behind his back and shoulders squared. Jim ignored him and pressed onto the floor number. He crossed his arms against his chest and looked ahead. Silence filled in between them as the doors to the lift hissed open, Jim walking out with long purposeful strides with Spock following.

 

After a few steps, he finally stopped and turned around, glaring at the half-Vulcan. Spock stopped as well, looking at Jim in the eyes. “What?” Jim demanded. “What _more_ could you possible _want_?”

 

Spock didn’t even flinch at the harsh tone. He simply said, “Captain, I am still unsure of your course of actions for the Delta V mission. It is in everyone’s advantage if you stayed behind the ship. You are the captain. You are needed here on board.”

 

Oh for the love of.

 

Jim’s lips thinned and he dropped his hands to his sides. “I see,” Jim said as he took a heavy step forward. “Do you know what I think, Spock? I think you’re bloody enjoying this.”

 

“Vulcans do not enjoy,” Spock said immediately.

 

“Yeah? Well then I’m talking about the human side of you,” he hissed. Spock’s eyes flashed danger, his jaw clinching tight and his shoulders wound tenser. “You enjoy this, don’t you? I’m trying to act civil with you, Spock. But you’re not giving me much room to budge.”

 

“I do not know what you mean, Captain,” Spock said. “I am merely carrying out my duty as First Officer.”

 

“Yeah and by criticising me at every opportunity you get!” Jim exclaimed before he took a step back. After searching Spock’s face, he finally frowned. “Is this about what happened six years ago?”

 

Immediately Spock dropped his hands to his side. “Captain,” he said and there was some note of warning in his voice.

 

“No, really,” Jim said. “Is it? Is that why you’re being so spiteful? Old ex-lover hate thing?”

 

Spock’s eyes narrowed on him. “Captain, let me make this clear for future references,” Spock said deadly cold. “Whatever liaison we had prior Enterprise has ended and thus it does not matter to me any longer. It does not cloud my judgement neither will there be any exceptions for your rash and illogical behaviour. I am merely doing what I was trained to do. I hope you will do the same and not bring unimportant facts into this matter. It is not relevant and unbecoming of a captain.”

 

Jim felt like someone had slapped him across his face. He flinched at the sharp tone, feeling the way his heart was being shredded to pieces. “Okay,” Jim said as he bit his inner cheek, anger flaring inside of him. “Fine. Our past liaison be damned. So, this makes it clearer to me then. Don’t go stepping your boundaries ever again, Spock. Advising and mocking are two different things. And since I’m not acting like a proper captain, let me remedy this. Mock me one more time like that ever again and I’ll haul your ass to court.”

 

With that, he turned around and walked away to his quarters, not bothering to look at Spock. Once the doors to his quarters slid closed with a silent hiss, Jim let his whole body to slump against it. His mind was clouding and the sudden pain flared through his body, causing him to crumple on the floor. He took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down but it wasn’t working.

 

It was true after all.

 

Spock didn’t care about him.

 

He wasn’t important— _never_ was important to him.

 

He didn’t know when things got so bitter between them but it did. Jim didn’t like this feeling inside of him. He had thought maybe indeed he could do this. It had been six years after all but who was he kidding? He never felt so alive whenever he was with Spock.

 

And he had never felt so broken when Spock treated him like this.

 

He took in a deep breath and leaned the back of his head against the door and laughed bitterly.

 

***

 

“I heard about what happened at the bridge,” Bones said as he entered Jim’s quarters. The blond-haired man simply stood up from his desk and rubbed the back of his neck. He headed to the replicator and replicated himself a mug of Earl Grey. He grabbed the mug and sighed, realising that he no longer drank Vulcan Spice Tea ever since that day. Huh, well, who knew he would let it go?

 

He glanced at Bones and shrugged. “So?”

 

“So?” Bones asked as he walked to the replicator and replicated something to drink as well. He sipped onto the drink and leaned against the wall, watching Jim. “They never saw such a dramatic argument before.”

 

“Well, the award goes to Spock, for being an ass as usual,” Jim muttered bitterly. “I don’t fucking understand him, Bones. He—Fuck him. He’s the _worst_ person I ever worked with!”

 

Bones’s eyebrows climbed his forehead. Jim sighed harshly. He didn’t know where he went wrong. “Huh, never thought I’d hear you say that,” Bones muttered under his breath as he sipped his drink. “What did the hobgoblin do now?”

 

“He,” Jim started before he slumped his shoulder forward in defeat. “He said he doesn’t care, Bones. He—he never cared about me, about us. I know, I know it’s been six years but nobody—nobody Bones, not even Carol, came close to making me feel like I did with him and he said he _doesn’t_ care. He said I’m being unprofessional and whatever that we had meant nothing to him now. I—How in—he, I don’t even know, Goddamnit.”

 

Bones remained quiet before he grumbled. “You two need to solve this, Jim. Either you fix this or one of you leaves.”

 

Jim looked at Bones at the sudden words. “Leave?”

 

“Leave,” Bones said confirming. “Goddamnit, kid, this isn’t some playground where if you like a girl you pull her pretty ponytails. This is a working Federation ship and you’re the Captain and he’s your First Officer. Either you work this out or one of you leave. One of these days, you both are going to get killed because of this stupid petty war.”

 

Jim thinned his lips before he looked away, pondering in his mind “I tried to get into some professional collaboration with him, you know. I didn’t want to let these things slide far but he wouldn’t let me in.”

 

“And you’re giving up?” Bones asked.

 

“I’m tired, Bones,” Jim said slightly annoyed. “I’m tired from trying to figure him out. Whatever he’s saying sounds like some bloody Morse’s Code and I just—”

 

Jim took in a deep breath before he sipped the tea, looking at Bones again in the eyes. He knew his best friend was right somehow. “I’ll—Okay.”

 

“Just talk logical with him,” Bones suggested. “As much as it pains me to say this, he’s professional. Work first, emotions—never. He’ll understand.”

 

Jim couldn’t help but to smirk at him. “Is that just another way for you to call him a heartless elf?”

 

“Sue me,” Bones said mockingly as he quickly took a sip of the drink.

 

Jim looked away from his best friend to his mug, wondering if Spock really would listen. He had tried once and it was met with resistance. It seemed like their non-existent working relationship was beginning to stretch thin. And Jim had just started being the captain to his beloved ship less than a month.

 

He guessed he irked the half-Vulcan very much.

 

He knew he sure irked Uhura, with her glares and scornful gazes.

 

Damnit, he didn’t sign up for this when he decided to captain the U.S.S Enterprise. He needed to solve this. Would he ever at least get along with his ex-lover? Somehow, that seemed like an impossible feat at the moment, maybe ever. He simply hoped that he would at least get a comfortable working environment.

 

Bones was right.

 

This wasn’t the place for them to play poker with their feelings. He was frustrated with the Vulcan and he knew that Spock certainly had a strong dislike on him too. It felt humorous honestly when he started to revaluate their non-existent relationship.

 

They were so in love back then and now, they seemed to almost hate each other.

 

Life was such a cruel place to be, especially for the Kirks.

 

***

 

Two days had passed and things got slightly weirder. Ever since Jim—shamefully as he now realised—threatened Spock about his almost every day chastising regarding his orders, the half-Vulcan seemed to have gone monotonous. He wouldn’t suggest anything or defy Jim’s suggestion, merely agreeing with a nod or a ‘very well’ thrown in there somewhere.  

 

The atmosphere around the bridge was much tenser than before as well.

 

He knew that he should resolve this immediately but Spock looked so unapproachable. Uhura had even started giving him the ‘This-is-getting-ridiculous-even-for-you-Jim’ look. He wanted to talk to Spock, ask him if they could at least try and cooperate even if he hated him now.

 

That really didn’t settle well for Jim, the idea of Spock hating him.

 

But then again, there really was no changing time.

 

So, when they were briefing the mission one last time at the briefing room, everyone had agreed to his plans. Chekov started looking at Spock, wondering when the First Officer was going to object. Strangely, he didn’t. He simply stared at the Captain and nodded his consent.

 

Jim shuffled on his feet feeling uncomfortable with the way Spock was acting so nonchalant. He knew he told Spock off about his behaviour but he didn’t ask the Vulcan to stop all together. Just tone it down and make it sound like an actual advice instead of a mock. So, when everyone left, he finally took in a deep breath and called him out. “Spock, if you could spare a minute please.”

 

Spock stopped at the entrance, lingering there a few seconds before he turned around, his hands behind his back. He raised his eyebrows in a questioning manner and Jim cleared his throat, standing straight facing him. “You don’t have any suggestions you wanted to add into this briefing?”

 

The half-Vulcan stared at Jim for a second before he said, “I do not. I believe you have arranged everything as you see fit. My expertise on this matter is not needed. If you’ll excuse me, Captain.”

 

“Spock—”

 

But before Jim could stop him, he had turned around and walked out of the room, leaving a dumbfounded Jim. The blond-haired man tried to analyse what he had just heard. The words sounded awfully like someone who was sulking. Jim couldn’t help but to smile confused at that thought.

 

Spock _sulking_?

 

Now _that_ was a sight.

 

He knew he was harsh two days ago but that was because he was hurt. He didn’t think Spock was capable of sulking. Jim pushed away the thoughts from his mind, heading out to the transporter room. Once he was there, he grabbed onto the phaser and got on the transporter pad. Spock followed with a few security officers and two geologists.

 

Jim glanced at Spock. The half-Vulcan simply nodded at Scotty, ignoring Jim. The captain just rolled his eyes internally before giving Scotty the thumbs up. “Beam us down, Scotty.”

 

The engineer glanced at Jim and Spock before he cleared his throat. “Aye’, Captain.” With that, they were materialised on the planet’s surface. Jim waited for a few seconds after materialising to get rid of the slight buzzing before he looked around at the place.

 

“This way,” Ensign Kyle said as he pointed ahead.

 

“Lead the way,” Jim said as they walked forward, Spock walking next to him.

 

He grabbed his tricorder out and started scanning the place, wondering what it was that was disturbing the mines. “No signs of life so far,” Jim muttered as Spock nodded next to him, his recordings showing the same signs.

 

It took them twenty minutes before they entered the mining village. It turned out they had some disturbance in the mines ten minutes from here. A few of their people were found dead and it was terrifying the other workers down there. Jim frowned as he decided to head to the site, trying to get some details on this case.

 

What they didn’t expect was to get attacked the minute they were spotted near the mining entrance. “Ah, Goddamnit,” Jim cursed as he immediately found protection from bulky trees nearby.

 

“Captain, what’s going on down there?” Sulu’s voice came through the comm.

 

“We’re being attacked,” Jim said before he started hearing the sounds of phasers being shot. He took out his own phaser and set it stun when one of the attackers approached him. Stunning him, he tried to find a better place to protect himself when he found Spock, crouching behind a large stone and shooting one of the attackers down. He joined him afterwards, crouching down next to him and shooting the other side.

 

“Status?” he asked as Spock glanced at him.

 

“It is as we see,” he said curtly, seemed to have been annoyed with the question. Jim huffed out before he shot another one of the attackers.

 

“I mean,” Jim said as he looked at Spock. “Is it a rogue attack?”

 

Spock immediately ducked behind the rock when another phaser shot was aimed at him. He looked at Jim and thinned his lips, his grip on the phaser tight. “It seems so.”

 

“Assume,” Jim said as he spotted another one of the attacker trying to shoot Lieutenant Harold. Stunning him, he didn’t see another gun was being aimed at him. A strong hand wrapped on his shoulder and tugged him backwards behind the rock before Spock shot the person.

 

Crouching behind again, he let Jim go and stared at him. “Captain, I believe it is a rogue attack or maybe if we must conclude the worst, an anti-Federation group,” Spock said quickly. “Also, it would be wise if you were to beam up now.”

 

“Excuse me?” Jim asked Spock, frowning. “And leave my crew to fight alone?”

 

“It would hardly be alone, Captain,” Spock said, his eyes flashing dangerously. “It is as I said, it is unwise for you to have joined this away team in the first place. Do not make this difficult and beam back on board the ship.”

 

Jim felt the twinge of annoyance in his heart as he scowled. “I know what I’m doing,” he said before he looked out cautiously. With the confidence that the surrounding was clear at the moment, he immediately ran out and hid behind a huge tree.

 

“Captain!” Spock said, his eyebrows furrowing deep.

 

“Just focus on stunning them, Spock,” Jim said to him before he started shooting again. “Fuck it, why the hell are there so many of you?”

 

Just then, one of the attackers had managed to catch Jim off guard, wrapping his arm around his neck and bringing him into a headlock while Jim was busy trying to keep the enemy from wandering close to him on his right. Startled, Jim accidentally dropped his phaser. “You Federation rats,” the voice said gruffly.

 

Jim grabbed onto his arm, trying to twist away from the headlock when Spock appeared. The Vulcan pinched the man while he was busy with the blond-haired man. Once the man dropped onto the ground limply, Jim immediately grabbed back his phaser and stood up, rubbing his neck and tried to take in deep breaths.

 

“Captain,” Spock said hurriedly as he grabbed onto Jim’s right arm and dragged him close. Jim blinked away the light fuzziness before he looked at Spock. Right there, the captain saw the worry etched in Spock’s eyes. His dark orbs were finally familiar to Jim. “Captain, are you alright?”

 

“Fine,” Jim rasped out, coughing a bit to get his vocal chords working. Damn, that man’s grip was strong. “Fuck, that hurts.”

 

“Commander, Captain!” Lieutenant Harold called out. Jim immediately looked at him and noticed two men charging up to them with something sharp on their hands. Fumbling onto the phaser and Spock tightening his grip onto Jim’s arm, it was an impossible feat.

 

“Captain,” Spock said as he pulled Jim away from the attack. “We must beam up now.”

 

“Scotty?” Jim said through the comm. Checking his comm, he groaned out loud. No signal. “Explains why we haven’t beamed up yet,” Jim mused on dryly as he tried shaking the half-Vulcan away and get safe. Spock, however, continued to drag him until they were behind the rock again. Shoving him to the ground, Spock immediately stood next to him and fired his phaser. “Spock!”

 

“Stay down, Captain,” Spock said. “You are hurt. You need medical attention.”

 

“I do not,” Jim said as he stood up, already hoping that this would end. Spock however simply glanced at him and grabbed onto his arm, dragging him down to the floor.

 

“Captain,” Spock said sternly, his eyes flashing dangerously.

 

“Commander!” a voice shouted from behind them. “In front of you!”

 

Both heads whipped at where the voice was pointing and found a large phaser being aimed at them. _Shit_ , Jim thought. They were too distracted to notice someone had brought the big guns out. Before the man could fire, the familiar feeling of being materialised vibrated through his body and the next thing he knew, he was at the transporter pad with Spock crouching down in front of him and his hand tight on his elbow.

 

“You fucking idiots!” Bones exclaimed as he hurried to the pad with his tricorder. Spock let Jim go immediately, standing up.

 

“The captain was involved in a headlock. I believe his oesophagus had retained some damage,” Spock explained as Jim tried to protest. Bones simply rubbed his face, grabbing Jim by the arm and hauling him gently on his feet.

 

“Sickbay, now,” Bones said as he looked at all the away team members including Spock.

 

“I will join you shortly,” Spock said quickly, heading out of the room to the bridge. “I am unharmed at the present and am not your first priority.”

 

Jim grimaced at the soreness around his throat. He glared at the disappearing blue back. Bones then dragged him to Sickbay and Jim was already mentally sighing at the lecture he was about to get.

 

He knew Bones was monitoring their health status through the medical screens. And he was sure he would have heard most of the commotion going on down there.

 

***

 

“You bloody idiots!”

 

“Bones.”

 

“No, shut the fuck up, Jim,” Bones said as he finally took a step back from the Bio bed. “What the hell happened down there?”

 

“There were too many of them,” Jim said. “It was definitely an anti-Federation group attack. I heard one of them calling us the ‘Federation rats’.”

 

“Was that when you were getting your throat crushed?” Bones asked dryly. Jim simply sighed and rubbed his now no longer sore neck. “What really happened, Jim?”

 

“What?”

 

“Down there,” Bones said. “What happened?”

 

“I told you—”

 

“Like hell you did!” Bones exclaimed, his eyebrows furrowing deep and his lips thinned. “I thought I told you two to get your acts together. I told you if there is no cooperation between a Captain and his First Officer, both of you will end up dead. Now, I might not know much about this captaining stuff but I do know you need teamwork to handle things, Jim.”

 

Jim looked away, shame and guilt washed into his mind.

 

They had been bickering non-stop down there and the result was a close encounter with death. That was unprofessional of him and it was certainly not going to look on his image if he kept this up. But then he recalled the flash of worry in Spock’s eyes. The protectiveness he showcased just a few minutes ago. It was—it was like Jim was seeing the old Spock.

 

It made him felt good.

 

It made him think that maybe, whatever it was between them all this while was indeed about what happened six years ago. And now, they were letting their personal affairs get into their work. If it was anything Jim learned, personal didn’t go well with work.

 

He knew Spock felt it too. He knew that the half-Vulcan had given up his pretence already from the transporter room. “You’re right,” Jim said as he got out of the Bio bed. “I’m going to solve this now.”

 

Bones nodded at him as he frowned. “You better. You both need each other.”

 

Jim looked at Bones before sighing again. Nodding, he waved at Bones and walked out of Sickbay to search for Spock.

 

***

 

“Captain,” Uhura said as she spotted him in the turbo lift. She quickly looked at him, examining him before she sighed in what seemed like relief. “Are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine,” Jim said as he unconsciously rubbed his neck. He glanced at her, wondering if she still wanted to be hostile with him. Before Jim could say anything, she stopped the turbo lift and turned to face him completely. “Uhura—”

 

“Permission to speak freely, Captain?” she asked. Jim took a step back, wondering what type of backlash he was about to receive now. He looked at her properly, looking into her eyes to identify if this was one of her threats. But strangely, he only saw worry and slight disappointment in her eyes. He finally nodded, giving her consent. She smiled a bit before she took in a deep breath.

 

“Spock’s acting like an idiot.”

 

Jim blinked, letting the words to settle in his mind.

 

“Uhm,” he said slowly. “I’m sorry, what?”

 

“He’s acting like an idiot and you are too,” she said exasperated. “You both almost died out there!”

 

“I know,” Jim said as he rubbed his face. “I know, Uhura. That’s why I’m going to find him and talk to him, alright?”

 

She took a step forward, giving him a wary smile. “I’m sorry,” she finally said, catching Jim off guard again. “I’m sorry for the things I’ve said at the mess hall. You’re right. It’s—It’s none of my business and I shouldn’t have said that. But Jim, he’s—”

 

But she didn’t continue. Jim waited for her to continue but after a while, it was clear she wasn’t going to. “He’s what, Uhura?” Jim asked slowly, wondering if this was about what he thought it was. She shook her head before she took a step back.

 

“This needs to stop,” she said firmly. “You both need to work whatever problem you have now. Solve it because your professionalism is on the line. I need a capable captain, Jim and I need a logical First Officer to work with.”

 

She then placed a hand on his right shoulder and squeezed it. “I know you two can be the best command team Starfleet had ever witnessed if you just get past this.”

 

Jim was momentarily confused at her words. Get past what? Jim knew that they had some problems between them but it seemed like she knew what the specific problem was and she didn’t want to tell him about it. She noticed the look on Jim’s face and sighed. “That’s for you two to figure out.” With that, she let her hand drop and pressed onto the start button.

 

Once the turbo lift doors opened, she walked out, leaving Jim inside and wondering if maybe—Spock had felt what he felt that day too. He exhaled as he leaned his whole body against the walls of the turbo lift. Could it be possible that Spock did kept the grudge of Jim leaving him all these years?

 

Maybe he moved on like Jim did but when they saw each other again—something in between them relived. It was possible because Jim knew something in him bloomed again when he saw Spock after all these years.

 

Was it possible that Spock had actually cared about him and what he said two days ago was just some defence mechanism talking?

 

He felt hopeful, he didn’t know why he was hopeful though.

 

Groaning, he said, “Computer, locate Commander Spock.”

 

“Commander Spock is currently at Observation Deck 3.”

 

He needed to talk to him now.

 

***

 

Jim walked into Observation Deck 3, the doors slid closed with a silent hiss behind him. He didn’t have to look around much when he spotted Spock standing nearby the windows, staring out to the open space with his hands behind his back and concentration marking his face.

 

The blond-haired man lingered behind him for a few seconds before he took in a deep breath. He, then, walked to Spock, standing next to him before looking outside of the window as well. Silence washed in between them for a while before Jim cleared his throat, catching Spock’s attention.

 

“Is something the matter, Captain?” Spock asked, his eyes still plastered to the scenery.

 

Jim bit his inner cheek before running his fingers through his blond hair. “Spock,” Jim said as he turned to face the half-Vulcan. “We need to talk.”

 

Spock’s shoulders squared and Jim could see the tension building in them. After a second, Spock turned to face Jim, nodding. “Indeed,” he said. “It seems we must.”

 

“What’s happening to us?” Jim asked finally, looking into Spock’s eyes. “I mean, Spock, we have to act civil with each other if we’re going to work. We can’t act like babies and get ourselves killed.”

 

Spock dropped his hands to his side. “I believe,” Spock said. “You are correct.”

 

Jim took a step back, nodding at the words. “So,” Jim said. “Tell me. As your captain, if you must, don’t you like working with me? Do you want a transfer? What do you need so that we can work together without any friction? Do we need to resolve whatever grudge we have left? What?”

 

Spock stood straighter, his eyes were now boring into the blue ones. Seconds passed with nothing being said before Spock opened his mouth, “I,” Spock started. “I apologise, Captain for my behaviour for these past three point nine weeks. They were indeed unacceptable and uncanny for a First Officer. You are entitled to report me for superior abuse if you must. I would understand.”

 

Jim swished his right hand in the air, flicking his words off dismissively. “You really agitated me, Spock. But—you were right at some point. You always had a point. I’m sorry too, Spock if I—I was too cocky or too—I don’t know. It just seems to make you hate me and I—”

 

“I do not hate you, Captain,” Spock cut him off immediately.

 

“You don’t?” Jim asked sceptically. “I thought you did. I mean—I get it, I think.”

 

“I do not hate you,” Spock repeated. “I believe the appropriate term would be ‘uneasy’ with your presence but it seems now it is no longer a problem. You are a good captain and I am honoured to be your First Officer. It is my duty to keep you safe from harm and I have almost failed you at this moment. My personal affairs on our ending liaison had indeed clouded my judgement on you, thus making it hard on you. I apologise.”

 

“Well, we both got wrong on ourselves, Spock,” Jim said. “I failed to become the captain the ship needed because I wanted to argue with you. God, look at us. We’re both acting like a bunch of teenagers. Bones’s right. We’re doomed for immaturity when we’re together, aren’t we?”

 

Just then, Jim saw it. Spock’s lips twitched upwards and Jim knew he saw it. Something in him jumped slightly at the sudden appearance of Spock’s amusement. It had been so long since he had seen that little quirk at the end of his lips. Jim at the end smiled. “It seems from now on, we should be more professional despite of our past.”

 

The blond-haired man looked away, rubbing the back of his neck as he nodded. He knew it now that being friends with the person he used to love was going to be an impossible feat, so he settled for whatever that Spock wanted to give him. And if the professionalism was what he wanted, then Jim would gladly take it.

 

“Yeah,” Jim said as he looked at Spock in the eyes. He thought he saw the same scars he was holding in his heart at the moment. Spock however nodded before he looked at the door.

 

“If you’d excuse me, Captain, I would like to head back to my quarters,” he said and Jim nodded.

 

“Yeah, okay.”

 

With that, he watched Spock walk away.

 

***

 

Things were much better now after the talk. Sure, Spock still didn’t talk to him after work. There was still no communication after work but the communications they did have during work provided Jim with easiness. The crewmembers started to witness the fluid dynamic between their Captain and his First Officer and Jim couldn’t help but to think that this was how it ought to be.

 

Three months had gone by and Jim finally settled into being professionally acquainted with Spock. The half-Vulcan no longer chastised him harshly even though he gave the disapproving glares whenever Jim bent the rules a bit. And if he had some objections, he let Jim know without sounding as if he wanted to murder the blond-haired man right where he stood.

 

Jim took it all in. He was beginning to see the real professional side of Spock and he was actually amazed at how dedicated Spock was in his work. Uhura slowly relaxed with the dynamic motion and was now better acquainted with Jim. She would still talk about Spock even if Jim didn’t ask about him and told him about the things he recently liked.

 

Jim didn’t know what she was trying to do. She didn’t seem like she was showing off the fact that she knew Spock better, instead, she was sharing them with Jim. The Captain simply would acknowledge at first but slowly, he began to get interested in these things that Spock liked. He was soon anticipating what else Uhura knew about Spock.

 

Their missions ran smoothly and there never was a repeat of what happened in Delta V so far. Spock got his back and he got Spock’s. They were indestructible and it was nice to know that they got along well. However, once the shift was over, once there was no more reason to talk to each other, Spock would slink away and disappear.

 

At the first few weeks, Jim knew that being friends with Spock was not going to happen. But then he suddenly started to catch the familiar quirks of the half-Vulcan every time they talked and he soon found himself wondering if it was really impossible to get a little bit closer to him again after all.

 

He knew Spock wouldn’t let him. Jim shouldn’t try either but something deep inside of him wanted to try his luck with Spock again, this time as a friend at least. But Jim was too scared to approach him, too scared to ask him because he didn’t want their fragile connection to break apart from one request.

 

It would seem to be asking too much so Jim hid away the need to go after Spock and ask him to join him for lunch at the mess hall—or ask him if he still played chess.

 

“So, you and the hobgoblin,” Bones said as he ate his lunch, sitting in front of Jim in the mess hall.

 

“Yeah?” Jim questioned as he drank his chicken soup, grimacing at the floating vegetables inside of it. Bones had successfully tied Jim up with a diet. He really hated vegetables. He sighed as he looked at the doctor and pointed to his bowl. “Really?”

 

“Really,” Bones said matter-of-factly, closing the discussion. “Anyway, you and the pointed-ear-elf seemed to be getting along fine nowadays. The crewmembers are gossiping about you two.”

 

Jim smirked at Bones. “You’re the queen of all gossips, aren’t you, Bones?”

 

Bones scowled at Jim. “Jim,” Bones started. “That is not the answer to my question.”

 

Jim chuckled before he sighed and drank his soup before shrugging. “I guess,” he said slowly, swishing the soup with his spoon, making circles into the bowl. “I mean, yeah. He’s—he’s fascinating when he works.”

 

Bones stared at him for a few seconds before he sighed as well. “Jim, no.”

 

“What?” Jim asked as he looked back at his friend. Bones simply levelled his stare at him. “Seriously, what?”

 

“You tried it once and it didn’t work,” Bones said firmly. “Forget about it and just stick to professionalism.”

 

Jim knew that he couldn’t hide this from Bones. His best friend was more perceptive than a telepath. He knew what Jim was thinking even before he could say it. Sometimes, it was slightly unravelling and it always made Jim felt as if he was naked. God, that was a wrong mental image. He shook the thoughts of and placed his spoon at the edge of the bowl.

 

“I know,” Jim said. “But we can’t even be friends? I know what happened six years ago was—horrible. But, it’s just that. It’s been six years ago. And we’re going to be working more than two years together. We have to form some kind of out-of-work relationship.”

 

“Honestly, Jim,” Bones said. “I thought you moved on.”

 

“I did!” Jim protested. “I just, I thought friendship should be good.”

 

Bones kept quiet, his eyes taking in Jim’s face. “Bad idea,” he said finally. “What if you still had feelings for him, Jim? What then? What if friendship isn’t what you want anymore?”

 

“What?” Jim asked. “That’s ridiculous! Of course I don’t have any lingering feelings for him! It’s been six years, Bones.”

 

“It’s been six years of unresolved misunderstandings,” Bones said with a pointed gaze. “There is bound to be some feelings left inside. Whether it’s going to turn platonic or romantic, only time will tell. But I’m telling you, Jim. He’s a bloody Vulcan. One way or the other, the fact still remains that they don’t know Human emotions well enough.”

 

Jim worked his inner cheek, looking away from Bones to his soup. He guessed there was still some unresolved misunderstanding between them from six years ago. But right now, it seemed quite irrelevant. They had matured a bit from the last time they met. Jim knew he fell out of love for Spock already. He had ended up with Carol and he really did like her.

 

There were no more lingering feelings for Spock left inside of him.

 

But somehow, he couldn’t convince himself to say it as such.

 

Recently, he did feel some kind of something for Spock. He wasn’t sure what it was though. He shook those thoughts off and continued drinking his soup, the conversation dropped and Bones didn’t bother to pick it back up.

 

***

 

It was a week later when something between them changed. Alpha shift was over and Jim had decided to just relax in the Rec room. He knew he could just hang out with Sulu or Chekov, maybe even with Uhura but somehow, today, he wanted to relax on his own.

 

He ended up with the tri-D chess in front of him. He played against himself. It was boring, he concluded when he outsmarted the pieces again. He knew he was still rusty with the game. It had been quite a while since the last time he played chess.

 

He just didn’t have the time. His work came first and rarely did he have the leisure for chess. The Rec room wasn’t crowded. In fact, it could be said that the room was quite empty despite himself and a few people scattered around. He guessed it made sense since it was nearing eleven at night Standard Time.

 

Just as he was about to knock off the knight from the board, someone stood in front of him. He looked up and froze when he saw Spock. The half-Vulcan looked at the board before he looked at Jim. The blond-haired man could literally see the curiosity forming in Spock’s eyes. “Hi,” Jim said finally, sitting up straight.

 

Spock nodded at him. “Evening, Captain.”

 

Jim still didn’t like himself being addressed so formally. This was going to be his home for the next few years now. He wanted to ask Spock to call him Jim again but once again, the doubt that that request might be stretching the boundaries thin stopped him. “You can sit down, you know,” Jim said after a while.

 

“I do not wish to disturb you, Captain,” Spock said as he had his hands behind his back. Jim simply rolled his eyes before pointing to the seat opposite of him.

 

“You’re not,” Jim said. Spock hesitated for a few seconds before he sat down in front of him. He then looked at the tri-D chess, lifting his eyebrows once he saw the pieces. Jim noticed the spark of challenge in those eyes however, no invitation for a game was extended out to him.

 

The blond-haired man remembered how much Spock enjoyed the game of chess. It was a game his human mother taught him when he was young. Jim wondered for a moment if Spock wanted to play with him. If he were to ask Spock to join him for a game of chess, would he do it?

 

Jim fidgeted in his seat, debating on the question while the silence between them rang on. After a while, Jim finally repositioned all the chess pieces to the start and caught Spock’s eyes. “Do you want to play a game with me?”

 

Spock looked back to the chessboard and Jim thought he was going to deny. “Very well,” Spock said and Jim had to blink a few times to get the acceptance settled in his mind. Something light made way into his heart as he nodded, a grin breaking out on his face.

 

With that, they started playing chess. Jim was rusty, maybe slightly off his original playing but Spock seemed as good as he once was. Jim lost the first round and Spock had that triumphed look on his face. Jim huffed out before he leaned into his seat. “I wasn’t prepared, that’s all,” Jim said and Spock had the nerve to raise his eyebrows in a sceptical manner.

 

“I believe so, Captain,” he said and Jim couldn’t help but to chuckle at the intended sarcasm.

 

“Vulcans don’t have sass, my ass,” Jim muttered under his breath. Spock simply quirked his lips upwards in amusement. “One more time.”

 

“Very well,” Spock said and they started playing the second round. This time, Jim won and the captain crossed his arms against his chest and grinned. Spock simply stared at the chessboard before he looked at Jim.

 

“I told you I’ll win,” Jim said. Spock seemed to contemplate his moves before he nodded.

 

“Your way of playing is still illogical, I see,” Spock said.

 

“Aww, don’t be such a sore loser, Spock,” Jim said with a cheeky grin.

 

“I believe the appropriate term would be ‘I will beat you next time’,” Spock said dryly. Jim ended up laughing, feeling the lightness in his heart growing brighter. Soon, he felt nostalgic and somehow right. This was how they were supposed to be. This was how they were once. So carefree and relaxed in each other’s presence. He hadn’t seen Spock like this since he started working here but now, in front of him, Spock was the person Jim had fallen in love with from six years ago.

 

“I see you still have your sass,” Jim said as he settled down.

 

“I do not have sass, Jim,” Spock said and immediately, a heavy silence washed in between when Jim realised what the half-Vulcan had said. Jim’s eyes widened as he looked at Spock. The half-Vulcan seemed tense as well, having realised what he had done. He immediately stood up and Jim followed suit. “I believe I should go now, Captain.”

 

Before he could leave, Jim immediately reached out and grabbed onto his wrist, wrapping his fingers around it. “Spock,” he started. Maybe there was hope after all, right? Maybe he could get something in between them after all. But Spock simply looked back at him and Jim loosened his grip when he saw the—remorse in his eyes.

 

It made Jim shocked at how many emotions were swirling in those orbs. “I believe it is not wise for us to extend the parameters of our current relationship, Captain. It is for the best, is it not?”

 

Jim broke their eye contact and looked away, the sudden lightness gone and replaced it was the slight ache. He let Spock go and nodded. “Yeah, yeah, okay.”

 

With that, Spock looked at him for a moment. Jim knew he wanted to say something else but he didn’t. Instead, he only said, “Goodnight, Captain.”

 

“Goodnight, Spock.”

 

***

 

Their current relationship was still professional. Jim realised that maybe, being only professional with Spock wasn’t that satisfying after all. After that day at the Rec room, he wanted more of that relaxed Spock. He knew he was asking too much, so he didn’t extend his intentions out to the world.

 

Of course, that also meant he had been staring at Spock more often than not now. Whenever Spock wasn’t looking, he would glance at him and then, he’d realise he had been taking in details of the half-Vulcan and storing them in his mind without him noticing he was even doing so.

 

Jim felt insecure with the way he was behaving around Spock. He knew the signs when he saw one and these were the early signs of him getting infatuated with someone. That someone was Spock and it didn’t settle well Jim.

 

He had tried it once with the half-Vulcan and look at where they ended up now. It wasn’t for the best if he wanted anything closer with him. But his heart yearned out loud, yelling at him that Jim was making a mistake. It told him that Spock was the one and he was too blind, too insecure and too scared to see it, to go for it.

 

Jim ignored it.

 

But ever since that day in the Rec room, there was some slight changes in their working environment. Spock was less colder, much warmer and Jim saw the signs of him getting used to someone before. Spock was getting used to him. The half-Vulcan started inquiring if he was alright and started slipping his emotions out more often nowadays.

 

Jim felt special again.

 

He felt cherished.

 

And he knew that this was going to end terribly if he didn’t ignore these feelings.

 

However, destiny had always been a sadist.

 

It was another away mission, this time they had beamed down to investigate a presence of a new element. Jim found out that it was what kept this whole planet alive. It really intrigued him and Spock expressed the same feeling.

 

“So, this actually keeps your planet alive?” Jim asked as he looked at the guide, K’Sev.

 

“Yes,” he said, nodding. He looked Humanoid and even though they didn’t speak Standard as their native tongue, they could speak it well. “It is our life source and hers.”

 

“It seemed that this planet has a gender,” Spock said next to him and Jim nodded. The element they found was a large crystal in bright pink. It was also humming gently like a lullaby and it was actually soothing to whoever hearing it. Something about the element was also very alluring causing Jim to take a step forward.

 

“I would not do that if I were you,” K’Sev said as he took a step forward and pulled Jim away. Spock immediately gently grabbed Jim’s elbow and pulled him away from K’Sev’s grip. Jim, however, kept his eyes straight at the element.

 

“It’s pretty,” Jim breathed out, finding himself flushing. His body felt warm and he wondered what it would feel like if he touched the smooth crystal.

 

“Commander, I’m reading great levels of static from where you are,” Sulu said from the comm.

 

“Ah, it is time to head back then,” K’Sev said. “It is her feeding time. We cannot stay to watch. She will be mad. We all be dead then.”

 

“Captain, we should leave,” Spock said but Jim simply waved him off.

 

“Just a minute,” Jim said as he pulled his elbow from Spock’s grasp and took a few steps towards the crystal.

 

“Captain,” Spock said, grabbing back his elbow. “Something is wrong. What is wrong with the Captain, K’Sev?”

 

“Oh no,” K’Sev said as he looked at Jim. “We must leave at once.”

 

Jim however was enticed with the crystal, the humming seemed to beckon at him.

 

“Commander,” an ensign said, his face flushed too like Jim was. “I feel funny.”

 

Just then, something bright emerged from the crystal and K’Sev’s eyes widened. “We must leave!” he said and before any one of them could do anything, he started running away. “Oh, I am sorry, Madam! Do not hurt them. Do not hurt me! Please! I am sorry!”

 

But the bright light started to become a sharp laser and before K’Sev could get away, it shot him and immediately, he was on the ground, crying out in agony and pain. Jim however was entranced. He slowly reached his hand towards the crystal as if the crystal was cooing at him to do so. His mind slowly blanking out and all he felt was this strong desire to get closer to the crystal.

 

“Captain!” Spock said as he ordered everyone to leave. “Beam us up immediately, Mr Scott.”

 

“Stat—ic—,” Scotty’s voice came through. The light went up through the crystal again and this time, without wasting time, Spock grabbed onto Jim’s hand and dragged him away. Jim fumbled on his foot as the rest of the away team followed the half-Vulcan away from the crystal.

 

They were a few feet away before the static calmed down. Jim was disorientated as he tripped and fell on the ground onto his back. “Mr Scott,” Spock demanded through the comm.

 

“Two minutes! I got your coordinates. Far enough to avoid static. Two minutes to lock down,” Scotty said in a rush through the comm.

 

Spock looked at Jim, crouching down to him to take a better look at his Captain. Jim simply blinked, his head was pounding heavily and the sudden enticement disappeared, leaving him empty. “Captain,” Spock started but before Jim could say anything, there was another bright light from the surrounding.

 

Jim’s throat felt dry and he whimpered at the brightness. Spock looked down to Jim, his eyes filled with worry. “Too—bright,” Jim croaked out as he closed his eyes. “Feel….weak.” It wasn’t just Jim who was affected. Another two Human of the away team members were affected as well, however not as bad as Jim.

 

They were still able to shield the brightness from themselves, waiting to be beamed up. Jim, however, was the closest to the crystal and it felt like someone wanted to split his head open. Spock quickly gathered Jim in his arms, burying his face into his chest and wrapping his arms around him. Jim weakly tried to wrap his arms around him too but he couldn’t.

 

“Is this much better, Captain?” Spock asked. Jim nodded even though he knew he hadn’t moved at all.

 

“S’okay,” he slurred. “Jim.”

 

“Captain?”

 

“Jim,” the blond-haired man said under his breath. He inhaled Spock’s scent, feeling the headache slowly loosening its grip on his mind. “Call…me…J—Jim.”

 

It was right after that that they materialised on the transporter pad, Spock still clutching onto Jim and the blond-haired man trying to get his mind to work. Soon, relief washed into his mind once he was no longer there and he fell limp in Spock’s embrace. His mind shut down from the exhaustion and pain and his whole body felt like they were drained out of energy.

 

The last thing he heard before he went unconscious was Spock calling his name in his ears, soft and worried.

 

“ _Jim_.”

 

***

 

Jim woke up to the sounds of someone rustling around next to him. His head no longer felt like it was about to crack. He groaned when he opened his eyes and saw a sudden presence of white light, causing his eyes to water. A prickling sensation on his neck gently brought his mind into focus.

 

Soon, he noticed he was in Sickbay. He blinked opened his eyes before he took in a shaky breath. “Huh, look who decided to grace us with her highness’s presence,” a deep gruff voice spoke and Jim couldn’t help but to crack a weak smile when he saw Bones.

 

“Hey,” he croaked out and winced when he felt how dry his throat was. Bones simply stared at him unamused, his tricorder readings in his hand.

 

“Don’t hey me, idiot,” Bones said as he looked at his tricorder. After a minute, he nodded and sighed, rubbing his face. “Goddamnit, I thought you were dead!”

 

Jim winced at the tone as he gave him a comforting smile. With that, he tried to sit up, only to have Bones pushing him back down. “Bones, I’m fine.”

 

“Like hell you are!” Bones exclaimed. “Jim, did you know what happened to you? Do you have any idea how much brain activity there was in you by the time we brought you in here? You might as well end up in some kind of coma from the way your brain was acting up. We had to sedate you to keep you from shutting down abruptly and dying.”

 

Jim didn’t know it was that bad. “Explains why my head felt like someone cracked it,” Jim said as he took in a deep breath. “How long was I out?”

 

“Over fourteen hours,” Bones said slowly. “We managed to stabilise you into a shallow sleep by the eighth hour. You’re damn lucky the hobgoblin sheltered you from the lights.”

 

“Spock?” Jim asked as he remembered slightly being held by him. He felt warm and secure in his embrace. He didn’t think Spock would do that to him after all these times. “He hugged me.”

 

“He had to,” Bones said. “You—you scared us all, Jim. You went limp in his arms and the hobgoblin—god, I didn’t think I would say this, but he panicked. You didn’t breathe properly and you’re—technically you almost died. Spock wouldn’t let you go until I had to pry you off.”

 

Jim blinked at the declaration. “R—really?” he asked, feeling something warming his heart. Spock acted like that? He reacted as such for Jim? He didn’t know what to make of it. Bones simply huffed out in annoyance.

 

“You’re staying back from the next away mission,” Bones declared. Jim wanted to protest but the look on Bones’s face stopped him. “Please, Jim. Just until I’m sure you’re alright again.”

 

“I’m fine now, aren’t I?” Jim asked weakly and Bones nodded.

 

“Yeah, you’re fine,” Bones said. “But that doesn’t mean you get to go on duty for the next two days. Rest, Jim.”

 

“But Bones!”

 

“No,” Bones said. “Or I will sedate you if I must. Do you want to test me, Jim?”

 

The blond-haired man slowly settled down before he rolled his eyes at the doctor. A mother hen, he was just that. He finally relented and smiled. Bones sagged his shoulders in relief. “But just so you know threatening a superior office is an offence.”

 

“Sue me,” Bones muttered under his breath before he checked Jim one last time and gave him another hypospray. Jim winced at the sharp stab and glared at Bones. “Payback.”

 

“Spock, where is he?” Jim asked as he tried settling on his back against the headboard. This time Bones let him.

 

“Where do you think he’ll be?” Bones asked sarcastically. Jim just huffed out and before he could retort, the doors to Sickbay slid opened. The said person walked in, his eyes immediately locking onto Jim’s. Bones simply muttered under his breath again before nodding. Spock walked up cautiously to them before he glanced at Boones. “He’s fine. Fine for Jim anyway. He’s on rest for two days. No work. No moving out bed.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jim said as he waved his hand at Bones. The doctor simply rolled his eyes before he walked away from the two. Jim then shrugged him off, smiling softly at Bones’s not-so-obvious love and looked at Spock. His First Officer looked— _horrible_.

 

He looked slightly paler from he used to. His eyes seemed to look tired and he wondered if Spock was taking care of himself. He frowned at the image in front of him. “Captain,” he said and immediately Jim remembered the way Spock had called out his name before he passed out. His cheeks flushed slightly as he cleared his throat and nodded.

 

“Uhm,” Jim started. “Thanks, for you know—shielding me from the light.”

 

Something flashed in Spock’s eyes but he just nodded. “It is my duty as First Officer to protect you.”

 

The immanent hope dropped and shimmered dim. He looked away from Spock and nodded, knowing he looked slightly put off. Oh, so it was because of his duty then. Jim didn’t know what else he was expecting from this. Of course Spock did so because it was his duty. Jim felt foolish for a second. Seriously, Jim. “Yeah,” Jim said. “Right, because of your duty. Thanks anyways.”

 

Silence matched on before Spock said, “We have discovered that with further investigation, the crystal seemed to be indeed—alive. It is as for now unsure of how it is possible and it defies logic but the results do suggests it is alive.”

 

“Huh,” Jim said, removing the hopeless thoughts and focused on this news. Furrowing his eyebrows, he said, “Then why was I—you know, loco?”

 

“Your brain activity was affected with the waves it was emitting,” Spock said. “It seemed it felt threatened with our presence. I was unaffected because I have strong shields protecting my mind. Humans however do not have shields and therefore, their brain waves are affected easily by the waves it was emitting.”

 

“So the rest of the away team member—”

 

“They are fine,” Spock said. “They did not get hurt due to the distance they were with the crystal. However, you had gone too close and almost touched it. If you had touched it, the waves would have transferred into you directly and would have caused an antagonising death.”

 

Jim winced at the thought of dying so harshly. He sighed and rubbed his face before looking at Spock in the eyes. Just then, he saw the worry etched in Spock’s eyes. He froze at the look and tried to settle his beating heart. He didn’t know why he had this hope in his heart, but there it was. He was hoping what he was seeing was real.

 

Spock immediately looked away and a different type of silence washed in between them. “I will get going, Captain.” Before Spock could leave, Jim grabbed onto his wrist and stopped him again. He didn’t want Spock to leave, not yet. After what he had felt at the transporter room, at the worry and slight tremors of fear of losing him, he needed to know.

 

Spock tensed at the touch, his eyes not leaving the floor. Jim licked his lips, wondering if he could get the words out without affecting their thin relationship. “Spock,” Jim said softly. “Is it—was it just a duty to you?”

 

The half-Vulcan looked at him immediately. “Captain—”

 

“Don’t,” Jim started, his eyes pleading as he squeezed the wrist. “Please, just the truth. Don’t avoid the question. Just tell me. No more lies.”

 

“Vulcans do not lie,” Spock said but Jim could feel the hollowness in his words. Jim ignored the words and looked at him in the eyes, expecting an answer from him.

 

“Do you—Did you do it because it’s your duty?” Jim asked. “Or is it because you still care about me?”

 

Jim watched how his jaw clicked tight and how his shoulders wound tense. He saw how Spock tried to debate with his inner self. He saw the final resignation in the air as he looked at Jim again, this time his emotions bare out to him. He grabbed onto Jim’s hand and for a second, the Captain thought the Vulcan was going to tear his grip away from his wrist.

 

But he didn’t, instead, he held Jim there. Something warm washed in between them and suddenly, Jim felt the deep tremors of affection in them. It was there—it was present and he felt it running through him. Jim gave out a silent gasp, the warmth caressing him from inside. He didn’t know what to think but this: Spock never forgot about their love. About them. Spock _never forgot_ about him.

 

“Jim,” Spock started and Jim looked at the half-Vulcan, his eyes blurry, tears gathering in his eyes. “ _Jim_.”

 

“Spock,” Jim croaked out. “You still—I didn’t—how?”

 

“I do not know,” Spock said slowly, his eyes locking into his. “All that I do know was that when I saw you again after six point one years, you had managed to still elicit multiple emotional responses from me. I had thought it would be the best if I did not acknowledge our past liaison. I had thought that if I were to keep my distance, if I were to avoid you, I would no longer care.”

 

“Spock,” Jim started. “I didn’t—”

 

“It is illogical for me to have thought you would still feel the affection we shared,” Spock said finally. “I confess, I did not think about you anymore after we separated. It was for the best and I had thought I had meditated you over. I no longer felt anything, I have kept it all locked up like it was supposed to.”

 

“But when you saw me again, you felt something, didn’t you?” Jim asked, blinking back the tears. “Because—I did.”

 

Spock didn’t say anything. “I do not what it is,” Spock said. “But I do not like you getting hurt, Jim. You must be more cautious of your safety. I can only do so much.”

 

Jim took in a shaky breath before he nodded, laughing a bit at the lightness in his heart. “Can we,” Jim started. “Just friends? Because I care about you, Spock and you—I know you care about me too. I just, can’t we start over? Forget our past? Can’t we?”

 

Spock remained quiet and Jim knew he might be asking too much. Their past, even if it was beautiful, it was mostly painful as well. He wanted nothing more but to forget about it. He wanted to start over with this Vulcan again. He wanted to know if maybe things would be different once more. Spock squeezed his hand for a bit before he huffed out.

 

“It is, I suppose for the best,” Spock said. “I do not think I could ignore you any longer.”

 

It was the closest he would get to a yes. Jim knew it and he smiled. He felt everything changing in between them that day. He finally nodded. “Alright,” he said before he looked at Spock in the eyes. “Starting over.”

 

Spock’s lips quirked upwards even though they looked tired. “Affirmative.”

 

Jim chuckled before he detangled their hands. Before long he finally took a deep breath and said, “Hi. I’m James Tiberius Kirk. And you are?”

 

Spock watched him before he went along with it, indicating that he was finally ready to let it all lay in the past. “Greetings. I am Spock.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ahaha....so? I don't know if once again I rushed things or if some parts made sense but my sister read it for me and she said it was fine. So, I'm not sure. I also didn't want to rush things, so I took the time to expand on their after six-years-seeing-you-again thing. How was it? I hope you guys enjoyed it. I also hope my characterisation is alright, maybe slightly boring or OOC but I hope it's tolerable. ;w; I, again, one more chapter after this. Also, I want to thank you all of you who had commented, subscribed, bookmarked and gave me kudos in the previous chapter! Don't forget to let me know what you guys thought of this chapter and ya, until the next one~! -Krystal


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine.  
> A/N: ...  
> WELLL--Hello! //slapdead// I know, I know--I took such a long time to finish writing this chapter and I have a very good reason too! I'm studying now, so I have no time. Period. Okay, that left behind, I know that some of you are not happy with how the last chapter had spun out, so I hope that this chapter will make it up for that--. Yup. I tried my best and I really hope it made sense. Even if it's a bit? 
> 
> Oh wells, anyways, enjoy this chapter! Thank you guys so much for have been supporting me with the kudos and etc, so, here's the extra freaking long chapter--the last chapter--of these two dorks. Until next time~! -Krystal

 

 

Jim knew that the scars they had between them wouldn’t disappear right away. It would take time before they really got used to each other again. The blond-haired man also knew that there were still some unresolved questions in between them.

 

He wondered briefly if Spock ever asked himself why they ended so abruptly six years ago. It was two days before Jim was finally able to return to his work. He sighed happily as he sat on his captain chair once more. Bones had been picky with his diet even more now.

 

Despite Jim’s distaste.

 

 “Status report, Sulu,” he asked as Sulu glanced at him. Everything seemed fine for Jim and the Captain smiled at that. He glanced around his bridge crewmembers, noting that each and every one of them worked diligently. A swell of pride worked in his heart at the sight, knowing now that this was his crew.

 

Then, his eyes landed on Spock, sitting at his station and working on his charts. Suddenly, something dimmed inside of him. Sure, they had decided to start over but the pain was still there and he had seen the pain in Spock’s eyes too. Uhura had told him once that what he saw in the half-Vulcan now wasn’t how he was when he left him.

 

As selfish as this sounded, Jim was young back then, they were both so young back then and they didn’t have enough trust in each other to last long. He sighed as he leaned into his chair. The two days passed by with Jim working on his reports. Bones would stop by once in a while to check up on him but that was all.

 

Spock had stopped by once but it was a short visit. It seemed like the half-Vulcan wasn’t comfortable yet with him and Jim couldn’t remove the thought that despite they were deciding to become friends, it was going to take some time for him as well.

 

The shift ended without much happening and Jim had walked to the turbo lift, his mind now occupied with what to eat for dinner and he wondered briefly if Bones would let him eat something greasy or fried at least for tonight. Before the turbo lift doors closed, Spock walked in.

 

“Spock,” Jim greeted and the half-Vulcan glanced at him and nodded.

 

“Captain.”

 

That didn’t change either. Jim couldn’t get Spock to call him by his name anymore instead it was as if Captain was his new name. But the blond-haired man didn’t force the subject on his First Officer. He knew that they needed time. The past they shared was too deep and too important to really forget. Jim knew that because what they felt was real.

 

“What are you going to get for dinner?” Jim asked after a minute, cancelling the silence between them.

 

“I do not know,” Spock said. His voice still held that blankness that Jim slowly learned was a mask to hide his true intentions. It made Jim flinch inside realising that _he_ made Spock this way. Jim looked away and huffed out. Spock looked at him and a moment, he opened his mouth. But then, he closed it and settled on staring at the turbo lift doors.

 

The doors opened a second later and they both walked out. Jim walked side by side with Spock to the mess hall as his mind worked on the thought that indeed, this was going to take a lot of work and trust. Pure trust this time, not the fragile ones they had last time.

 

Once they were in the mess hall, Jim stared at the replicator and tried to program something greasy. As usual, it denied his orders and programmed him a bowl of chicken salad with lemon dressing. He sighed irritated at the bowl and just took it, deciding to teach Bones a lesson the next time he saw him.

 

They settled at one of the empty tables, Spock sitting in front of him with the same— _soup_ Jim saw him eating a few times. “What’s that?” Jim asked after a while. Spock looked up from his dish to Jim.

 

“It is _Plomeek_ soup,” he said matter-of-factly.

 

“Oh,” Jim said as he looked away from the soup to his salad. “Looks…yummy.”

 

Spock didn’t say anything but when Jim glanced at him, he was wearing this unreadable expression on his face. He, then, nodded before he ate his food. Jim sighed internally at the lack of response before he ate his salad. However, despite it all, it felt like they were trying too hard already.

 

Jim felt like Spock was forcing himself to sound normal.

 

The blond-haired man could see through all of the half-Vulcan’s acts and this was one of them. It was like a wall built in between them. As if—as if he didn’t want Jim to touch him again. It startled Jim when the realisation dawned on him that at the end of the day, he wasn’t the only one who got hurt.

 

Spock got hurt too.

 

That explained why Uhura acted like a beast when he saw her for the first time after so long.

_“Did you know what he went through, Jim? You don’t because you think he’s not emotional. Let me tell you something, Jim, he does feel and he felt more than you could ever feel. Even now.”_

 

Jim had felt offended with that sentence when Uhura accused him as such because he knew Spock felt more than he could ever feel in a million years. But he guessed he gradually forgot about it as time passed by and at the end, their relationship ended in a disaster. He knew he was at fault as well, somewhere in this it was his fault too.

 

But to think that he didn’t even know Spock like he thought he did was a new revelation.

 

What did he know about Spock really?

 

He couldn’t remember the last time he asked Spock about what he liked to do while they were together. Did he even know what Spock’s favourite colour was? On his birthday, did Jim get him anything for him? No, because he assumed Spock didn’t celebrate his birthday nor had a favourite colour. He assumed it was all too illogical for Spock but in reality, he forgot that the half-Vulcan was also part _Human_. He also had feelings.

 

He was so engrossed on how he felt that he didn’t know that he had hurt Spock as much too.

 

“Oh God,” Jim whispered to himself, feeling the harshness of the reality catching him off guard. He felt his inner self trembling from the guilt, from the regret at not have been a good lover after all. Sure, he came and saw Spock whenever he could but what else did he do for Spock? The half-Vulcan understood when it came to him but when it was his turn to be the supporting one, he bluntly accused Spock of not being able to feel or care for him.

 

Was that why Spock acted so cold towards him when he saw him for the first time after six years?

 

Was it because he was playing out what Jim had assumed him of?

 

Was it because— _because_ Jim had hurt him more than he had hurt Jim?

 

“Captain?” Spock questioned and Jim looked up at him. The half-Vulcan’s eyes widened when he caught his eyes. Jim saw his shoulders tensing and his mask slowly cracking. Jim took in a shaky breath, looking away and biting his inner cheek. He felt so angry at himself now. Uhura was right, he wasn’t good enough for him then. How could he? He didn’t even trust him.

 

He thought he did.

 

But he didn’t.

 

If he did, he wouldn’t have doubted him.

 

Bones saw through their façade and tried to stop him but look at where his stubbornness brought him. Jim looked at Spock again and tried to give him a smile but even now, it felt wrong. _It felt wrong_. No, he couldn’t do this to Spock. “I—I’m sorry,” Jim said as he immediately stood up. “I’m not feeling well. I—Quarters.”

 

Spock stared at him as Jim gathered his tray and walked away, almost rushing out of the mess hall. The pain that he thought he had forgotten started to bubble wildly in his chest.

 

***

 

“God, Bones, _what_ did I _do_?” Jim asked as he sat on Bones’s bed, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. The doctor grumbled as he went to make himself something to drink.

 

“What now, Jim?” he asked, looking at the blond-haired man.

 

“I was an idiot, Bones,” Jim said as he glanced at his best friend. Bones snorted as if that was a surprise.

 

“Like you needed to tell me that,” he said and Jim glared at him. The doctor simply gave him an uninterested shrug. “But seriously, what do you want?”

 

“I hurt him, Bones,” Jim said as he sat down, running his fingers through his hair. “I—I really hurt him, didn’t I? When I left him, when I accused him of the things he didn’t do, I hurt him. And here I thought it was all me being the victim.”

 

Bones remained quiet for a minute before he walked to Jim and sat down next to him. “Jim,” he started. “When a relationship fails, it’s always because both of you are at fault. You were convinced he was wrong while Spock’s convinced you were wrong. I told you, Jim, when Vulcans choose someone, they’re really sure you’re the one.”

 

“I know,” Jim said, feeling the guilt overpowering him. “I—I just realised that I didn’t know anything about him. I was hurting him even now. I didn’t ask him about how he was after all this time. He was purposely making me think that he was a cold bastard. I made him that way, Bones! How can we start over if what I did wrong was too deep to forget?”

 

“That’s intense, kid,” Bones said. “Sure, both of you got hurt. But Jim, did you two even talk properly?”

 

Jim looked at Bones. “Of course we did—”

 

“I mean the real talk, Jim,” Bones cut him off with a frown. “The one where you dig up all the wrong that happened between you two six years ago and placing it out in the open. You have misunderstandings between you two, Jim. You’re telling me Spock agreed to start over? He’s a Vulcan, Jim. Does he even forgive you just like how you couldn’t actually forgive him?”

 

Jim’s mind screeched to a halt. That could be—quite possibly be true.

 

The captain looked at his best friend with wide eyes. “You think he doesn’t forgive me?” he asked but Bones simply shrugged.

 

“I don’t know, Jim,” he said after a minute. “Ask Spock yourself.”

 

Jim looked away, sighing as he nodded. He guessed nothing was about to change just because they wanted to. They needed to _talk_ , they needed to solve this thing between them. Jim needed to do something about this.

 

***

 

Time didn’t give him a chance to talk to Spock. They were suddenly bombarded with missions and reports that Jim couldn’t even say a word to the half-Vulcan that wasn’t related to work. But the guilt was gnawing his heart day by day. Every time he glanced at Spock, he would feel the tremors of regret thrumming through his veins.

 

The half-Vulcan would catch his eyes but then Jim would look away immediately. Before Jim knew it, it had been two weeks. The load of missions finally came to a steady stop and Jim’s reports were mostly finished. He was free for the first time since two weeks of work.

 

He was heading to the Observation Deck, deciding to just watch the stars from the comfort of his own space and not from the main viewer. He knew nobody was around there at this time of the night. But just as he was about to go in, he spotted Spock and Jim froze at the entrance.

 

The blond-haired man shuffled at where he stood for a minute before Spock turned around to look at him. He tilted his head to the side just a fraction before he nodded at him. Jim nodded back before he licked his lips, taking a few steps forward as the doors closed behind him. “You’re still up,” Jim said as Spock looked back to the windows.

 

“Vulcans require less rest compared to Humans,” Spock said. Jim looked away from his First Officer, nodding. He knew that, of course he did. But he didn’t think it would make up to how much he knew about his once lover. He rubbed the back of his neck before Spock glanced at him. “You want to inquire me about something, Captain?”

 

Jim felt his body going stiff with guilt before he took in a deep breath. It was futile trying to hide his thoughts from Spock. He always knew. Even now. “Why did you—Six years,” Jim started and Spock froze, his shoulders going stiff.

 

“I believe we agreed not to talk about what happened six years ago,” he said quickly and the same blankness coloured his voice.

 

“Well, I was wrong,” Jim said as he looked at the half-Vulcan. “We need to talk about this if—if we want to…try anew.”

 

Spock’s shoulders relaxed before he finally turned to look at Jim. He dropped his hands to his sides and his eyes were perfectly masked, eyeing the blue ones. Silence washed in between them before he nodded, his eyes flicking away.

 

“I,” Jim started. “Spock, how were you really? Six years ago, when I left—I—left you.”

 

Spock’s lips thinned and Jim saw the old pain and scars in them and that confirmed his suspicions that indeed, he had caused Spock to become this cold person he was now. “I was—not fine,” Spock said finally and Jim knew right then that everything was about to be poured out in the open.

 

“I—,” Jim started but what was he supposed to say? He was hurt too. He was misled as well. Like Bones said, it was his fault and Spock’s, both added the wrong potion into the mix and the end product was a disaster. “I don’t know. Back then—I felt really lonely, Spock. I thought that Uhura fascinated you because she, she seems to be more attentive, prettier and just an overall your style. I started doubting myself for you. I started asking myself if I was worth it.”

 

Spock looked at Jim and scanned his face and then, Jim saw the start of the cracks on his mask. “I was disappointed,” Spock bluntly admitted. “I was disappointed that you would feel as if I did not make an effort to contribute to our relationship. I did not do anything that you disliked and I had tried to—I have tried my best only to realise that I did not do well enough. You left me at the end. The trust we had had been shattered.”

 

Jim winced at the words. “I know,” Jim said slowly.

 

“Though,” Spock said. “If I had said what you had meant to me, I believe our previous outcome would have been avoided.”

 

Jim rubbed the back of his neck. “I should’ve told you what I had on my mind as well, so we could’ve worked it out. So, we could’ve—could’ve at least, I don’t know. At the end, we both ended up hurting each other. I bet you hated me, didn’t you, Spock? Because I almost did.”

 

Spock went quiet before he nodded. “I disliked the way you left me—empty, if I must say, Jim,” Spock said. “However, the time apart had me thinking that maybe I was at wrong as well. It seemed that I truly did not know anything about you as a lover should have known. I did not—indulge you in romantic gestures that you were accustomed to before.”

 

“Neither did I for you,” Jim said as he looked at the Vulcan in the eyes. “I didn’t even—I sucked at being with you, Spock. And it took me six years to realise where we went wrong—where _I_ went wrong. I was so angry at you for sharing too much with Uhura and you didn’t share anything with me but—I didn’t share anything much to you either.”

 

Spock looked at Jim for a moment before he took a step forward. “I believe we both did not know what we did,” he said. “It had taken me four point three years to forget about you and yet when I saw you as the list of candidates for the captaincy, I had agreed to become your First Officer.”

 

Jim’s eyes snapped back at Spock, widening at each word. “I believed that you were still the same person I had known of from six point one years ago.” Spock then nodded to himself. “I was right. Despite that I had thought initially it would be best if we ignored each other, it was starting to become difficult when you were constantly throwing yourself into dangerous situations. And yet, I could not fully find it in my heart to worry for you as I was still—uneasy with your presence.”

 

“You never forgave me for leaving you, did you?” Jim asked, his voice sounded hollow and crisp.

 

“I did not.”

 

It was like a punch to the gut to hear that. But Jim knew that somewhere deep inside of him, he didn’t actually forgive Spock properly for what he had done as well. “Well, I can’t lie, I haven’t yet either.”

 

“It will take time, Jim,” Spock said. “Forgiveness is not easily given. It will take time before we could trust each other again.”

 

“I know,” Jim said as he looked at the half-Vulcan. “But—we’ve got to start somewhere. I can’t, Spock, knowing that I hurt you. I thought you wanted me to leave. I thought—”

 

“I did not,” Spock said. “But I had to let you go because it seems as if you did not want me instead.”

 

“I did,” Jim said. “I did. A lot. I thought I could be with you forever.”

 

Spock remained silent but Jim could hear the words from him.

 

“ _So did I_.”

 

***

 

The talk they had didn’t clear everything up between them. It was impossible to clear everything up from just one talk either. But something in between them lifted after that day. Sure, the guilt for hurting Spock was still weaving itself through his veins and his own pains clashed with it, but despite it all, he still felt slightly better.

 

Spock’s mask fell a bit as well. There was still that guarded expression on his face whenever he talked to Jim but the blond-haired man started to see that the walls were breaking down—slowly. They were working better now and there was at least some kind of after-work relationship between them even though Jim knew it was far from being friends.

 

Not yet.

 

But something still shifted between them and Jim found it to be a good type of shift. They still talked after work but it was the small, unimportant ones, where one question ends with one answer and Jim was the one with the questioning. Spock sometimes would ask how Jim was on that particular day if they met early in the morning (according to the ship anyway) and Jim would feel a bit—lighter inside as he answered out that he was fine.

 

They didn’t touch their past often. Just once in a while when they were alone and the old uncertainty settled between them. Jim slowly asked about what Spock had been doing for the past year after three months since the talk. Spock would go rigid at first and Jim would think that he was going to get rejected again.

 

But he didn’t, instead, Spock opened up, maybe a little but he still opened up.

 

It was different to how they started six years ago.

 

This was much more—matured. This was much more systematic. This was much more realistic.

 

Jim would then share about what he did as well even though Spock didn’t ask. But he could tell the half-Vulcan wanted to know. Sometimes, they would meet up for chess at the Rec room. Spock wouldn’t say anything but the silence between them spoke volumes.

 

The blond-haired man knew it would take a whole lot than just an apology to get forgiveness but he was going to start there. So, one day, while they were playing chess, he blurted out the apology. “I’m sorry.”

 

The stunned silence accompanying them right after was uncomfortable. Jim looked down to the chessboard and placed his knight against the pawn. Spock remained rigid for a second before he relaxed. “What are you apologising for?” he asked as he looked at the chessboard.

 

“Just—for everything,” Jim said quietly. “For hurting you. For—for what happened six years ago. For what I might do in the future. I don’t know.”

 

Spock stopped mid-way lifting the queen and looked at Jim once more. He looked away for a moment before he placed his queen where he wanted to. “You were not the only wrong one, Jim,” he said, catching the captain off guard. “I—I apologise as well for what I have done.”

 

Jim looked at the half-Vulcan before he gave him a wary smile. Something in him brightened at the apology. It was an indication that Spock was willing to put his effort into this and work things out between them as well. It made Jim feel like he wasn’t the only one who was trying to get them to even out their past despite it would take time.

 

Silence washed in between them after that as Jim went back to playing chess. Nothing else was exchanged and yet, Jim could feel that the atmosphere was shedding its tenseness. It was lighter, not entirely clear but it was lighter.

 

It was a start.

 

A start for what—Jim didn’t know yet.

 

***

 

Things didn’t stay like this all the time though.

 

Something must change between them once more, destiny decided and so it did.

 

Jim stared at the message he just received from Starfleet. His eyes were wide and something worked in his heart. He took in a deep breath as he shifted in the captain seat. The name was engraved in big bold letters on the transfer letter and Jim knew he wasn’t imagining it.

 

He felt his First Officer shifting from next to him. He could feel his eyes landing on the picture on his PADD before looking at Jim. The captain cleared his throat and hesitated to reply.

 

It was _her_ and she was requesting a transfer to U.S.S Enterprise. The captain looked at her credentials and he was impressed at how far she had come. Though, her words still rung in his head as if she had said them yesterday. She was different, unique and she left him for her own goals. Now, she was coming back—only if Jim wanted her to.

 

But Jim knew he couldn’t think with his feelings. She had an outstanding record and if he didn’t accept her that would alert Starfleet about his decisions. They would question him then and prod him for answers until he finally gave in. He didn’t want to listen to the Admirals nagging at him. He didn’t want to waste his time entertaining assholes who thought he couldn’t command his crewmembers to safety even if his life depended on it.

_Lieutenant Carol Marcus – Requesting Transfer to U.S.S Enterprise_

_Speciality: Science Officer in Weapons Technology_

 

“The Lieutenant seems to have an impeccable record in specialising weapons technology,” Spock said as he looked at Jim. The blond-haired man was startled out from his thoughts, glancing at the half-Vulcan before nodding.

 

“Yeah,” he said before he sat up straighter. “I believe she would make a fine addition to our ship, won’t she, Spock?”

 

Spock remained quiet but there was a distinct disapproval in the air. Jim had to refrain himself from glancing at the half-Vulcan. “However, I believe we have already enough science officers on board who are well specialised in weapons technology.”

 

“I know,” Jim said, his eyes glued to her picture. “But it wouldn’t hurt to add more, right?”

 

“Indeed,” Spock said but his voice sounded off. Jim didn’t really catch the tone, instead, he was staring at the picture. For a second or two, he was inclined to get up from his chair and walk away, to anywhere that would let him have some secluded space.

 

But it would look weird if he did, so he didn’t. Instead, he took in a deep breath. He then typed out his affirmation and sent it off to Starfleet. With that, everything was settled and something weird moved in his heart. He didn’t like the thought that something was going to happen to him again.

 

He closed his PADD and tried to keep his heartbeat to a slower pace. He knew he was panicking deep inside. Besides Spock, Carol was the only one to have ever wormed her way into his heart. She didn’t stick like how Spock did but she still meant a lot to the blond-haired man before.

 

Jim glanced back up to Spock and noticed that the half-Vulcan was staring at him. The captain simply gave his First Officer a smile, which was rewarded back with a nod and Spock moved away to resume his post at his station. Jim looked back to his now blank PADD screen and wondered where this would put them.

 

Things were just settling between Jim and Spock and now, Carol was coming aboard the ship.

 

He knew that Carol didn’t have a grudge on him and he didn’t have a grudge on her. It was mutual when they decided that being more than friends wasn’t going to work especially with different goals in mind. Their breakup wasn’t as cold and horrid like how Spock and his relationship ended.

 

But she was coming on board the ship and Jim didn’t know if she realised that he was the captain of this ship. However, it didn’t seem likely since Carol, despite her cheery and bubbly attitude, she was also very determined to get the job done and so, she would’ve done a thorough research about his ship. She would know that he was the current captain and yet—she still requested for a transfer here.

 

What did it mean then?

 

Jim’s heart stopped for a moment when he realised that maybe, Carol wanted to try again with him.

 

That was impossible though, he thought.

 

He scrunched his eyebrows and settled into his captain’s chair deeper.

 

Something was about to change and his gut was never wrong.

 

***

 

Jim was jittery for the past few days. In the next forty-eight hours, Carol was going to be on board the ship. This ship—the ship that _he_ was _captaining_. She was going to be under Spock’s care and to the blond-haired man, this was a shitty problem.

 

He knew that everything could go on fine as well.

 

But Jim’s gut was telling him otherwise.

 

It was telling him that not everything was going to be an easy ride for him.

 

He wasn’t hungry as he played with his food. His mind was preoccupied with other stuff that he didn’t even gather enough energy to sleep. Bones sat in front of him. He crossed his arms against his chest and stared at the blond-haired man. “Heard we’re having a new science officer soon.”

 

Jim flinched at the words before he pushed his tray forward. He then placed his elbows on the table and placed his face in his palms. “Yeah,” he said but he sounded dead and hollow inside. How was he supposed to face her? Will Spock know? He knew that Spock might never really see him anymore than friends or whatever they were now and probably, Jim might not either but still, Carol was his ex-girlfriend, someone else who had managed to get into his real self besides Spock.

 

And now, she was under Spock’s command.

 

Both people who once meant a lot to Jim.

 

“Yeah, Lieutenant Carol Marcus,” Bones muttered. “She’s the one, isn’t she? The one who dumped ya for the sake of her goals.”

 

“Yeah,” Jim said before rubbing his face and looking at his best friend. “What?”

 

Bones was making a pinched expression. “What’cha gonna do?”

 

“Nothing,” Jim said finally before he dropped his hands on the table. “There’s nothing I can do, Bones. I can’t—deny her request because she has excellent track record. At the same time, I can’t imagine seeing her again after—after a year, Bones.”

 

“And the hobgoblin is her boss,” Bones added. “You got a good life going there, Jim.”

 

Jim sighed loudly before he dropped his head on the table. “Things were just fine between Spock and me and now—Carol’s coming into the picture.”

 

“Does the pointy-eared elf know about Carol?” Bones asked and Jim simply gave out a groan as a sign of no. Bones huffed out an annoyed breath. “Well, this is just dandy, isn’t it, Jim?

 

“Like I said,” Jim said before he straightened himself up and stared at his best friend. “I’m just going to let this go on naturally.”

 

“The hobgoblin will find out one way or the other.”

 

“And do what, Bones?” Jim said. “He—no, we’re not going to do that again. We tried, we failed. You were right. We’re just keeping this in platonic fields this time.”

 

Bones looked at Jim sceptically before he shook his head and stood up. “You both still act like two goddamn teenagers.”

 

Jim gaped at the words but failed to retort when Bones stalked off. The blond-haired man stared at where his best friend once stood and sighed, rubbing his face once more before running his fingers through his hair. Just then, Spock walked in, Uhura following him as they both talked about something. Jim glanced at them before settling back to his own thoughts.

 

There were a lot of things in his life he wanted to change, one of them was the amount of trust he placed in Spock. If only he didn’t listen to the devils in his heart about what he thought of Uhura and Spock, maybe they would’ve still been together. Maybe he wouldn’t have met Carol and maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t have to ponder over this situation like he was about to die.

 

Uhura walked up to him, carrying her tray of food before she sat on one of the empty chairs, Spock followed suit as he sat next to her. “Captain,” she said before she looked at him. Jim simply looked back at the both of them and gave them a weak smile.

 

“Off duty, Uhura,” he reminded his Chief Communication Officer.

 

“Right, Jim,” she corrected herself. After a second, she added, “So, Lieutenant Carol Marcus. She’s really impressive.”

 

“She is,” Jim said as he glanced at Spock. He knew that his First Officer had read about her profile since she would be working under him. Jim felt a swell of pride that someone he once cared about had achieved so much in her life. But that didn’t mean it would make things easier now. Spock looked back at Jim before he nodded. “What do you think about her, Spock?”

 

“She is indeed fascinating,” Spock said. “However, I cannot judge her based on her reports alone.”

 

“Right,” Jim said as he licked his lips, trying to sound less nervous. Uhura looked at him before she raised her eyebrows. Jim looked back at her and gave his own eyebrows a raise. “Well, she’ll be a great addition to the ship.”

 

“Yes,” Uhura said, agreeing to him. “You have worked with her before, right?”

 

 

Jim tried his best not to come out tense. He knew Uhura had meant that question in general. He knew for sure that she didn’t know about his past with Carol. “Yes, I had,” Jim said before he looked at Spock. “She’s really determined to reach her goals, to become the best.”

 

“Indeed?” Spock questioned though he looked sceptical.

 

“Yeah,” the blond-haired man continued before he forced out a grin.

 

“Huh,” Uhura said slowly as Jim glanced at her. “We’ll see.”

 

***

 

The day she was about to beam on board his ship had arrived. Jim was waiting at the transporter room. His First Officer was next to him and Jim was nervous to be honest. He licked his lips as he glanced at the ensign who was handling her beaming up.

 

“Beaming up, sir,” the ensign said. “In three, two, one.”

 

And then, Jim took in a deep breath and held it in when a figure materialised on the pad. It took him a few seconds before he saw her. She was there, with her blond-hair and big bright grin on her face. She walked down from the transporter pad before she stood in front of him.

 

“Jim!” she said and Spock’s eyebrows shot upwards at the familiarity. She glanced at the half-Vulcan before her grin dimmed at the sides and cleared her throat. “I mean, Captain.”

 

Jim just stared at her for a second when he felt something warm wash up in his heart. With that, he grinned widely back at her. He took a step forward and wrapped his arms around her, dragging her into a hug. She went still in his embrace for a second before she hugged him back just as tight. It felt like hours before he finally let her go, his fingers ghosting on her arms. “Carol.”

 

“Hi,” she said with a smile. He couldn’t help but to chuckle. It felt great to see her again. It felt great to know that she wasn’t weirded out despite what happened to them. It felt like everything was normal once more. “I would like to thank you for accepting my request, Jim.”

 

“It’s my pleasure,” Jim said softly, his grin now morphed into a warm smile. He looked at her before he sighed and dropped his hands to his side. “And it’s good to see you again.”

 

She smiled at him just as warmly before she nodded. “Me too,” she said. They stared at each other for a whole minute before Jim felt someone was next to him. Snapping out from his own world, he glanced at Spock and berated himself for not introducing his First Officer.

 

“Uhm, this is Commander Spock,” Jim said as he refrained himself from slapping Spock’s shoulder. “He will be your supervisor. You’ll report directly to him.”

 

She nodded before she raised her _ta’al_. “I am Lieutenant Carol Marcus, Commander.”

 

Spock raised his own _ta’al_ at her though Jim knew there was surprise evident on his face. Maybe not noticeable to others but Jim knew Spock, so he knew when the half-Vulcan was surprised. The blond-haired man knew why Spock was surprised. Despite it was a general knowledge to Starfleet Officers that a Vulcan didn’t do physical touch due to their touch telepathy, the _ta’al_ was rarely raised from those who did know a Vulcan.

 

But the truth was, Jim knew why Carol had done so.

 

He had told her about Spock.

 

He was scared to try with her and she demanded to know why. He didn’t want anyone else to know about their liaison but at the end, she persuaded him to let the truth out. “Greetings,” Spock said before he dropped his hands to his sides.

 

“Alright,” Jim said before he glanced at the other ensign waiting for Carol at the entrance of the room. “You’ll start your work immediately. Ensign Harley will give you a tour of the ship.”

 

Carol smiled before she nodded. She then glanced at Spock before nodding at him. “Captain, Commander.” With that, she walked to the ensign and they walked out of the transporter room. Jim took in a deep breath, holding it in for a second before he let it all out. He glanced at the half-Vulcan and Spock looked at him back.

 

Silence matched from both ends a moment before Jim looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “Bridge,” Jim said as he walked past the half-Vulcan and out of the transporter room. Spock followed him and they didn’t speak until they were inside the turbo lift.

 

“It seems that Lieutenant Marcus and you have known each other beyond professional perimeters,” Spock said. Jim refused to look tense and all coiled up like how he was feeling at the moment. Instead, he nodded, verbalising his agreement wasn’t the best choice for now.

 

After a beat, Jim finally spoke, “Yeah, we go back two years ago,” Jim said. “She was—you know she was different. She was nice. She was important to me, Spock.”

 

He clamped his mouth closed when he let that bit of information out. He didn’t look at the Vulcan but he knew something once again changed between them. Silence rung out loudly before Spock walked out of the turbo lift. “I see.”

 

Jim walked out with him, heading towards the bridge and to his captain chair. He didn’t respond to Spock in fear of what the half-Vulcan might have thought. Spock didn’t stand next to him either, instead, he walked to his station and resumed his duty as if nothing happened.

 

But Jim knew better.

 

***

 

Lying down on his bed, he stared at the ceiling. He blinked a few times, feeling the sleepless nights catching up to him once more. Insomnia had always been a close friend to him when he got too many things on his mind like tonight. He sighed as he sat up. He ran his fingers through his hair as his mind wandered out to why he felt slightly panicked when he told Spock what she meant to him.

 

His heart fluttered against his chest at the thought that Spock might actually care. But he shut it all down when he realised that that thought was illogical. Their once well-known connection died six years ago. Their pain might have been smoothed out throughout time but it still left scars.

 

Scars that neither of them were willing to forget just yet.

 

But Carol was another scar in him. Maybe it was a lighter scar but it was still a scar. She still carved a spot in his heart before she left him. He glanced at the bathroom door and wondered what Spock was doing at the moment. Suddenly, there it was that familiar hollow feeling in his heart.

 

Jim had felt the emptiness before. He had felt it whenever he had an argument with Spock and he had felt it when he left Spock six years ago. He didn’t like what his heart was yearning for now. They were just getting back to being normal and now his heart was acting up again. He shook his head as he got out of bed, heading to his closet.

 

Wearing nothing but his black regulations pants and shirt, he walked out of his quarters. He ended up wandering to the Rec room. He walked inside before he looked around to notice that there wasn’t anyone around here.

 

He walked slowly to one of the empty seats and sat down, wishing he knew what to do. Just then, the doors opened and someone walked in. Jim glanced at the person before he realised who it was. Her eyes caught his from across the room before she smiled at him. Jim smiled back at her as she walked towards him. She then proceeded to sit down in front of him.

 

“Hey,” he said and she nodded.

 

“What are you doing up so late?” Carol asked. Her eyebrows furrowed deep when he chuckled dryly. “Nightmares?”

 

“No,” he said as he continued to smile at her. “Just can’t sleep.”

 

“Hm,” she said. “You’re looking slightly thinner from the last time I saw you, you know.”

 

“That’ll be Bones’s fault,” Jim said, already feeling like they were never apart. Carol laughed, her bright laugh lightened his mood. “He keeps me in these weird diets.”

 

“I say it’s working if losing weight is his goal,” she said and Jim mocked out a scowl.

 

“Are you saying I was fat before this?”

 

“Oh, no, no,” she said before she rolled her eyes. “Probably you had baby fat.”

 

“Well,” Jim said before he leered and leaned in close to her. “You weren’t complaining.”

 

He took in the satisfaction when her cheeks reddened. “Oh, Jim,” she said touching her chest. “You haven’t changed at all, have you?”

 

Jim settled back to his chair and sighed. “Not really,” he said before he grinned.

 

Silence then settled in between them a second when they had nothing else to say. Jim then cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “So, how’s your first day here?” he asked. Carol hummed out a response before she placed her chin on her right palm, gazing up to him. He noticed she was calculating him and raised his eyebrows in retaliation.

 

“It was fine,” Carol said. “In fact, this was the best ship I had the privilege to serve for, Jim.”

 

Jim felt a surge of pride working in his heart before he nodded. “They’re amazing, Carol.”

 

“They are,” Carol said, sighing a bit. “But Commander Spock.”

 

“Spock?” Jim quipped up at the name, wondering what was going on now. “What about him?”

 

“He’s always so serious, isn’t he?” she said. “No fun, all work.”

 

“He’s a Vulcan, Carol,” Jim deadpanned.

 

“I know,” Carol said. “But from the way you described about him—”

 

“Carol,” Jim stopped her. “Is that why you’re here? To see if there’s something still to reconcile between him and me?”

 

She remained silent before she shook her head. “Jim, you know what I am. But it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. We had something, but—Jim, did you expect me to believe you when you said that what we had was the best thing that ever happened to you?”

 

“Carol, what does that even mean?” he asked, sounding confused. “Of course what happened between us was the best thing—”

 

“The Commander was the best thing that ever happened to you,” she said, cutting him off with a warm smile. “I happen to be the second best thing.”

 

Jim remained quiet before he broke his eye contact and looked away. He took in a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter now,” Jim said. “We’re—there’s still pain from what happened six years ago, Carol. He didn’t even forgive me for hurting him yet.”

 

“And what about you?” she asked.

 

“I might have forgiven him,” Jim said. “Maybe I haven’t. I don’t know.”

 

“But you have forgotten about him, didn’t you?”

 

“I did,” Jim confessed. “But only a little while. And then I’m back here again and, God, Carol, he was here. He’s my First Officer. It was bumpy, Carol. But—we’ve managed to work it out somehow.”

 

Carol nodded but there was something in her eyes. “Does he know about us?”

 

“No,” Jim said automatically. “And—I don’t think he should.”

 

“I know,” Carol said before she patted his hand. “I love you, Jim. You know that, right?”

 

Jim felt the small prickling sensation working in his heart before he grabbed onto her hand and laced their fingers. He caressed their hands and smiled, looking at her in the eyes. “I love you too, and I hope you know that.”

 

She glowed brightly but there was still nothing special in them anymore.

 

And he didn’t even notice that someone else had walked into the Rec room halfway through their conversation. It didn’t matter though because the said person left immediately after.

 

***

 

Spock was standing next to his chair, reviewing the reports before he handed the PADD over to Jim for affirmation. Jim noticed the way Spock held the PADD. It was tight and it seemed tensed. However, the captain knew better than to point that out so he took the PADD without a word and checked it before he signed his signature on it.

 

Handing it back to Spock, his eyes drifted briefly over to his First Officer’s face. The half-Vulcan didn’t bother to look at him instead he took his PADD went away from the bridge. Probably to check on his experiments or the officers who were under his supervision.

 

Jim looked away from the half-Vulcan. He wondered briefly why Spock looked tense today. He didn’t bother to ponder it for too long. Instead, he shrugged it off and guessed he would inquiry about it later. His shift ended once again without anything exciting happening and even though he knew he shouldn’t have wished for something horrible to happen, the boredom inside of him was bubbling.

 

He walked into the mess hall, already at the replicator for his food. Then, he searched for an empty seat. He spotted Spock talking to Carol. He walked closer to them and he stopped a few steps away when he realised that something was wrong. Carol’s shoulders were hunched and she had an emotionless mask on her face meanwhile Spock had his hands behind his back and almost displeased expression played on his features.

 

Carol nodded to whatever Spock said before she took back the PADD. Then, she turned around and she caught his eyes. Jim frowned when she looked away and scurried off, just emitting a tiny ‘Captain’ under her breath. Spock walked to his table and sat down, his food tray in front of him.

 

Jim walked up to Spock before sitting in front of him, placing the tray of food on the table. “Hey,” Jim said as Spock looked up from his tray.

 

“Captain,” Spock said.

 

“What was that about?” he questioned slowly. Spock looked at Jim for a moment before he raised his eyebrows.

 

“To what are you referring to, Captain?” he asked. Jim searched the half-Vulcan’s face before he rolled his eyes.

 

“You know what,” Jim said. “With Carol. What’s that about?”

 

Spock’s jaw clicked tight and Jim didn’t know what he did to have caused Spock to be pissed off. Though, whatever it was, Jim didn’t want this fragile thing between them to collapse because of it. Before he could apologise, Spock had huffed out his breath. “I apologise,” Spock said. “I did not mean to act oblivious.”

 

Jim took the apology in before he nodded. Now, he was confused. Spock rarely apologised and even that, it was never in public. “Spock,” Jim started. “What’s wrong with Carol?”

 

“It was just a mistake in her reports,” Spock said quickly. His voice however was blank and Jim didn’t like the sound of it. He knew Spock was always serious when it came to his work. Jim knew Carol would not get any special treatment even if she once knew Jim like the back of her hand.

 

Everything was professional here on the Enterprise and people like Spock lived to make sure they stayed that way. So, Jim didn’t question it much. It was just the tone the half-Vulcan used that had Jim alarmed. “Was it that bad?” he asked. “Maybe it was a careless mistake.”

 

“I believe that is not what we practise here, Captain,” Spock said, his eyes staring right into Jim’s blue ones. “I do not believe either that it is wise of you to defend her mistakes.”

 

“I’m not, Spock,” Jim said softly, knowing he was being defensive of her. “But we’re Human. We’re not—”

 

“I do believe I know the Humans capability well, Captain,” Spock said sharply, cutting him off. Jim’s eyebrows climbed his forehead at the sudden change of tone.

 

“Okay,” Jim said awkwardly. “I’m not accusing you of not knowing anything about the Human species, Spock. I’m just saying that even I make mistakes. She looked like she was about to cry.”

 

Spock remained quiet but his shoulders were rigid and strong. “Have I done something wrong by correcting her mistakes, Captain?” he asked. Jim simply shook his head. “Then why am I being lectured as if I did?”

 

“Spock,” Jim said. “I was just asking.”

 

Spock looked away before he nodded. Silence washed in before Spock said, “I apologise once more. It seems that lack of meditation had caused me to become tense today. If you’ll excuse me.”

 

Before Jim could say anything, Spock got up, grabbed his tray and walked away. The blond-haired man just watched the half-Vulcan until he disappeared from his sight. This was weird. Spock rarely acted so out of composure before. Jim looked back to his tray of food and pushed the plastic tray away from him.

 

He pondered on what just happened. Carol looked like she was about to cry and as much as Jim knew he should keep it professional, there was still some lingering protectiveness inside of him. What confused him was the way Spock went tense when he asked him about it. He wasn’t trying to lecture Spock.

 

He was confident that the half-Vulcan knew what he was doing when he corrected Carol. But that didn’t mean Spock got the same message. He sighed as he looked back at the doors.

 

***

 

He didn’t say anything about the weird atmosphere whenever Carol and Spock ended up in the same room. Jim would simply brush it off as some first-impression-gone-wrong thing. Usually things like that would get resolved without him butting in.

Carol was looking through her PADD while she ate her food and Jim watched her silently. She then glanced up from her work and caught his eyes before her eyebrows shot up. “What?” she asked, placing the PADD next to her.

 

Jim shook his head before he took in a deep breath. “You’re just so busy lately,” he said slowly. Carol gave him a smile.

 

“What’s the real question, Jim?” she asked as she pushed her tray of food away from her.

 

Jim remained quiet, wondering if he should ask. But at the end, his curiosity won out. “You and Spock, you guys are alright, right?”

 

Carol’s eyebrows stayed high on her forehead. “Spock? Well, yeah,” she said as if she was honestly confused. “He’s excellent at what he does. He makes sure everything is perfect.”

 

The blond-haired man nodded at her words. “Okay,” he said before he settled back in his chair. She eyed him suspiciously.

 

“What?” she demanded. “What’s going on now, Jim?”

 

“Nothing!” he said defensively.

 

“Really?” she asked sceptically. Jim remained quiet before he huffed out.

 

“I’m just wondering what’s with the tense atmosphere between you two every time you both are in the same room,” he blurted out. Carol’s eyebrows dropped and her smile dimmed. That set off alarm bells in his head.

 

“Nothing,” she said before she looked away. “Just you know, first impression didn’t go so well.”

 

“Is that all, Carol?” he asked slowly. “If he’s—”

“He’s being professional, Jim,” she said, her eyes meeting his. “We’re being professional. Nothing is wrong.”

 

“You look like you’re about to cry, Carol,” Jim said finally. “What was I supposed to think?”

 

“It’s normal,” she said as she smiled at him. “He’s a Vulcan. He thinks what I’m doing is wrong. So, he corrects me. That’s all. I’m disappointed at myself sometimes but that’s it. He’s not bad at all.”

 

Jim could hear something else behind her words but he didn’t question her further. He simply nodded before she sighed and stood up. “I should get back to work. Captain.”

 

“Yeah,” he said as he nodded his consent. “I’ll see you around.”

 

She gave him a grin before she nodded.

 

***

 

He was on his way to his quarters when Uhura stopped him at the hallway. Her eyes were sharp and a frown marked on her lips. “Captain,” she started. “Can I speak to you in private?”

 

Jim blinked at her before he nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “And we’re off duty, Uhura.”

 

She glanced at him before she turned around and started to walk away from him. He took that as a cue for him to follow. After a few minutes, they ended up in the meeting room, where she took in a deep breath and stared into his blue eyes.

 

“I heard about it,” she said. Jim raised his eyebrows at her general statement.

 

“Heard about what?”

 

“About you and Carol,” she said. Jim immediately went tense. His lips thinned and he narrowed his eyes at her.

 

“What do you mean, Uhura,” he said slowly.

 

She rolled her eyes before she cocked her hips to the side and crossed her arms against her chest. “Are you and Carol together?”

 

Jim was stunned at the question. He didn’t know how to respond to that as he continued to stare at her. “What?” he questioned confused. “What do you mean—how did you even—”

 

“Are you, Jim?” she questioned, her eyes didn’t waver from that sharp gaze. “Are you two dating?”

 

“No!” he said quickly. “No, I’m not dating her. I won’t date my own crewmember. What did you take me for, Uhura?”

 

Uhura shook her head slowly before she took in a deep breath. “Some people already assumed you and Carol Marcus are together, Jim.”

 

“What?” Jim asked. “Who?”

 

“I don’t know,” she said, sarcasm dripping from her words. “The entire crew?”

 

Jim took a step back from the sudden revelation. “That’s ridiculous. Uhura, I’m not dating her.”

 

“Well, you tell me now,” she said.

 

“I’m not,” Jim said sharply. He felt like a five-year-old all of a sudden denying he had a crush on someone.

 

Uhura remained quiet as she calculated him. After a second, she nodded, seemingly satisfied with his answers. Jim raised his eyebrows at her as she took a step forward. “Okay,” she said. She opened her mouth to say something else but it seemed like she didn’t think it was a good idea and closed her mouth. With that, she smiled tiny.

 

Jim furrowed his eyebrows as she walked away from him. What the hell was happening here?

 

The entire crew thought he and Carol were together? If it was a year ago, maybe that was true but he didn’t do anything or treat her any special now to warrant such thoughts. He sighed before he rubbed his face.

 

Just then, a thought occurred to his mind. Did Spock thought they were together too? He felt the sudden panic wash into him. Confusion followed suit immediately. Why should he care what Spock thought about them both together? Spock and him weren’t together like that anymore.

 

He took in a deep breath as he wondered when his life got so complicated.

 

***

 

Another mission passed, another report was written, another part of his body ended up sore. He sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck as he walked down the hallways. He was given a day off from all of his hectic schedule and usually, Jim wouldn’t just take it without any fuss.

 

But lately, he felt exhausted, mentally and physically and possibly emotionally as well. The fragile string between Spock and he wasn’t going to last very long, he could feel it and it scared him. Something was in the way again. Something was poisoning that little fragile thing between the two of them.

 

The question remained though. What was Jim going to do about it?

 

Was he going to once again let Spock slip away from his fingers?

 

Some part of him thought it would be a good idea. To let Spock go and stop holding onto him. The pain they had gathered when they were together was deep and red. It was tainted in their deepest part of their minds. No matter how long it would take, this scar would not heal.

 

Carol kept on glancing at him whenever he caught her eyes. She would give him a smile, a comforting one as if she knew what he was thinking about. And it soothed him from within that she was still strong beside him. The emptiness inside of his heart started to grow.

 

Memories of what Spock and he were once started flashing through his mind every time he closed his eyes. The longing feeling started to return and fear crawled back with it. It was as if he was back to six years ago. He was back to the Jim Kirk who was still hopelessly in love with the half-Vulcan.

 

He stopped dead in his tracks at the thoughts.

 

It was impossible to pursue anything more though. He chided himself as he continued to walk. What they had was beautiful. They could always start a fresh but the memories would always stop them from going further than what they had now.

 

The doors to the turbo lift opened and he looked up to meet with the familiar dark orbs. It had been a while since Spock and he really talked as well. Ever since Carol joined their crew, there was something in between that stopped them. Every time Jim tried to talk to Spock, the half-Vulcan would push him away.

 

It hurt slightly to know that maybe, Spock didn’t want him anymore. Not even as his Captain. “Captain,” Spock greeted and Jim looked away, giving him a small nod. He joined Spock in the turbo lift. Silence matched on both ends for a minute before he felt Spock shifting from next to him. “Captain, I wish to apologise.”

 

Jim glanced at Spock before furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. “You don’t have anything to apologise for, Spock.”

 

“It seems however I do,” Spock insisted.

 

“I don’t know why you’re apologising though,” Jim said before he looked at the half-Vulcan in the eyes. Spock looked back before he nodded.

 

“I have been cold and unresponsive for two point three days towards you, Captain and for that I believe I owe you an apology,” Spock explained quickly. Jim searched his face before he gave his First Officer a smile.

 

“We’ve all been busy, Spock,” he reasoned before he walked out of the turbo lift, heading to the mess hall.

 

Spock followed him closely. “Indeed,” Spock said but there was it again, that something odd in his voice. Jim didn’t bother asking about it just yet. After grabbing their respective trays of food, they picked an empty table and sat down. Jim stared at his First Officer for a second before he took in a deep breath.

 

“Everything’s fine, right?” he asked slowly. Spock looked up from his tray of food. He searched Jim’s face before he placed down his fork.

 

“Indeed?” he said. “Is there something not acceptable, Captain?”

 

“No,” Jim said immediately. “Everything’s fine. I’m just making sure—you think that way too.”

 

Spock remained quiet for a second before Jim saw the realisation dawning on the half-Vulcan. His lips thinned immediately. Jim had to make sure he had seen it correct before he heard Spock speak. “You are talking about Lieutenant Carol Marcus’s progress.”

 

“Not in particular,” Jim said. “I’m just wondering how you’re dealing with her.”

 

“She is as what the records stated,” Spock said after a second. “She is exceptional in her work.”

 

It seemed like Spock had only good things to say about her so Jim took that as a good sign. And then, he thought of something. “Spock, about the rumours,” Jim started. He didn’t know why he wanted to clear this up with the half-Vulcan but it seemed like he wouldn’t be able to rest unless he did.

 

“Rumours, Captain?” Spock questioned.

 

“Yeah, the rumours,” Jim said slowly. Jim started to wonder if Spock ever heard of them. If he didn’t then Jim didn’t want to bring it up. It was irrelevant to say more. But then Spock sat straighter and his eyes were slightly dimmer and Jim knew that Spock knew what the rumour was about. The Captain bit his inner cheek before he opened his mouth. “It’s not true.”

 

Spock looked at him and Jim knew that he was searching for the truth. Jim shook his head and smiled at the half-Vulcan. “The rumour,” Jim said. “It’s not true. Carol and I are not like that. We—we were once but we aren’t like that anymore.”

 

Silence washed in between them and Jim waited for Spock to say something, anything really. “It is,” Spock started. “None of my business Captain with who you had romantic liaison with.”

 

The blond-haired man’s smile dimmed. He knew that Spock was right. Whatever that was happening in his life wasn’t Spock’s business anymore. He nodded at the half-Vulcan though he felt the emptiness inside of him grew at the reply. Jim knew that both of them were being defensive of one another. They were walking on eggshells around each other.

 

Jim didn’t want his heart to hurt and Spock didn’t want his trust to bruise.

 

They were both trying to protect themselves but that didn’t mean Jim liked this feeling. Their simple dynamic string between them disappeared six years ago. He didn’t know how to drag it back out there so they could get over this. There were too many variables to consider.

 

But Jim knew one thing for sure—he still cared for Spock.

 

More than just his working partner. He cared for Spock more than just his co-worker. He cared for Spock like he always did, like Spock had always been important to him. That was all he could do to try and make it up to Spock for hurting him. The words died in his mouth. He wondered how Spock would react if he told the half-Vulcan about what he felt at the moment.

 

Would Spock leave him?

 

Would he acknowledge that he felt the same way?

 

“I know,” Jim said and he could feel how hollow he sounded. He looked down to his tray and nodded. “Just putting it out there so you don’t misunderstand.”

 

Spock didn’t say anything and they were back to the silence.

 

After the wonderful times they had been together, silence was now their closest friend.

 

***

 

Their silence wasn’t going to be permanent. Destiny didn’t want them to keep hiding in the shadows of their own hurt. Destiny decided that once enough was enough, that it was time to open a new chapter in their lives whether they liked it or not.

 

It had been four months since Carol had joined the Enterprise crew. Things gradually settled down and moved along smoothly. Well, as smoothly as it could be when there was something else now in between them. Jim tried to navigate through the weirdness; both of them tried to get moving on.

 

Slowly, it worked.

 

It started off with chess, like usual, Jim thought. Soon, it ended up as Wednesday Chess Night for them where every time their shift ended, they would head to for dinner together and then play a game of chess at the Rec room before retiring for the night.

 

Jim knew it was hard to move on from what they were but it had to be done. It had to be done and he knew Spock was holding onto the same sentiment. It was awkward at first with how Jim wanted to try and spend some time with his First Officer after work. Jim was secretly afraid that it would send out the wrong signals.

 

But Spock suddenly one day agreed and after that day, things started to improve for them. Their once talk about their past relationship was out there in the open, it was just the matter whether they wanted to pick it up and resume or—forget and live on.

 

It soon faded to the back of their minds by the time the sixth month approached.

 

It was as if this was it, this was what they needed from the moment they had rediscovered each other after six years. Their awkward dynamic relationship slowly started to mould back together, even if it was as slowly as it could be moulded.

 

“Spock’s birthday,” Jim muttered to himself one day. He had woken up in the morning for Alpha shift when he realised what date it was. To be honest, Jim never forgot any details about Spock even if they tragically ended six years ago. For the past few months since the awkwardness it all, it finally felt like Jim was beginning to relearn who the real Spock was—

 

Relearn the Spock that he fell in love with from six years ago.

 

It was funny now how foolish and guilty they both had been with each other. He took in a deep breath. What was he supposed to give to Spock? He promised himself that he would not assume anything anymore, he wasn’t going to mess up whatever they both had now. Let it be only friendship, let it only stay this way—it was more than enough for him.

 

He touched his chest when he felt the familiar longing lodging itself in his heart. He shook the thoughts away as he moved around his quarters, getting ready for his day.

 

***

 

Alpha shift was quiet and efficient, as always. But Jim couldn’t really focus when he kept on glancing at Spock. The half-Vulcan quietly worked on his work. He glanced at Uhura’s station and she was busy with her own work as well. He looked back to the main viewer for a few seconds before he sighed and stood up.

 

“Spock, you have the conn,” he said before he walked to the turbo lift. He could feel the half-Vulcan’s stare at the back of his head. But he didn’t look back instead he waited until the doors of the turbo lift closed shut before he relaxed. It was Spock’s birthday today and he didn’t know what to give to his First Officer.

 

This would be the first time he did anything nice—or thoughtful for the half-Vulcan after six years. He bit his bottom lip before he recalled a conversation he had with Spock from six years ago. Spock always wanted to taste Vulcan Spice Tea, exactly like how it was made from where he came from, Vulcan. Not the replicator taste, but the ones from his world.

 

He frowned at the thought. How was he supposed to get the spices from there? He hummed at the thought for a second before he realised that maybe he could pre-order some and when they head for the next star base later on, he would pick them up there.

 

The nervousness suddenly crawled into him as he realised something. What if Spock didn’t want this anymore? The doors of the turbo lift opened and Jim walked out, heading to his quarters. These six months, they talked—they tried to navigate through their hurt and distrust. It was working when he started to see how Spock’s guards dropped slowly and Jim found himself once again trying to trust Spock.

 

But did Spock forgive him?

 

Jim felt his heart ache slightly at the thought that the half-Vulcan might never really would forgive him. He sighed at the thought as he walked into his quarters. But he had to try, he told himself. He needed to see if there was anything more to salvage. What happened was a misunderstanding that was left unresolved for so long.

 

The door to his quarters closed shut as he headed to the comm. He sat down in front of the blank screen and took in a deep breath.

 

He was going to try and get Spock to forgive him and this was the start.

 

***

 

It had been a few days since then. Jim had kept this present a secret and they had stopped by Star Base 6 two days ago. The present was in his quarters and Jim was feeling slightly jittery at the thought that he was supposed to give that to Spock.

 

The half-Vulcan simply gave him a raised eyebrow every time Jim met his eyes. He took in a deep breath when finally, Jim decided to try and end this awkwardness with this peace offering. No, it wasn’t just a peace offering. It was a sign that he cared.

 

It was Wednesday and as usual, it was Chess Night. He walked into the Rec room quietly and noticed that the room wasn’t filled with so many people. It was as if destiny decided to get them alone. Jim cursed at this so called destiny but thanked it at the same time. He was nervous inside as he walked to the table with the parcel in his hands.

 

He sat down on the chairs and placed the parcel on his lap, looking at it for a second. Just then, Spock walked into the Rec room. Jim looked up and smiled at Spock, hoping he didn’t look terrified. Spock nodded at Jim before he went to the table. He sat in front of Jim and the already set-up tri-D chess.

 

“Captain,” he said. Jim still knew it was hard for Spock to use his name. It was the only barrier at the moment from them being closer. Jim however didn’t demand or ask for more. He simply nodded at Spock. It was enough for now to see how relaxed Spock was in his presence.

 

After the rumour cleared away about him and Carol, Spock started to become even more relaxed. It was if something was lifted from his world and he looked much more approachable. Jim took the chance to do that. He drummed the parcel on his lap before he looked at the tri-D chess. “Let’s start?”

 

Spock eyed him for a second before he nodded. With that, he started the game first. Jim played for a few minutes before his mind got side tracked with the presence of the parcel on his lap. Silence washed in between them a few minutes before Jim decided that he should do this.

 

So, he took in a deep breath and looked at the half-Vulcan in his eyes. “Spock,” he started.

 

“Captain,” Spock greeted back as he glanced up from the tri-D chessboard to Jim. The blond-haired man exhaled before he placed the parcel on the table and gently pushed it to Spock. The half-Vulcan eyed the parcel before he looked at Jim. The captain knew that his First Officer was slightly confused. “Captain?”

 

“Happy Birthday, Spock,” Jim said. A stunned silence filled the room as Spock went rigid. “I mean, I knew your birthday was—a few days ago and I didn’t have anything to give to you back then. So, I didn’t think just a Happy Birthday was going to be enough. So, I—got you this.”

 

“Captain—”

 

 

“And I know that Vulcans don’t celebrate birthdays,” Jim cut him off as he firmly looked at Spock in the eyes. “But—it doesn’t mean I won’t for you.”

 

Spock went silent for a second before he gently grabbed onto the parcel. “You did not seem to express the same notion six point four years ago,” Spock commented. Jim felt the guilt washing into him.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I—”

 

“I did not mean it that way,” Spock said quickly, looking at him in the eyes. Jim stared at him back for a while before he nodded curtly. After a second, Spock opened the parcel and Jim saw the half-Vulcan freezing when he saw what contained in the parcel.

 

“I—I remembered, Spock,” Jim said slowly. “I remembered how much you wanted the real taste, not the replicator taste.”

 

“How—”

 

“It took me some connections,” Jim said as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “But I got it at the end.”

 

“This,” Spock started but his eyes were transfixed on the box. “This is a hard item to obtain in Vulcan.”

 

“Nothing’s hard for me, Spock,” Jim said as he laughed a bit. “Do you—do you like it?”

 

Spock looked at Jim and the blond-haired man found himself mesmerised at the amount of emotions playing in those dark orbs. It was as if he was back to when he first fell in love with this man here. His heart started to thump louder in his chest and something once again changed between them. Spock gave him—a smile.

 

A smile that he usually saw when he was with Spock. It was the same smile, it was the same warmth in those eyes—it was the same emotions playing in those eyes. Jim couldn’t see any more guarded emotions. It was as if it had disappeared and he felt like he was seeing the real Spock.

 

He felt his cheeks warming up and his mind growing slightly blank. “I am grateful for this gift,” Spock said. “I have been—missing—Vulcan. This would make me remember once more what my world felt like to me.”

 

Jim didn’t know how to respond to that. He opened his mouth to say something but all that came out from his mouth was, “You’re welcome, Spock.”

 

Did he really make Spock that happy?

 

For the whole night, everything from their past disappeared and died, all the pain and distrust flew out of the window. It was as if destiny decided that this was it. This was it—Jim thought. He felt his own heart healing faster than he thought it would. He ended up grinning wide before he repeated, “You’re welcome, Spock.”

 

For the first time in six years, he felt complete again.

 

***

 

“Huh, you and the hobgoblin are getting along well nowadays,” Bones commented as Jim had to do his physical today. Jim glanced at his best friend and hummed out a response. “And you’re—glowing, Jim.”

 

Jim felt something in him stuttering to a stop. _Glowing_? He looked at his best friend before he raised his eyebrows though it never looked as impressive as Bones’s or Spock’s eyebrows. “Bones, I look like I always do. Charming and heart throbbing.”

 

“Oh for the love of,” Bones muttered as he injected the hypospray harshly on Jim’s neck. The captain winced before he glared at the doctor. To be honest, ever since that night, something in them improved. Suddenly, there was as if nothing hindering between them from getting closer. However, the fear of that fragile trust breaking kept Jim away.

 

But his heart didn’t listen to him, Jim knew. Suddenly, he started dreaming of the nights he spent with Spock, the way he felt when he was with the half-Vulcan. It kept on bathing his thoughts and sometimes, it made him distracted. He started feeling different and he started noticing Spock even closer now.

 

He knew what this all meant. He wasn’t dumb. He knew what this all would lead to.

 

His mind and heart however seemed doubtful and loosened the screws that he used to shut his feelings off about the half-Vulcan. They were closer now, they were working better together now, they even started to develop an after-work relationship, but it was going to be just that, wasn’t it?

 

“You know what I mean, Jim,” Bones continued after checking Jim’s health and vital signs on the PADD. “You know exactly what I mean.”

 

“Bones,” Jim started. “Nothing is going on between Spock and—me, okay?”

 

“Have you forgotten what happened six years ago, Jim?” Bones asked with a sigh, rubbing his eyes. “It’s a bad idea.”

 

Jim felt slightly put off with the words but he knew Bones had his concerns. He knew that his best friend had a good reason stopping him. He knew that. So, he listened for this time. “I’m not—we’re not going to—Spock doesn’t see me that way anymore, Bones.”

 

Bones snorted at that. “Jim, I’m telling you this one last time,” he said as he looked at the captain in his blue eyes. “ _Don’t_ do it. You both had gone through this once. If it doesn’t work once, it won’t work twice.”

 

“Bones—”

 

“Just _listen_ to me this one time, Jim.”

 

Jim quietened down at the tone of his best friend. He felt something in him faltering and dying a second there. He looked away before he took in a deep breath and nodded. He knew he had to stop this. It didn’t work once—what made him want this for a second time?

Spock didn’t even forgive him yet, not as he was aware of. So, he nodded.

 

***

 

Jim knew where he stood at the moment with Spock. He was trying to break free from the chains of hurt and discomfort. That day, that boundary had been finally broken and moved past by. Spock started to open up a bit more and Jim started feeling like he was beginning to get closer to the half-Vulcan. The captain however still felt like he was threading in careful waters.

 

He didn’t want to upset Spock. He didn’t want to hurt him either. Not anymore, he told to himself. He was so young back then when he missed all the signs that Spock loved him back. There was some regret in his heart at the thought that he had let Spock go, but now, he was going to make sure the half-Vulcan knew that he was important to Jim.

 

As a First Officer—and as a friend.

 

But the thought still nagged him at the back of his mind. Did Spock see him the same way or did he still see Jim as his captain and co-worker—not worthy for a friend, just a past that had stepped back on his front porch? That thought made Jim frown as he shifted in his captain seat.

 

They were currently heading for a diplomatic mission, to talk to the ruler of _Haide_ planet. Their relationship was slowly being repaired until Jim could feel the difference, in himself and on Spock. The truth still remained that his heart quivered at the thought of resuming what they were once before.

 

It was a misunderstanding. They were hurt for six years because of a stupid misunderstanding that they didn’t even resolve. Jim steeled himself from trying to think how things would’ve been if they had talked about it six years ago. He felt something wilting inside of him at the thought that Spock wouldn’t probably give him a chance.

 

Jim abruptly stopped thinking at that thought.

 

 _What_ chance?

 

There wasn’t going to be a second time, Jim reminded himself. He touched his chest gently at the sudden wash of wariness inside of him. This felt weird. This felt— _familiar_. He still felt lonely. The hole in his heart was still big, still longed for someone to fill it up. Carol worked for a few moments and then, he was backtracked to Spock.

 

He sighed to himself.

 

Was he really heading there? He couldn’t deny that he felt special every time he was with the half-Vulcan but he realised how this feeling would eventually fade off. They would always start off so beautiful but later on, they would die and wither away. He didn’t want that.

 

“Captain?” Spock started and Jim looked up to the half-Vulcan. Spock was staring down on him and Jim could clearly see the confusion and maybe slight worry in those dark orbs. Something leaped in his chest at the fact that he couldn’t see any more shields in his eyes. Jim realised that there wasn’t anything holding Spock back from showing his true emotions.

 

Jim understood that he had maybe once again pierced through some layers of self-protection and had once more sheathed himself in the half-Vulcan’s heart or mind. It was—a different feeling for Jim to recognise that he had managed to do this yet again. And then, slight tremors of fear worked through his veins.

 

“Yes, Spock?” he asked as he tried to tamper down his feelings from showing in his eyes. Spock simply stared at him for a few seconds before he moved closer to the chair. That was a first, Jim thought in his mind.

 

“Is something the matter?” Spock asked. Jim licked his lips as his heart started to make fuss again. He knew he looked strung out. He knew that he was likely looking like someone who was caught doing something they shouldn’t. However, Jim smoothened out his features with a crooked grin.

 

“No, nothing’s wrong, Spock,” Jim said. The half-Vulcan simply stared at him for a few seconds as if he was deciding if Jim was telling the truth or not. The blond-haired man kept the eye-contact just for the heck of it before his First Officer nodded.

 

He knew that Spock was sceptical with his answer but Jim didn’t do anything else to object his previous statement. With that, Spock looked away and placed his hands behind his back. “If you say so, Captain,” he said.

 

“We’ll be arriving in three more minutes, Captain,” Sulu said, cutting Jim’s retort. The captain simply nodded and sat straighter in his seat. He immediately pushed away any thoughts about his feelings for Spock and decided to concentrate on the mission. He knew that they were going back to the way they used to be. Spock no longer hid his emotions, the quirk of his lips, his smiles, his frowns, his sarcastic retorts, they all came out so naturally now whenever he was alone with Jim.

 

And in response, Jim no longer tried to act scared. He was still careful but suddenly, his real self was showing through the layers of the past. Spock took notice of them, Jim knew, and he could see the pleasure in those orbs whenever Jim was being himself and it made his heart flutter all the time. At night when he was laying on his bed alone, he would find himself yearning for Spock.

 

But every time he came close to figuring out what his true feelings were for the half-Vulcan, he would shut down the whole thinking process in fear of his doubts confirming true. He didn’t think it would be useful if he found out that—what he suspected all this time was true. Spock was now older despite how he still looked like he did from six years ago and he was much more serious, much more matured. He was everything that Jim wasn’t.

 

The insecurities still lived vividly in Jim so he kept himself from going near that part of his mind.

 

But his subconscious mind never listened.

 

His heart never listened.

 

He was _screwed_.

 

“Good job, Sulu,” Jim said as he stood up from his chair. He needed to assemble the away team. He glanced at Spock and nodded. The half-Vulcan looked at him before he glanced around. With that, the command duo went ahead and assembled their away team consisting of Uhura, Spock and him.

 

Then, Jim took in a deep breath and handed the conn to Chekov.

 

***

 

Jim beamed down to the planet with his away team. He just took in a deep breath as he walked out from the beaming point. Spock followed him suit without any word. He just wanted to get this mission done and over with. He licked his lips before he looked around him. It was definitely a unique planet, he thought as he saw a group of the _Haides_ waiting for him. They had very pale green skin, almost like Vulcan’s. They also had piercing yellow eyes that made Jim felt slightly scared and intrigued at the same time.

 

The taller one of them stepped forward and Jim recognised him as the current leader of this planet. The captain simply smiled at the tall stick-figure. Uhura opened her mouth and rehearsed a few words in their language before she spoke to them. The leader stared at her a few seconds before he, Jim assumed, nodded.

 

The leader spoke back in their weirdly twisted language to Uhura. Uhura then smiled and nodded before she glanced at Jim. “Captain, they’re requesting to show you where we’ll be staying for the night.”

 

Jim blinked at the words before he nodded at her. He knew that he had to spend a night here before they could discuss whatever it was they needed to discuss with them tomorrow morning. He glanced at the half-Vulcan, asking for his advice. Spock simply looked at the leader before he looked at the two Humans. “I believe it is wise if we follow them and find out where we will be acquainted for tonight.”

 

“Alright then, lead us the way,” Jim said as he looked at Uhura. The Chief Communication Officer looked back at the leader and agreed to the request. With that, they started to move ahead, passing other stick-figured creatures and headed through a golden-based gate to a town.

 

Jim looked around him, assessing the situation as they continued on walking past the rest of the citizens here. They didn’t seem to mind that there was another creature different from theirs walking through their beloved town. It seemed like they had been used to these type of visits and Jim found it relaxing that they weren’t something to be stared at for once.

 

They walked into a building, a tall one if Jim had to describe it. They continued making their way in and Jim felt the sudden dash of coldness hitting him once they stepped inside. He glanced at Uhura and she seemed to have notice the slight change of temperature as well.

 

“It’s cold,” Jim muttered and Uhura nodded.

 

“It’s like—the room is air-conditioned,” she said and Jim wanted to scoff out loud because that was impossible. He had read in the reports, they hadn’t reached the twenty-first century mark yet. It was impossible to have them create a cooler this advanced. But then again, things might’ve changed along the way so Jim pushed that abnormality from his mind.

 

Spock however didn’t seem to feel any difference despite his skin being even more sensitive to temperature compared to Humans. “Vulcans handle the cold better compared to Humans,” Spock said as he looked at Uhura and Jim. The captain simply nodded though he envied that.

 

As they walked to a certain level, Jim realised that they were actually in a palace. This must be where the leader lived and they were being given a place to stay here, Jim mused mentally. Once they reached a hallway of doors, they stopped and the leader turned around to look at them. He started speaking and once again, Uhura listened attentively before she nodded and looked at the captain.

 

“They said they have two rooms now ready for us. He said he had learned the customs from our world and they had separated the rooms by genders. Can’t say I’m not impressed,” she said but there was something like worry lingering in her eyes. Jim took that in before he realised that he had to share a room with Spock.

 

He felt something stilling in his heart as he glanced at his First Officer. Spock however seemed unaffected. “Very well,” he said before he looked at Jim. “If it is no offence to share a room with me, Captain, we will be fine with this arrangement.”

 

“ _Fine_?” Jim blurted out before he clasped his lips tight. Spock seemed to have taken aback at the words and Jim noticed something wavering in those dark orbs. Oh no, Jim thought as he groaned mentally. “No, I mean,” he quickly took back what he said. “Fine.”

 

Uhura eyed him for a minute before she glanced at Spock. Jim knew she was asking the half-Vulcan if this was fine non-verbally. Spock simply glanced at her and gave her a barely unnoticeable nod. With that, she took in a deep breath before she looked at the leader and spoke her confirmation.

 

With that, the leader had his—workers—assembled the rooms for them. After that, it was just a blur of courtesy, smiles and nodding before the three of them parted ways to their own rooms. Jim walked into the room as Spock followed him. After a second, the door closed and Jim had to take in a deep breath.

 

 

He was mildly relieved that there were two beds—he assumed it was beds—instead of one. Why would they prepare one in the first place anyway, Jim’s mind chided him. Maybe he was slightly hopeful but that hope was immediately squashed down as soon as it entered his heart. He had to meet the leader tonight for a few points on what to be discussed tomorrow morning and have his dinner with them. He had brought Bones’s stash of hypospray in case he was allergic to any of the food here.

 

He was always allergic, he reminded himself. He just hoped there wouldn’t be any more episodes this time. Spock was silently looking at him before Jim turned around to aspect him. “Spock?” Jim asked once he realised that the half-Vulcan had not moved from the door and was staring at him with a weird expression.

 

“If it is uncomfortable for you to share a room with me, it would be wise if we ask them to arrange different rooms instead,” Spock said and the words sounded slightly sharp to Jim’s ears. The blond-haired man bit his inner cheek at being confronted this way. He hadn’t meant to act as if he didn’t want to be with Spock—but his heart had been acting weirdly these past few days and he didn’t want to complicate what they had.

 

“Spock,” Jim started as he looked at those dark orbs. “I’m fine. I didn’t mean it that way, okay?”

 

Spock remained quiet before his lips thinned. With that, the half-Vulcan took a step forward. “Jim,” he started. This changed between them as well. Sometimes, when they were alone, Spock would use his real name. It had been happening ever since the present—ever since Jim proved to Spock that he still cared. Though, now, Jim realised that his caring might be—extensive from the previous boundaries.

 

He felt slight panic washing into him at the realisation. Spock would never feel the same way—not after what happened six years ago. The pain would be even worse now if they started again and then ended abruptly. It would kill them both inside. It would destroy them. Jim felt his heart constricting at the thought. “Spock,” Jim stopped Spock before he said anything else. “I’m fine, okay?”

 

He gave Spock an easy smile despite his heart beating loudly against his chest. He felt the back of his neck heating up and the tips of his ears turning red as he felt the piercing gaze on him. Spock eyed him a few seconds longer than necessary before he looked away. Jim then noticed something like green-hue around the tips of the half-Vulcan’s ears.

 

His heart leaped out from his chest when he realised that Spock might be feeling flustered as he was at the moment. He took a step back, barely unnoticeable step, but still a step back at the fact. Could it be? But Jim didn’t want to have hope, he didn’t know why he was feeling like this all of a sudden and he didn’t want to hope, so he stashed away everything to the back of his mind.

 

“Unless,” Jim started and licked his lips. “You don’t want to do this.”

 

Spock looked at him from the corner of his eyes before he stood straighter. “It is never that,” Spock said and the words seemed to sound—slightly seductive. Jim didn’t know that Spock could sound like that. “It will never be that.”

 

“Okay,” Jim said as he felt his mind growing blank and his throat going dry. Spock quirked his lips upwards on what seemed like a smirk and Jim felt confusion washing into him. This was a new side to Spock, Jim thought as he felt something like a shiver running down his spine. He gave Spock a nervous smile and his face felt hot. “Okay.”

 

Spock nodded before he broke the eye contact. “Very well.”

 

***

 

The dinner was actually like a ball—or a party, Jim mused on as he walked into the room with his away team. Uhura hummed out a response as Spock simply kept his professionalism in check. Jim grinned widely at the fact that this wasn’t a boring dinner. Uhura scoffed at the look Jim was giving her.

 

“Jim,” she chided. “Captain.”

 

“What?” Jim asked but he knew that she didn’t mean it seriously. He simply shook his head and took a step forward when he saw the leader heading towards him. He was about to open his mouth when a voice spoke next to the leader.

 

“Welcome,” a woman spoke from next to the leader. Jim’s eyes darted from the leader to the woman, he assumed from the voice. Though she was beautiful, Jim thought as he stared at her. She was tall, not like a stick-figure at all, in fact, she seemed to have her own shape that made her beautiful. Her skin was still green and her eyes were still yellow, but there was something soft and feminine about it.

 

Jim knew that their species had different clans just like how Humans have different races. She might be a different race, he assumed.  “You speak Standard,” Uhura said and the woman looked at his Chief Communication Officer and gave her a smile.

 

“Yes,” she said though Jim could hear the accent. “I am a linguistic, a royal linguist.”

 

Jim beamed up at that. Great, now he could speak Standard like he was supposed to. “So, that’s great,” he said. “Let’s start then.”

 

“Indeed,” she said before she glanced at Jim and gave him a smile. It was the kind of smile Jim knew well, despite from who or where he got the smile from. He returned the smile with his own Jim Kirk’s smile and followed them to a long table.

 

Once seated down, the food was placed in front of them. At first look, Jim noted that they didn’t look particularly appetising. Though, to honour the leader, he gingerly took the first bite. It wasn’t bad, Jim said to himself. But it still tasted weird in his mouth. The slight tanginess was empowering the rest of the taste. Glancing at Uhura, she nodded at him.

 

So, this was how it was supposed to taste like.

 

“So, Captain James Kirk,” the woman spoke as Jim looked at her. He gave her his charming grin.

 

“Heard about me then, I presume,” he said though he tried to keep the automatic flirtatious tone from his words. The linguist seemed to smile seductively at him before she nodded.

 

“Yes, a lot indeed,” she said before she glanced at the leader. “But that isn’t why we are here, are we?”

 

“No, I believe we’re not,” Jim said. He felt Spock shifting in his seat and he glanced at the half-Vulcan. Spock however was staring at the woman, a weird expression was playing in his eyes. Jim had seen that face enough times to know that the half-Vulcan was calculating her in every aspect.

 

“Maybe later then,” she said and Jim had to refrain himself from tensing. He knew what she was trying to imply. Uhura cleared her throat, a frown marked her lips as she glanced at Jim. The captain simply ignored her and kept his grin wide at the woman.

 

Before he could respond, Uhura had taken the action to cut them off and continue on for the real reason they were here. Jim was secretly thankful for the distraction and followed the flow of the conversation. Spock however simply had been tense the whole time. He didn’t speak and he didn’t offer any opinion unless the question or suggestion was aimed at him.

 

Jim didn’t ponder on it though. His heart simply took that as a sign that Spock was— _no_. It wasn’t true, Jim told himself. It would never be true, not now.

 

The discussion continued.

 

***

 

Once the dinner-discussion was over, the leader had excused himself. Jim simply nodded at the leader as he lingered around the place, taking in the interior design. Spock had disappeared a few moments ago unsure to where, just with a simple ‘to check the perimeter, Captain’ and left. Jim felt jittery sitting next to Spock.

 

The half-Vulcan had been tense the whole night and Jim didn’t know if he should be worried or not. Did he do something wrong? Somehow, Jim didn’t think that the reason Spock was tense was because of him. He wasn’t particularly comfortable with how the linguist was flirting with him either—giving hints about her thoughts after dinner, preferably him alone with her and a bed.

 

He usually would go for it. Hey, he was a man with needs but with Spock next to him, with how his feelings were acting lately, all desire left him. He didn’t want to do it. He wasn’t— _interested_. He took in a deep breath and released it.

 

Just then, he felt someone tapping on his shoulder. He turned around and caught the yellow eyes. “Hi,” she said as she smiled up to him. Jim felt the uneasiness creeping back into his heart. However, he didn’t show it on his face and simply smiled at her back. He didn’t want to offend her and cause a diplomatic change because of this.

 

It happened once.

 

He was never going to do the same mistake twice.

 

Even if he didn’t make the mistake and the captain he was working for before this did.

 

Still—

 

“Hi,” he said with his own crooked smile. “What can I do for you?”

 

She took a step forward, her fingers touching his right arm as she slid them down to his elbow. “Oh, nothing, just want a little—chat.”

 

Jim was mildly uncomfortable now with her hints. The blond-haired man simply tried to take his arm away from her grasp without offending her. She however gripped his elbow tight once she realised what he was trying to do and smiled wider at him. “Don’t you want a chat with me?”

 

“Ah, well,” Jim said as he forced out an easy chuckle. “I would love to. But—”

 

“But?” she asked as she took a step forward, crowding his personal space. He then smelled something sweet coming from her, as if she was bathed in perfume. It made him feel hot around his body and it didn’t take long for Jim to realise that she was emitting pheromones.

 

This was bad.

 

“I don’t think we should,” Jim finally said as he slowly pried her fingers off of him. She seemed to be slightly put off at the words.

 

“Why?” she asked as she placed her free hand on his chest. “Are you—not available?”

 

His heart stuttered at the words. Immediately the image of Spock entered his mind and he had to take a few seconds to not end up hyperventilating right there and then. He didn’t know why he felt this way—he felt attached to Spock that way because in reality they weren’t. But he could feel the yearning to be and this scared him. Before he could make up an excuse to get out of there, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

 

“I believe the captain is not interested in any unorthodox methods of courtship,” Spock’s voice rung out with certainty as the grip on Jim’s shoulder tightened slightly. Before he could do anything else, he was pulled away from her personal space until he was standing next to Spock. The grip on his shoulder then dropped as Spock straightened himself and stared at the woman.

 

The linguist frowned as she said, “Unorthodox? That is rude!”

 

Jim just gave her a fleeting smile to calm her down. “I’m just not interested. I’m sorry.”

 

She stared at him for a few seconds before her eyes flickered to Spock. Jim tensed visibly when he saw the look of realisation in her yellow eyes. Then, she nodded, her frown morphed into a small smile. “Oh, I didn’t know,” she said as she took a step back. “Please forgive me.”

 

Jim opened his mouth to deny it but Spock had cut him first. “I believe your apology is noted. If you would excuse us, we are to retire early for tomorrow’s meeting.”

 

She nodded as she eyed them both one last time and walked away. Jim was left there looking stunned at what just happened. He then looked at Spock and opened his mouth to speak. “Spock?”

 

“I shall head to our room first, Captain,” Spock said as he turned around and walked away from Jim. The blond-haired man’s eyes narrowed at the retreating back. He knew what he had witnessed just now. He knew what Spock did. But the question remained—why?

 

It could be that the half-Vulcan did so because he wanted to save his captain from distress but then again, there was something else mixed in his voice when he had spoken to her. The tone he used was sharp, deadly and possibly dangerous if Jim heard it carefully. It was as if—he was being territorial.

 

But that was impossible, Jim chided as the hope in his heart started to bloom. Why was he feeling this way? He knew the main reasons as to why but he couldn’t fathom as to— _why_ he was being drawn back into this mess once more.

 

***

 

 

Jim entered the room a little while later. He closed the door and took in a deep breath when he caught Spock sitting on the bed, working something on his PADD. Jim licked his lips as he walked into the room a bit more before he stopped. “Uhm, thanks.”

 

Spock looked up from his PADD to Jim. “I believe you do not owe me gratitude.”

 

“No, really, thanks,” Jim said as he scratched the back of his neck. Spock eyed him for a second before he nodded.

 

“You are welcome.”

 

Silence washed in between them as Jim shuffled from one foot to the other. His heart once again picked up speed as he bit his inner cheek. God, he was acting like a fifteen-year-old with a massive crush on a girl. He dropped his hand to his sides before he walked to his bed and sat at the edge. Spock looked at him for a few seconds before he went back to his PADD.

 

Jim glanced at him and took in how Spock looked at the moment. He was so focused and at some point—Jim saw a bit of a child in the half-Vulcan. The blond-haired man couldn’t help but to smile gently at the image. He could now clearly see the Spock he knew from six years ago here. It made his heart flutter at the thought that he could once again see that side of the half-Vulcan.

 

“I thought—you were gone,” Jim said out loud accidentally. Spock immediately looked up from his PADD to Jim, his eyebrows raised in a manner of confusion. Jim’s eyes widened at what he had said and closed his mouth, though his eyes caught the dark orbs.

 

“Gone, Captain?” Spock asked and Jim felt the heat crawling back to his face. God, he was such an idiot! He licked his lips and tried to salvage the situation. He could simply shake his head and say it was nothing. He could get up and leave. There were so many things he could do and yet—he chose to speak. Stupid, _stupid_ Jim!

 

“Yeah, gone,” Jim said as his voice dimmed and his eyes flickered away. “I thought I wouldn’t get to see this side of you anymore after what I’ve done to you.”

 

Stunned silence washed in before he heard Spock sitting up straighter. “Jim.”

 

“I mean, it seemed like for a second, I lost you for good,” Jim continued.

 

“Jim,” Spock said and stopped Jim from speaking anything more. The blond-haired man looked at Spock, wondering what the half-Vulcan could possibly want with him anymore. “It is not only me who had been hurt. I have done—equally or worse decisions on my part to contribute to our ended liaison six point five years ago.”

 

Jim kept quiet as he searched for something—anything in Spock’s eyes. His heart glowed a bit in his chest when he found the sincerity in those eyes. “I’m sorry,” Jim whispered under his breath. Spock looked at him and he saw a gentle quirk of those lips upwards, forming a rare smile. Jim’s breath hitched at his throat at the look. It was rare to see Spock being so careless of his emotions.

 

“You do not need to apologise as I am as well at fault. However, for that, I apologise as well.”

 

The silence after that was comfortable and Jim let the conversation die.

 

They didn’t speak for the rest of the night and when Jim finally rested his head on the pillow, he realised that his heart had taken the initiative to feel safe and calm whenever Spock was close to him. His mind started to drag in every memory he had shared with Spock and made his heart ache for the same want he had six years ago.

 

He didn’t bother to entertain the thoughts though. He didn’t think it would be wise to realise that he was heading in that direction once more. At the end, it was all just about being friends and nothing more. Jim couldn’t take anything more. He didn’t want to let whatever beautiful thing they would have later die again.

 

Never again.

 

***

 

The meeting went on fine the next morning. After last night, Spock acted as if nothing major happened. Jim just took that in and followed Spock’s ignorance. Soon, the mission ended in success and Jim was back on board the ship. He was finally back in his quarters, relaxing himself with a sonic shower.

 

Few days past since that day and Jim’s heart didn’t take the hint that it would be best if he moved on. Suddenly, he found himself much aware of Spock next to him. He started stealing glances of the taller man, he started to look closer and taking in everything Spock was and he was getting happier whenever Spock talked to him, stayed with and be there with him.

 

These changes inside of him were scaring him slightly.

 

He didn’t think this would happen to him again but—sooner or later, he had to agree that yes, this was happening to him. His heart felt heavier whenever Spock wasn’t around and yet incredibly light whenever the half-Vulcan _was_ with him. Jim walked into the turbo lift, heading for his Alpha shift as he tried to keep the thoughts at bay.

 

It wouldn’t do him any good. He kept on repeating that in his head like a mantra, hoping that one day when he woke up, he would no longer feel like someone had ripped his soul apart with the loneliness. He rubbed his face as he took in a deep breath. He knew that he was also acting weird around his First Officer. He had been sometimes caught staring at him and he would get easily flustered afterwards. Uhura would eye him from aside and Bones would roll his eyes at the stupidity that was Jim.

 

But Jim realised he wasn’t the only one who acted a bit out of norm with each other. He noticed how Spock was always an inch closer whenever he was standing or sitting with him. He noticed how Spock was also sassier with his monotonous collection of faces. Jim _noticed_ every little quirk about Spock and catalogued it in his mind, comparing the times when he first met Spock six years ago and the Spock now.

 

The half-Vulcan was definitely weird as well.

 

But Jim didn’t ponder around with it. He didn’t dare to even ask about it out loud.

 

The days turned into weeks and their easy going relationship was going along well. It took some time but it was worth it, Jim realised when he looked at the calendar and noticed that it had been almost one year since he was the Captain of U.S.S Enterprise with Spock as his First Officer.

 

Jim felt like they had been through a lot in the past year for them to get this far. He cherished the moments he realised as he woke one morning, a few hours before his shift. He didn’t know what woke him up but then he found himself staring at the door of their shared bathroom and wondered for a moment what Spock would be doing.

 

This time, he couldn’t find it in himself to squash away these feelings that were vividly breathing in his chest. He wanted to tell himself that it would be useless, that this wouldn’t be fruitful, but his heart didn’t listen. He took in a shaky breathe in and looked away as he closed his eyes.

 

_He was falling in love with Spock again._

 

***

 

Jim was quiet the next day. He was serious in his work and he kept his professionalism check every time Spock was closer to him than usual. Jim didn’t hate it though that Spock was unconsciously leaning towards him whenever the blond-haired man talked to him. In fact, he kind of found himself loving it. Of course he would. This was what he felt every time he—loved someone.

 

But this time, this feeling inside of him was stronger and brighter. It scared Jim that he was now holding on something that wouldn’t come true. He closed his eyes a bit as he took in a deep breath. It was during his break when Bones found him trying to collect himself.

 

The doctor sat in front of him and stared for a few seconds. “Jim.”

 

The blond-haired man opened his eyes and looked at his best friend, startled slightly at how serious and sharp those eyes were. Immediately, the captain gave out an easy grin. “Bones,” he said. “Not gonna eat anything?”

 

“No,” Bones said as he placed his hands on the table and leaned against it. “What’s wrong with you today, Jim?”

 

Jim stopped stabbing his salad with the fork. He looked away from his best friend to the food, pondering if he should tell Bones about it. But the place looked too public for him so he didn’t say anything and simply shoved that forkful of salad into his mouth. He munched for a minute before he glanced at Bones. “Nothing.”

 

“You’re not a good liar, Jim,” Bones snorted. “Is it about the hobgoblin?”

 

“Bones,” Jim said as he sighed slightly irritated. “Can we not do this now?”

 

“Not do what, Jim?” Bones asked as he raised his eyebrows sceptically. “It is about him then. You look weird these past few days, Jim. Now you’re looking quiet. You’re never quiet unless there’s something wrong.”

 

Jim didn’t know how he should react to that so he simply frowned and continued munching on his salad. “I don’t even know what that means,” he said as he shoved another forkful of salad into his mouth. A few seconds of silence lapsed between them before Boned sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

 

“I told you to stop, Jim,” Bones said. “Why don’t you ever fucking _listen_?”

 

Jim stopped playing with his food before he looked up to his best friend. Bones simply stared right back at him emotionlessly. God, he _knew_. Jim gave out a sheepish smile before he straightened himself. “Bones,” he started.

 

“No, no, don’t speak, dumbass,” Bones growled out.

 

“Bones, come on, it’s not like if I wanted to feel this way,” Jim hissed out as he lowered his voice. “You can’t blame me for falling in love with him.”

 

“Love? You fell for him again?” Bones questioned indecorously. “Goddamnit, Jim.”

 

The blond-haired man simply pushed his tray of food aside and sighed, rubbing his face. “I just realised it,” he said slowly. “I just realised it this morning.”

 

Bones watched him for a second. “That you were in love with that pointy-eared elf?”

 

“Bones,” Jim said.

 

“No, no, clear this up for me,” Bones said as he leaned near Jim so he wouldn’t have to yell. “Just why the hell did you go through this again? Isn’t once enough?”

 

Jim knew he was trying to protect Jim from the pain of losing someone. He had been in a failed marriage before, he knew the ropes of it all. Jim knew that Bones wanted to keep him from getting hurt and Jim appreciated it—really he did but he couldn’t help who he fell in love with. His feelings for Spock never died. They were still lingering at the back of his mind.

 

It just came out as soon as it was safe to assume that it would be reciprocated—only that this time, his heart had made a wrong decision. “Bones, I’m not going to do anything about this.”

 

Bones scoffed out as he leaned away. “You’re not the only one, Jim,” he mumbled and Jim had to raise his eyebrows at the words. Bones noticed his look before he rolled his eyes. “Oh for the love of, you two are fucking dense.”

 

Jim rolled his eyes at Bones. “That’s a low insult, Bones.”

 

“Did it hurt?” Bones asked sarcastically. “Good then.”

 

Jim couldn’t help but to crack a smile at his best friend’s sarcasm. Bones simply just shook his head at the smile but there was a smile playing back on his lips.

 

***

 

Jim was heading for the turbo lift after shift when Spock followed him in. The blond-haired man simply stood slightly tense at how close Spock was next to him. His heart started to beat loudly against his chest and he felt his mind growing blank at the thought that he was just a few inches away from Spock. He glanced at the half-Vulcan from the corner of his eyes and took in how he looked.

 

He still looked as how he was this morning. He was still looking smart and Jim had to make sure he took in a deep breath at how cool he looked. Spock glanced at him before he said, “Is something the matter, Jim?”

 

The blond-haired man had to stop himself from fidgeting at being caught staring. God, this was happening more and more nowadays and it was getting slightly troublesome. “No, nothing, Spock,” Jim replied smoothly with a smile. “Quarters?”

 

“Yes, I believe I require meditation,” Spock said and Jim nodded. He wondered briefly how Spock’s room was. Could it be that it would still smell like incense? Probably, Jim mused in his mind. He caught himself just in time Spock was asking him a question. “Would you mind a game tonight perhaps?”

 

“Chess?” Jim asked as he looked at Spock in the eyes. Wrong move. Those orbs once again caught his breath and he tried to his best not to take a step back at the intensity.

 

“Indeed,” Spock replied.

 

Jim knew he shouldn’t. Jim knew it would be best if he declined his offer and stay in his room for today. It wasn’t even Wednesday for their usual chess night. “Okay,” Jim said as he licked his lips nervously though he hoped he didn’t show it to Spock. “At the mess hall?”

 

Spock took a step forward and all of a sudden, Jim realised that they were only inches away from each other. Jim rooted himself on the floor as he looked at Spock in the eyes. Confusion slowly filled in his mind when he saw the small traces of smugness in those eyes. “I believe,” Spock started. “It would be better if we played in my quarters.”

 

Jim felt something in him stopped working. “Spock—”

 

“If only you are amenable, Jim,” Spock assured him before he took a step back, allowing enough space for Jim to breathe. The blond-haired man didn’t know what to think. They always avoided the personal areas of their lives after what happened six years ago. But they had gone through everything together, countless missions and protecting each other until what happened six years ago was no longer a problem.

 

What was the problem now was that Jim was in love with his First Officer. He was in love with the man he used to be in love with. He was in love with Spock. He knew that his feelings were not likely to be returned and yet now, he was hoping it would be possible to get closer than this with Spock. The half-Vulcan waited for his reply patiently as the doors to the turbo lift opened.

 

The half-Vulcan walked out and Jim automatically followed him. “Okay,” Jim said finally. Spock went tense for a second as he glanced at Jim. “Alright, it’ll be—quieter. Better for my concentration to beat you.”

 

Spock quirked his lips upwards and his shoulders dropped. “We will see, Jim.”

 

Jim simply gave Spock a grin even though his feelings inside was a mess.

 

What was he doing?

 

***

 

Jim was jittery as he stood outside of Spock’s quarters. Some part of his mind began to tick at the thought that he was about to enter his First Officer’s quarters. Another part of him wondered why Spock invited him here of all places to play chess.

 

It didn’t mean Jim didn’t enjoy the notion that Spock was now comfortable enough to be with him alone. In fact, it sent a thrill down his spine which made his heart felt fluffier than before. He took in a deep breath. What was he about to do? He could tell Spock he couldn’t make it. He needed to tell Spock that and yet, here he was, doing something else entirely different.

 

The door slid opened and Spock appeared. Jim had to take a step back from the sudden informality of his clothing. Spock was simply wearing his black regulation pants and a shirt that wasn’t—blue. Jim couldn’t help but to give out a crooked smile at the image of how relaxed Spock looked.

 

“Am I too early?” Jim asked, his heart skipping a beat at Spock’s quirk of lips.

 

“No, you are not,” Spock said as he walked in, Jim followed suit. “I had just finished meditating.”

 

Once inside, the blond-haired man immediately took a look around the room. The heavy smell of incense and herbs filled the air and Jim was suddenly hit with a wash of nostalgia. It was the same smell he remembered when he was still with Spock six—seven years ago. He hid away the bitterness of it all and glanced back at Spock who was setting up the tri-D chess board.

 

After he had set it up, he looked at Jim. “Do you require any refreshments?”

 

Jim licked his lips and shrugged. “No thanks, Spock.”

 

The half-Vulcan eyed him for a second before he nodded and took a seat. Jim went ahead and sat in front of Spock, already ready to start the game and lose the jitters. The game started with Spock’s move first and Jim took a second to think about his move before he placed his pawn two steps forward.

 

But his mind and heart wasn’t a hundred percent focused on the game. In fact, he was even more aware of Spock and his mind was slowly turning blank at the closeness. He wanted to play the game properly but even he had to admit that chess wasn’t on his mind. It was the fact that Spock was close to him and they were alone in this scented room that had caught his attention.

 

So, he lost the first game easily.

 

Spock glanced up from his chessboard and stared at Jim. The blond-haired man had to avoid the eye contact as he furrowed his eyebrows at the easy loss. “Are you alright, Jim?” Spock asked after a while. The captain looked up to the half-Vulcan before he grinned, hoping it would conceal his uncomfortableness.

 

“I’m fine, just a bad start,” Jim said as he started to reshuffle the pieces. The half-Vulcan simply continued to stare at him and Jim knew that he was calculating him. The blond-haired man tried to keep away the slight panic from reaching his eyes at the thought that Spock would figure him out. It was easy for the half-Vulcan to figure him out if he wanted to.

 

“Very well,” Spock said. The finalisation of the words had Jim heaving out a relief sigh as the second round started. This time, Jim made sure he focused at the pieces in front of him instead of how familiar this felt at the moment. So, without saying much, he won the second round. He grinned widely and maybe he looked relieved at the win.

 

“I won,” he said and he laughed a bit. Spock simply raised his eyebrows before he quirked his lips upwards. Jim caught his eyes and the laughter immediately died down when he realised how alone they were at the moment and his heart started beating loudly in his chest. His mind had started growing blank and he found himself wishing he didn’t have to look at the half-Vulcan.

 

Spock’s smile faltered as well and his eyes searched Jim’s blue ones and for a while, these two only stared at each other. The big question mark hung in the air as it waited for any one of them to answer it. Jim felt the nervousness once again bubbling at the surface of his heart as he shifted in his seat barely unnoticeably.

 

He was in love with Spock.

 

The truth was there blaring loudly like a siren in his head. It was the matter of keeping it hidden that was hard for Jim. He experienced love twice in his life. He had experienced its downfall twice as well. Each time it left a deep carve in his heart. But this time, could it be any different?

 

He found himself almost asking it out loud. He saw something flashing in Spock’s eyes and the atmosphere shifted. Nobody moved and nobody dared to make a noise. Jim felt as if he was being calculated and analysed at the same time, he felt he was being—adored. He looked away from Spock immediately at the thought, his face felt hot and his mouth tasted dry.

 

“I—I think I’m tired,” Jim said lamely as he didn’t dare to look at Spock in the eyes. He immediately got up and glanced at the half-Vulcan before he cleared his throat. Spock got up as well before he looked away from Jim and nodded.

 

“It believes I am experiencing the same thing,” Spock said and Jim almost itched to point out that Vulcans didn’t lie. He almost did but he didn’t think it was the right time to joke about it, so he nodded and left the quarters.

 

Once he was inside of his own quarters, he had to lean against the door and take a deep breath. His heart was pounding loudly against his chest and his face had never felt this hot before. He had dropped to the ground, leaning against the door all while as he tried to take in a deep breath.

 

God, this wasn’t what he was expecting when he went to Spock’s quarters. Everything felt so familiar and the nostalgia shook him hard from within. Regret washed into him as he realised that if they were still together, he would still be able to feel like this without hiding it. His hands shook gently as he ran his fingers through his hair.

 

He needed to just sleep it off.

 

Or drink it off.

 

Whichever came first.

 

***

 

After that little incident, things were slightly awkward between them. It didn’t cut them off all together clean, it just made things slightly awkward for Jim and Spock. The blond-haired man almost whined at the thought that they had to go back to square one again. But whenever he looked into those dark orbs, he saw no guards or walls.

 

It was as if things were still better and yet at the same time—things were a bit off at the edges. So, Jim took in the request for a shore leave immediately. He needed some rest, some time to lose himself in something alcoholic, his diet be damned.

 

Carol recognised his slight apprehension and cornered him that day. “Jim?”

 

The blond-haired man looked at his once-lover and smiled brightly. “Carol,” he greeted her but his grin immediately faltered when he realised that she wasn’t here to just talk to him. She raised her eyebrows in a manner of speaking and Jim couldn’t help but to bite his inner cheek. “Carol.”

 

“Jim,” she started. “What’s wrong?”

 

Out in the hallways didn’t sound like a good place to speak about this, so he grabbed her elbow gently and walked down to an empty room. Once the doors slid closed, he let her go and took in a deep breath. She was waiting for him to say something. He could see the patience in her eyes. But he didn’t know how to approach this subject. “Nothing’s wrong,” he finally settled for that.

 

That earned a disbelieved look from the blonde-haired woman. “Jim,” she said as she took a step forward. “I can read you. What’s wrong?”

 

 

“And so can half of my crewmembers,” Jim retorted but silenced when he saw the seriousness and worry in her eyes. “Carol, nothing’s wrong, really.”

 

She seemed to analyse the answer for a second before she frowned. “No, you’re lying.”

 

He had to stop himself from frowning back at her. He let a few seconds of silence to lapse between them before he finally sighed resigned. At the defeat, she lifted her lips into a smile and touched his arm. Squeezing it gently, she assured him to let her know what was wrong with him.

 

Jim looked away from her as he rubbed the back of his neck cautiously. “I’m in love with Spock.”

 

Immediately, stunned silence rolled into the room. He dared himself to glance briefly at Carol’s face only to tense when he saw how slacked her jaw was and how wide her eyes had become. The grip on his arms loosened and she dropped her hand to her sides.

 

“You’re in love with him?” she asked slightly awed. “Once more?”

 

“Carol,” Jim said as he looked at her in the eyes. “It wasn’t like I wanted this to happen.”

 

She licked her own lips before she furrowed her eyebrows deep. “You’re in love with him? Jim, really?”

 

He shrugged helplessly as his shoulders rounded once more. “I—I fell for him again. I don’t know when it started or how, but god, Carol, it feels weird talking to you about how I fell for my ex—who apparently isn’t you.”

 

She raised her eyebrows for a second before she huffed out her breath and crossed her arms against her chest. He knew that she didn’t have any lingering feelings for Jim. It was obvious from the way she was treating him. He knew how she would act if she was in love—she wasn’t in love with him anymore. That maybe once upon a time might’ve felt awkward to him but now, he felt selfishly glad. Glad that he didn’t have to deal with the aftermaths of her lingering feelings for him.

 

A moment of guilt took him over but it was short-lived when she sighed and shook her head a bit. “Jim, I—I guess I’ve seen this coming a mile from before,” she confessed. Jim furrowed his eyebrows at that. What did that mean? “I’m not implying that you would ever doubt your feelings for me when we were together but—I see your eyes, Jim. I see them. And I see them now. You’ve belonged to him from the start. You’re going back to him already. Your heart never forgot him.”

 

Jim felt his throat going dry at the words. He flickered his eyes from her own. “I—I’m not going to do anything about this. I just want to forget them. I can’t—not again, Carol.”

 

She simply grasped his arm and squeezed it assuring. “Risks are there when you fall in love. It depends on whether you want to take that risk or not. If you want.”

 

“I—can’t,” Jim forced the words out no matter how bitter it tasted. “No, I’m—happy with what we have.”

 

She just nodded. She didn’t say anything else but Jim knew what he saw in her eyes. She was just there for him if he needed her. He gave her a small feeble smile but his heart was now threading the vines of hope around his heart. God, he was going to get disappointed again. He was going to get hurt again and this time, it was he, himself and him to blame for it when the time came.

 

Just like before.

 

***

 

The shore leave was exactly what he needed, Jim mused as he materialised on the ground of a planet nearby. It wasn’t a humanoid planet but the Federation had deemed that this planet was safe for them and other species to spend their shore leave on. Jim was with the first batch of shore leavers and he took in a deep breath as he walked away from the beaming up point.

 

Bones followed him gingerly though Jim knew he was glad he could be away from the Sickbay. “I’m going to get smashed tonight,” Jim said as he glanced at his best friend. The doctor snorted but he didn’t deny it with his usual snarky comment.

 

“Count me in for once,” he said. “It’s enough having you careless idiots landing in my Sickbay every single damn time. I need rest, even if it’s for one night.”

 

The blond-haired man grinned. “Aww, Bones, don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy seeing my face in the crowd.”

 

“The fuck is wrong with you? I don’t want to especially see your face,” Bones said but there wasn’t any venom in his voice. Jim simply shook his head at his best friend’s comment as the grin widened on his face. They wandered around this town filled with exquisite buildings and lights as he found the place where he heard sold the best alcoholic beverages in this planet.

 

“Here,” Jim said as he slapped Bones’s shoulder and walked in the small short stubby building. Bones raised his eyebrows at the building but followed the captain anyways.  Once they were inside, the smell of something sharp and tangy filled the air. Jim felt his heart tugging at the thought of getting drunk. “Ah, I missed this.”

 

“Don’t get too obsessed, Jim,” Bones warned him. “You’re still prone to allergic.”

 

Jim huffed out as he rolled his eyes at the warning. “I have you, don’t I?”

 

Bones scowled. “I’m tryintta’ avoid Sickbay tonight, Jim.”

 

He chuckled at his best friend before he found an empty seat near a table and sat down. He took in a deep breath as he looked around the club. It was typically like how a club was—with music bouncing off the walls and the beverages slipping past the brims of the glasses and then them moving on the dance floor with so much fluidity that Jim wondered if he could join in.

 

Duh, he would.

 

A waitress came over and grinned widely at them two. She looked Humanoid, Jim noted even though the scally marks on her cheeks and her green eyes was a dead give-away that she wasn’t Human. She spoke in her native language and from the looks of slow response, she grinned wider. “Ah, Standard.”

 

Jim gave her a grin and Bones simply huffed out his breath. It didn’t take long for the blond-haired man to order something strong. Bones decided to try out something light first before heading to stronger ones. He glanced at Jim before he raised his eyebrows. Jim looked back at his best friend after he looked around the club for the second time, noting how the lights made his best friend’s eyes look deeper.

 

“You’re trying to get amnesia or something?” he asked even though Jim caught the hidden meaning of his question. The grin faltered on his face and he schooled his features into a passive look.

 

“Maybe?” he questioned. “I don’t know, anything to forget about this stupidity for a second.”

 

Bones raised his eyebrows in mock shock. “I’m not surprised.”

 

“Bones,” Jim resorted to whining. “I’m just trying to let loose for tonight.”

 

Bones snorted though Jim knew he understood. “He’ll be joining us though, won’t he? That hobgoblin and the rest of our senior crew.”

 

Jim felt a sudden flip flop in his stomach at the thought of getting to see Spock in something—casual once more. The casual look always worked for Spock and that was the problem. He tampered down the blush as he glared at his best friend. He knew his best friend was trying to rile him up. Before he could retort, he caught Uhura from across the room. She caught his eyes and smiled big before she moved towards him.

 

Scotty was with her as so did Sulu and Chekov. Spock looked utterly dismayed as he followed them to where Jim was. “Glad you guys can make it,” Jim said as Uhura rolled her eyes, her hair was let down and she was wearing a pretty red dress. Carol wanted to be on the second batch of the shore leavers, so she didn’t join them now.

 

“Planning to get drunk?” Scotty asked with a grin as he took a seat next to Uhura. Jim rubbed the back of his neck with his infamous grin. Sulu looked around the place as Chekov looked excited and intimidated slightly. Jim looked at the Russian whiz kid.

 

“Are you even old enough to be here, Chekov?”

 

“Aye!” Chekov immediately beamed out brightly, his cheeks puffed out in pride.

 

“But he’s not drinking,” Sulu said as the Russian boy glared at the helmsman. Bones snorted.

 

“Especially not with me being here,” Bones said. Jim could tell that the navigator didn’t like this one bit. He just shook his head slightly at them before he glanced across the table and spotted Spock sitting in front of him next to Bones. His heart skipped a beat when he realised how—relaxed the half-Vulcan looked tonight.

 

God, he needed the drink and he needed it fast.

 

Spock simply looked at Jim and crooked his lips to one side when he caught Jim staring at him. The blond-haired man immediately looked away and felt his neck turning hot. As if the waitress had read his mind, she brought the drinks to their table. Placing two twisted tall glasses in front of Jim and Bones, she proceeded to take orders from the rest of his friends.

 

Spock however didn’t want anything to drink. “Aww, come on, Spock, let loose!” Jim found himself blurting out. “It’s shore leave. Let your hair down.”

 

The half-Vulcan furrowed his eyes slightly at the metaphor. “I believe my hair is too short to be let down, Captain.”

 

Uhura laughed brightly as she took in a deep breath. “Not literally, Spock.”

 

“Ah,” was the only dry reply she got.

 

“You’re a Vulcan, right?” the waitress asked as Spock looked at her. After a second, he nodded.

 

“Affirmative.”

 

“Then, well, would you like to try one of our specialised drinks on Vulcan alcohol?” she asked. Jim tilted his head a bit at that. Bones on the other hand stared at the waitress before he looked at Spock. The half-Vulcan however didn’t want anything to do with alcohol.

 

“Alcohol has no effect on a Vulcan,” he said matter-of-factly.

 

“I know,” she said with a smile. “It’s actually chocolate based. So if you’d like—”

 

Before Spock could deny, Jim quipped, “Bring it. He’ll have it.”

 

“Captain, I do not think—”

 

“Come on, Spock, it’s not as if I get to see you drunk all the time,” Jim said with a cheeky grin. He looked at his own drink and took in a deep breath as he took a big gulp of the green drink. Immediately his throat burned as he swallowed it down. His eyes stung from the burn and he thought for a moment he was about to die from the internal flames.  He coughed a bit and cleared his throat. Wow, that was strong. He could already feel the small thrums of buzz in his head but he ignored it before he looked back at Spock. The half-Vulcan however was getting persuaded by the others before he finally gave in.

 

“Very well, I believe consumption of just one glass would not do much harm.”

 

“That’s it,” Scotty said, his Scottish accent thickening. The waitress then walked away, leaving them to talk with each other. Jim however took that as an opportunity to continue drinking the green beverage. Though, at each sip, the fuzziness increased. Either he was now weak at holding his liquor or this thing was just that strong.

 

As he was about to finish his first glass, his friends’ drinks came. Jim took the opportunity to order another one of these. Spock eyed him from across the table apprehensively but Jim simply waved him off. He ignored him was another way to put it, mostly because the whole point of this was to forget how fucking attractive Spock looked in front of him.

 

He glanced at Bones who was in his own world and he glanced at Spock. The half-Vulcan simply started drinking his drink and Jim couldn’t help but to hide the smile that was trying to spill on his lips. He had never seen Spock drunk before, despite their past and present liaison. He really wanted to know how this always composed half-Vulcan would react if he was drunk.

 

Jim gulped down a huge swallow when the second glass arrived. His heart started to act up again when he started to steal glances of Spock. The half-Vulcan seemed to frown at the taste of the drink and a stream of chuckles escaped Jim’s lips. However, he thanked the loud music for drowning his sudden burst of chuckles.

 

The light on Spock made him look stronger and edgy. It was as if Spock looked like he was a different person like this. His heart skipped a beat again as his mind slowly deprived of any logical strings. He felt the warmth overflowing his body at the thought that he meant something to the half-Vulcan, one way or the other. Spock looked up from his drink, his cheeks were slightly green and caught Jim’s blue ones.

 

The blond-haired man’s breath hitched and his cheeks reddened at the eye-lock. He licked his lips subconsciously and he could feel it—God, it was in the air how tense their sexual tension was. He immediately broke eye contact as he continued to drown himself with the drink. Just a bit more to forget about this—about how stupidly in love he was with Spock.

 

He didn’t know how long he had done this, but by the time he realised what he was doing—he was already drunk. The cups scattered on the table and he was laughing at something weird someone had said. Though, it didn’t really help him forget about whatever it was he was feeling at the moment.

 

His mind buzzed heavily and he found himself trying to steel himself from doing stupid things. Finally, Bones decided that Jim had enough to drink and he should go back to his quarters to rest. The captain didn’t like the idea as he furrowed his eyebrows and glared at the doctor—who was still sober. “No,” Jim said as he shook his head though he was already feeling light. “I’m fiinnnnneeeee.”

 

“Come on, Jim,” Bones said as he tried to tug the blond-haired man. Jim huffed out his breath as he stood up. He staggered a bit on his feet before he straightened himself, smiling goofily at the thought he had managed to save himself from a fall. He glanced at the table and spotted Bones glass. It was not even finished fully and Jim wondered just how fast he had gotten drunk. He then looked at his best friend and noted the concern in his eyes.

 

Guilt—even when drunk—washed in him and he really didn’t want Bones’s only night to let loose go to waste because of him. So, he turned around and pushed Bones back down on his seat. “I’m f—fine!” Jim said goofily. “I—I’ll know—you know, out.”

 

“Jim, I don’t think—”

 

“You needda time—relax, just—I’ll be fine,” Jim slurred out the words though he staggered once more even though he was just standing on his feet. Jim then glanced around the table and spotted Spock, staring at him with concern as well latched in his eyes. The blond-haired man once again felt warm inside, and he suddenly decided he disliked how far apart they were sitting. “Spock, help me—my quarters.”

 

“Jim, really, I can—”

 

But Spock simply got up, cutting Bones’s sentence. Jim was slightly taken aback at the eagerness and a foxy grin lit up on his face. His eyebrows rose suggestively as Spock sauntered to him. Jim knew Spock was drunk—even if it was a bit when he saw how Spock was cautiously walking up to him as if he didn’t know he had feet.

 

Bones eyed them carefully. “I will bring the captain on board the ship and make sure he is at his quarters to rest.”

 

“Yippeee!” Jim said as he placed a hand on Spock’s shoulder and squeezed it tight. He didn’t know why the alarm bells went off in his head but he really couldn’t care less at the moment. Spock simply disregarded the motion and placed his own arm around Jim’s waist. The familiarity of that hand on his waist showered Jim’s subconscious mind with nostalgia. It felt so right, Jim felt his mind murmuring at him. He felt so right on him.

 

He wanted him now.

 

He wanted him then.

 

He would always want Spock.

 

Jim felt a soft smile spreading on his lips as he staggered away from the table, waving at Bones one last time. At a particular step, Spock’s grip on his waist tightened and Jim walked closer to the half-Vulcan. Even in this state, he could catch the faint smell of incense and his heart ached for the distance between them to be filled.

 

He could feel the cooler skin temperature against his own warmer skin even with the clothes between them. His fingers itched at how it would feel like to touch Spock. He had memorised every single touch he could possible feel when he was with Spock, but now—he wondered if would feel any different. The spike of lust zapped through his mind and he immediately tried to squish it.

 

It would be futile. Spock did not feel the same way.

 

But the grip around his waist tightened as if Spock read his mind. Jim wondered briefly if Spock had somehow felt his emotions since they were touching now. But even if he did, the blond-haired man couldn’t find the inhibitor to remove himself from Spock’s personal space. It felt like he was drowning now that he was back in here.

 

He never wanted to leave.

 

***

 

Somehow, one way or the other, Spock had managed to get Jim to his quarters. The drunken captain by some means lost all sense of reality and ended up leaning against the door while Spock tried to keep him upright so he could enter the codes to the blond-haired man’s quarters. Jim remained silent after that as he looked at Spock, taking note that his cheeks were now a light shade of green-hue and the tips of his ears were a darker shade of green.

 

The blond-haired man just took in the details even though the buzz in his head was increasing at each second. He licked his lips that felt too dry when his eyes dropped from his face to his lips and wondered if they still tasted the same. Jim knew his mind was heading into a dangerous territory. It was a bad idea to do this after all.

 

The captain tried to shake his feelings and gather the strands of logic from his mind but it was futile, he had gotten himself drunk to oblivion. He chuckled to himself at the thought but his blue eyes now trained on Spock’s lips. When the half-Vulcan finally finished with the codes, he turned around to look at Jim.

 

Jim’s eyes widened when he realised how close he had migrated to the half-Vulcan. Their faces were inches away and their noses brushed against each other. Spock went rigid and Jim felt as if someone had punched out all the air from his lungs. He searched in his eyes, the atmosphere slowly becoming into something else.

 

Something flashed in Spock’s eyes and the half-Vulcan took a step forward, his arm against Jim’s waist rounded and wended itself into a better grip. Jim met him halfway and at the end, found himself flushed against Spock. Jim licked his lips once more before looking at Spock’s own pair. Something about this was encouraging Jim to take the leap.

 

And since his mind was too tired—too buzzed out to rationalise, he gingerly raised his right hand and touched Spock’s cheek. The half-Vulcan simply continued to stare at him as if he was waiting for Jim to decide. The blond-haired man caressed the cooler skin with his thumb before he circled it around the cheekbones. He felt a smile threatening to spill over and the heaviness suddenly plummeted in him like a ton of bricks.

 

The longing, the hurt, the loss—it took him by surprise that at the end, he tugged Spock close to him, closed his eyes and leaned in to kiss him. Immediately after their lips met, the sharp electricity jolted down his spine and his knees buckled at the intensity. It wasn’t a soft kiss—it was raw, passionate and Jim found himself already against the door at his back with Spock towering him like he was meant to stay there.

 

The lips continued to move against each other as Jim ran his fingers through the dark hair and the other hand catching onto Spock’s chest, running his hand up to the cooler neck. Spock’s own free arm was placed next to Jim’s head as he leaned his whole weight against Jim—as if claiming he was here, that this was real.

 

Jim didn’t really care for what was about to happen if they went with this—all he knew was that his heart was screaming at him, crying at the finality of this. He felt everything in him shattering, all the walls he built crumbling and his world—which had been still and dark for seven years—turning around once more as Spock placed his hands all over him.

 

Before Jim knew it, their lip-on-lip action turned into tongue-and-lip exploration. Jim moaned under his breath when Spock searched his mouth, his tongue tumbling into his mouth as if it belonged there. Their kiss was brutal in every sense as well, as both men tried to pour out their long hidden feelings.

 

Breaking the kiss with a gasp, Jim said, “B—Bed. Please, Spock, now.”

 

Just as the words came out from Jim’s mouth, it was as if someone had poured a bucket of cold water on them. The half-Vulcan rounded his shoulders and immediately ceased touching Jim. The blond-haired man opened his eyes at the sudden lack of hands on him and stared at the half-Vulcan, who was looking down on him. Before Jim could protest, Spock pulled himself away from Jim. The blond-haired man tried to stabilise against the door as he tasted Spock in his mouth.

 

Silence matched on long as Jim tried to regain his breath. He glanced at Spock and noted how dishevelled he looked. The ache in his heart once again bloomed and it took Jim all his power from not tipping over and scream in frustration. “I believe—it is best if we retire for tonight,” Spock said and suddenly, Jim found himself staring at a blank faced Vulcan. The confusion started to welt inside of Jim like a bubbling volcano. What? They just made out—and Spock was leaving him? The blond-haired man’s mind was too broken with illogic that he couldn’t see the reason Spock was taking a step back from taking this any further.

 

“Spock—” He tried to take a step forward but the half-Vulcan had simply turned his back against him and walked to his own quarters. Without even bidding goodnight, Spock had entered his room and let the door slid closed behind him. Jim felt something in him break and drown and all of a sudden—he felt used.

 

He slid down to the ground as he looked away from Spock’s quarters. W—what? What had happened? Jim took in a shaky breath as he looked down to his hands. They were shaking slightly and he felt something heavy landing in his mind. He tried to think—he tried to rationalise but the fuzziness in his head slowly turned into pounding pain.

 

His eyes also were wet by the time he had gotten over the initial shock. He then got up and entered his own quarters. He staggered to his bed before he landed face first on it. The tears in his eyes leaked down to his cheeks as he sighed out. It felt so familiar—it felt so right and now—now…

 

Jim closed his eyes tight and bunched the bedsheet under his fingers. He was disappointed.

 

The disappointment slowly lulled him to sleep as he reran what happened minutes ago in his mind. For a short moment, he felt happy—as if he was his old self again. Now, he felt broken.

 

Tomorrow morning—it was going to be even worse.

 

***

 

The next morning, Jim woke up with a startled gasp. He wasn’t sure what woke him up—but he did. He felt fear, disappointment and anger slowly fading to the background as he laid in his sweat for a few seconds.

 

He counted in his head until ten before his breath normalised. Then, he started feeling the lingering pain in his head from the hangover. He still felt slightly buzzed but overall, he was exhausted and done for. He took in a deep breath before he closed his eyes. A few seconds of silence passed by before the events of what happened yesterday crashed into his mind.

 

He opened his eyes widely and sat up immediately, his breathing starting to come out rapidly. His cheeks reddened and the gentle pain in his head started to become an enormous pound. He groaned loudly under his breath as he realised what he did.

 

He fucking kissed Spock!

 

What happened to forgetting about his feelings?

 

He felt his world being shattered once more. The ache, the disappointment and the anger came back crashing in his heart as harshly as it could. It took away Jim’s breath as he tried to scramble away from the bed. He stood up wobbly, his mind was taking so many turns and words floated in his mind as if they were mocking him.

 

Jim was wide awake now and he could still feel Spock’s lips against his, his tongue covering every inch of his mouth and his hands on him. The shudder that ripped through his body was sharp and he dropped to the ground. He felt dumb—he felt stupid and he felt like an idiot, and no matter how many acronyms he pulled out from his head, it made him felt worse than could be said.

 

The headache was another matter entirely.

 

This current feeling swishing inside of him was another matter alone.

 

He remembered how emotionless Spock was. He remembered the eagerness he felt when they kissed. He remembered how the dark hair felt between his fingertips. He groaned again under his breath before he felt the whimper catching at the back of his throat.

 

How was he going to face Spock now?

 

The fragile friendship they had was now ruined—all because of his idiotic emotions.

 

He wanted nothing more but to curl up at that moment. He wanted to curl up and die. Just before he could drown himself in more self-pity, the door to his quarters chimed. Jim was tired and he didn’t want to entertain anyone else but he found himself whispering a small ‘come’ from under his breath.

 

The doors opened and Bones walked in, already scanning the room before his eyes landed on Jim. He walked up to the captain before he sighed loudly. “What the hell are you doing down there, Jim?” he asked and Jim winced at the volume.

 

“Shh, headache,” Jim said weakly. Bones simply crouched down next to him and rolled his eyes. The hypospray in his hand was carefully placed again Jim’s neck. Clicking down on it, Jim winced at the short small stabbing sensation on him. Jim’s mind took only a few seconds to a minute before it cleared up. The pain faded to the back and Jim could now think clearly.

 

He groaned once more under his breath when he could remember even more detailed on what he had done with Spock. God, he was such an idiot. Bones raised his eyebrows at Jim before he stood up, heading to the replicator. “So, what happened?” he asked and Jim had to glance up to his best friend before he frowned.

 

He felt the jittery nervousness and guilt—and anger on himself mixing inside of him. It was unpleasant, Jim noted bitterly in his mind. He felt like he had ruined once again something that would’ve meant the world to him. He had to do this and ruin the best thing that could probably once again roll into his life.

 

Silence—uncomfortable silence washed in between them before Jim huffed out brokenly. “I kissed him.”

 

Bones immediately slammed what seemed like a cup of coffee on the desk harshly. “What?” Bones asked as he walked up to Jim and sat down in front of him. “Jim, what—please don’t tell me—”

 

“I kissed him, Bones!” Jim said as he sat up straight and glared at his best friend. “I fucking messed up, okay? I kissed him! I—I kissed him and now—I ruined it.”

 

Bones remained silent as he watched the captain hyperventilating to what happened yesterday. Jim ran his fingers through his hair before he pulled his hair from the frustration. Jim glanced at his best friend from the corner of his eyes afore he looked to the floor. He felt like laughing immediately at how stupid this sounded.

 

 

He was a Kirk, wasn’t he?

 

It was curse, to destroy the best things in his life with his idiocy.

 

“I’m such an idiot.”

 

“I can’t say I didn’t see this coming,” Bones muttered under his breath. Jim frowned at that. “This is just great. Now what? You two gonna act like this never happened? Let me tell you, Jim, that ain’t gonna work anymore.”

 

“I kissed him, Bones,” Jim said dryly. “He—he’s—I lost it again.”

 

“And he fucking kissed you back, didn’t he, Jim?” Bones shot back sharply. Jim went still at the words as he blinked. The realisation dawned on him immediately as he took a shaky gasp. God—Spock kissed him back. Confusion now welled in him and he had no idea where to grasp and hold on first. The plummeting disappointment loosened and something like veins of hope started to branch out from the corner of his heart.

 

“He did,” Jim said finally as he looked at his best friend in the eyes. But then, he shoved the hope away to where it belonged, to the bottom of his heart. “But—it was just a spur of a moment thing. He was slightly intoxicated, Bones.”

 

“He’s a Vulcan, Jim,” Bones said as if he was at his limit. “A fucking hobgoblin with logic that defies norms. Why the fuck are you both so dense?”

 

“He doesn’t feel the same way, Bones,” Jim said as he stood up, glaring down his best friend. “I would’ve felt it!”

 

“You were drunk!” Bones rationalised.

 

“You’re the one who fucking told me not to do this, Bones!” Jim exclaimed. Bones remained quiet at the accusation before he stood up as well, facing the blond-haired man. He sighed loudly as he ran his fingers through his hair.

 

“I told you, kid,” Bones started quietly. “You felt it once—it died. What makes you think the second time will last? I’m asking you to not take a risk and then get your heart broken. But—Spock somehow took the leap too. You both did.”

 

Jim’s shoulders tensed at the words. His mind was reeling back from it. It wasn’t true. Jim didn’t see any indication that Spock—no, Spock didn’t like him back that way. It was there, Spock was a logical being. He knew that once it failed, the second time would not give a different result. Humans were dumb enough to try again the same mistake hoping for a different ending. Jim was that idiot at the moment but Spock wasn’t.

 

The blond-haired man shook his head. “No, Bones,” he said weakly but the doctor simply stared at the captain in the eyes, portraying his seriousness. Jim felt his throat going dry and his mind started to spin from the facts. He didn’t know what to do as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt emotionally drained. “What am I going to do?”

 

“I don’t know,” Bones said as he took a step forward and placed a hand on Jim’s shoulder. As he squeezed it, he continued, “But don’t get hurt again. I don’t want to see ya hurt again. It—hurts me too.”

 

Jim opened his eyes and looked at Bones’s in the eyes before he gave out a weak smile. He placed his hand on Bones’s hand and patted it. He couldn’t promise that to Bones and the doctor knew it, so he just looked away and nodded. Silence engrossed between them as Jim sighed shakily.

 

***

 

As predicted, things got weird. Jim didn’t know what to do with this but Spock seemed to have a good idea. The blond-haired man was in the turbo lift when Spock entered it. The immediate change of the atmosphere was obvious and Jim flinched when he realised they had once again entered this zone.

 

He glanced at Spock. He knew he needed to speak to Spock. He needed to. He tried to gather the words in his mind to say them out loud but before he could, the doors of the turbo lift opened and without hesitating, Spock walked out. Jim was frozen at where he was as he watched Spock’s tensed back.

 

The nervousness somehow quelled into something darker and sadder.

 

He took in a deep breath as he walked out as well, heading to the bridge. His crewmembers immediately looked at them and Jim felt self-cautious of himself. He sat down on the chair and nodded at them, giving out his usual grin. However, Jim was sure they noticed how flat it was yet they didn’t say or point it out. Instead, they resumed their journey exploring space.

 

His First Officer then stood next to him and Jim was startled out from his thoughts when Spock handed him his PADD. Jim glanced up and Spock looked down on him. The blond-haired man immediately looked away as he chewed his inner cheek. He took notice of the distance between them and realised that Spock wasn’t really trying to stay away.

 

“Captain,” Spock’s voice rung out in perfect nonchalance. Jim grabbed the PADD and looked through the words, none registering in his brain. He signed it anyway and gave it back to Spock, who took it with a nod. He glanced through the documents one last time and once he was satisfied with it, he walked away to his station.

 

Jim felt jittery, his whole body was shaking slightly at the thought that he had kissed Spock. After seven years, he could remember how desperate and good it felt to kiss him again. He refrained himself from trying to glance at Spock. The entire shift continued on like that with Spock speaking to him as if nothing happened between them last night.

 

A realisation struck Jim that maybe Spock didn’t remember the kiss.

 

The thought somehow made Jim felt relieved and slightly saddened. By the time break time rolled in, Jim had found himself in the turbo lift with Spock next to him. A few seconds ticked on before Jim sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He knew he needed to speak to the half-Vulcan. He had to. So, he glanced at the half-Vulcan and took in a deep breath.

 

He pressed the ‘Stop’ button and the turbo lift stopped moving immediately. Jim thanked that nobody else was in the lift. Spock immediately turned to look at him, his eyebrows raised upwards. “Captain?”

 

“Spock,” Jim said as he licked his lips. He felt his throat going dry and Spock seemed to have caught on what was happening. Silence flowed between them before Jim looked away. “About last night…”

 

Spock didn’t say anything. Jim felt like the silence was weighing heavily on him. He tried to make the words come out from his mouth but—he didn’t know what to say. So, at the end, he stayed silent. Spock seemed to stand up straighter. “What about last night, Captain?”

 

Jim flinched and wondered if Spock was playing dumb on purpose. His heart constricted at the thought that maybe Spock didn’t want to remember this. He felt the bitterness crawling into his heart. “No, nothing, never mind.” With that, he pressed the ‘Go’ button and waited for a few seconds before he walked out of the turbo lift as soon as the doors slid opened.

 

He felt like an idiot. He didn’t know why he hoped. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. Just what was he hoping from this anyway?

 

***

 

At the end, Jim never spoke about that night and Spock didn’t inquire about it. The blond-haired man felt like this was another mess that nobody dared to open the box to. He felt squeamish every time he had to stand next to his First Officer and it was getting harder to ignore the flutter in his stomach when he recalled every night how those lips tasted.

 

He craved for more by the end of the two days.

 

He had fallen in love with Spock. He wanted him. And he got a taste of him. He growled in frustration as he looked out to the stars. He was at the Observation Deck, just looking at the stars. The sleep for tonight was not going to wash on him easily, he knew it so. So, he decided to spend his night here. Just as he was about to relax, the doors to the Observation Deck opened. Jim tensed when he glanced at the door and noticed it was Spock.

 

The half-Vulcan stood at the doorway before he continued to walk inside. The doors slid closed behind him and Jim had to look away, his heart beating heavily against his chest. The aching longing in his chest was making him harder to breathe. He had tried to keep his interactions with Spock within a minimum range. He wanted to give Spock space. He felt so stupid again.

 

“Captain?” Spock called out as he stood next to Jim. The blond-haired man glanced at Spock and nodded though his lips thinned. The Vulcan noticed it but didn’t point it out. “You are not asleep.”

 

“I’m not sleepy,” was the curt reply and Jim flinched at the broken tone. Spock looked at him clearly this time though Jim kept his eyes glued to the stars outside of the window. Silence once again washed in and Jim felt the nervousness and self-disappointment crashing into the scene. He didn’t want to stand next to Spock. He didn’t feel—right.

 

Spock didn’t want to remember it and Jim had to learn how to navigate past it. But Jim craved for Spock, at night when he was alone on his bed. Not just for the touch—but for Spock to just be there. His heart wanted Spock again—like it always did. But the truth was, he couldn’t do it, so it was best if he took some time to get over this feeling.

 

“I’m going to bed,” Jim said gravely as he nodded at Spock.

 

“Jim.”

 

Jim was about to walk away but at the tone, Jim stopped. He didn’t dare to look at Spock though and kept his eyes glued to the floor. His ears turned red and his heart leaped in his chest. He didn’t want to listen—he really didn’t want to. But he kept quiet nevertheless.

 

“Jim, what is wrong?” Spock asked and it sounded so quiet that Jim had wanted to turn around and just yell. But he couldn’t so he didn’t. Instead, Jim simply sighed out shakily and turned around to see Spock. He clenched his hands into a fist to his sides.

 

“Nothing,” Jim lied through his teeth. Spock’s eyes caught his blue ones and Jim realised that it was futile lying to him. Suddenly, anger bubbled in his chest at this stupid hope in his heart. What was he even thinking? “You don’t want to do anything about it, Spock. So, let’s just leave it alone and move on.”

 

Spock simply continued to stare at Jim and the blond-haired man had to reign himself from slapping that blankness from the half-Vulcan’s face. After a few short seconds of silence, Spock took a step forward and Jim took an immediate step back as if he was burned. “Jim,” Spock started. “Why are you distressed? You seem to be avoiding me.”

 

Jim didn’t know if he was really faking this or if he really forgot. “Spock,” Jim said frustrated. “Don’t—please don’t act like you don’t know.”

Spock thinned his lips and Jim knew then that he remembered. He remained quiet before he opened his mouth. “You are referring to—the kiss—two days ago.”

 

Jim fidgeted and nodded, breaking eye contact. “Yeah,” he said as he laughed humourlessly. He rubbed the back of his neck. “I get it, you want to act as if nothing happened. I—I’ll just—I—” But he couldn’t finish it. How could he forget? He felt the disappointment latching in his mind heavily. “I can’t forget it, Spock. I’m sorry. I can’t—I—I just can’t.”

 

Spock went rigid with the words. “Jim—”

 

“I won’t forget it, Spock!” Jim said as he looked back up to Spock’s eyes. “I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ask for any of this! I didn’t ask to see you again after seven years, I didn’t ask to be assigned to the same fucking ship as you are! And I certainly didn’t ask for what I’m feeling for you now. Did you think I wanted to love you again after what happened seven years ago? I didn’t, I was satisfied with us being friends. But then—then I fell for you, I fell in love with you again and then we kissed and I just can’t—I’m stuck again.”

 

He said it out all in one breath and he had to gasp in another breath. Spock’s eyes widened at the words and Jim couldn’t bear to see the rejection in those eyes. Silence—stunned silence hung in the air like a siren and Jim had to refrain from shivering. “Jim,” Spock said though his voice was barely above whisper. “You are—in love with me?”

 

“Yeah,” Jim said as he licked his own lips. “I am. I—God, fuck it. I love you, Spock, okay?” He looked at the half-Vulcan in the eyes. “And I want you every single day—I’ve wanted you ever since I left you seven years ago. But I get it,” Jim said as he trailed off. “I’m trying to forget this. I’m trying to move on. I just want to be your friend, Spock. I didn’t want this—but at the end—hah.”

 

He gingerly touched his lips and he felt his mind finally shutting down from too much emotional motion. Spock didn’t say anything though, or—in another sense, Jim didn’t give him much space for him to say anything. One glance at Spock, Jim felt every single thing in his heart dying at the stricken look on the half-Vulcan. He shook his head as he rubbed his face. “Just forget it,” Jim said. “Act like I never said any of this to you, okay? I’m sorry. I’m illogical—I—I’m sorry. Just forget it, okay, Spock?”

 

Before Spock could say anything else, Jim turned around and walked away. Before he could exit the deck, he stopped at the doorway. “I’m sorry for—being me.”

 

After that, he left Spock alone. If only he took a glance back, he would see Spock staring at him—with the same emotions and awe written in his eyes.

 

***

 

Like Jim promised, he avoided Spock like a plague. He needed time to get over this and he was going to make sure he did just that. He wasn’t going to let this friendship die because of him, not again. Bones however didn’t approve his methods and simply sighed loudly when he noticed a change in their interaction again. Jim though didn’t talk much to Bones about it.

 

It was a week before a new mission landed on the table and Jim took it willingly. It was a tough mission, Jim thought as they revised their plan. The senior crewmembers noticed the lack of friendly chatter between Jim and Spock but they never really questioned them both, which Jim was secretly glad for.

 

The mission was to check out the disturbance in a remote area of Mega IV. By the time they had warped there in warp speed 6, Jim was more than ready to just get himself in this mission and get it over with. He wanted something to occupy his mind with. He wanted to busy himself, so he led the away team.

 

“Spock, you’re in, you too, Lieutenant Gyorne,” Jim said as he walked out of the bridge, handing the conn to Sulu. Spock nodded but Jim could feel his eyes lingering at the back of his head. Heeding no attention to that, Jim gathered a few security officers and headed to the transporter room.

 

When they materialised on the planet’s surface, green was what they saw. The trees covered every inch of the place and Jim had to take out his phaser in case anything shot out at them like last time. Spock checked his tricorder and secured the perimeter while his security officers confirmed that nothing was wrong.

 

With that, Jim relaxed a bit and glanced around him. “Where to?” he asked.

 

“Head straight and you’ll see—some kind of a cave,” Sulu’s voice came out from the comm. Jim nodded and Spock walked ahead first, letting Jim to catch up. What they didn’t expect was for an ambush waiting for them at the entrance of the cave. Jim cursed under his breath as he hid behind a tree and set his phasers from stun to kill.

 

“How come we get into this type of messes all the time?” Jim muttered under his breath.

 

“Captain, be careful,” Sulu’s voice warned him and Jim nodded. With that, they tried to navigate themselves past the ambush. Spock had taken attentive to keep his eyes on the target, shooting them one by one until he was alone at one corner. “Captain, it seems something like magnetic waves is being emitted just at the entrance of the cave. Be careful.”

 

Jim glanced at his officers who tried their best not to get shot. Spock looked at him from the other side and Jim simply nodded that he was fine. He glanced at the entrance of the cave and just as he suspected, it seemed like there was a barrier, probably to prevent anyone from going in further into the cave.

 

“Captain, behind you!” one of the officers caught Jim’s attention. However, before he could shoot the men who were ambushing them, Spock had shot him. The person fell to the ground lifelessly and Jim had to take a second to compose himself. He glanced at Spock and the half-Vulcan was staring at him with worry and another type of emotion Jim didn’t dared to hope to believe. He just thanked Spock as he looked around him.

 

After a minute or so, there were no more phasers being shot and Jim took in a deep breath. “Captain, are you alright?” Spock asked as he headed to Jim’s direction. The blond-haired man simply nodded and looked at the entrance of the cave. He then cautiously walked towards the cave.

 

Just a few feet from the entrance, Jim spotted something metallic beeping on the ground. Jim stopped and halted the rest of his away team members. “Sulu, are you seeing this?” he asked.

 

“Yes, Captain,” Sulu said and there was a tense silence as Jim crouched down and tried to take a good look of that beeping light. It didn’t take long for Jim to frown at the device. It seemed like there wasn’t just one beeping light, there were a few more scattered on the grassy ground forming a square.

 

“Sulu?”

 

“It seems—to emit something like a magnetic barrier,” Sulu said and Jim frowned.

 

“A barrier?” Jim asked as he glanced at the half-Vulcan. Spock on the other hand had walked around the square and headed to the cave entrance. He saw Spock going rigid at what he seemed to have seen at the entrance of the cave. “Spock?”

 

“It seemed that—they were planning to—ignite explosions here,” Spock said tersely. Jim felt himself going rigid at that. “Estimating the amount of explosion, it would be a wide radius enough to wipe out the town nearby.”

 

“Oh my god,” Jim whispered under his breath. This was an assassination attempt. “God, they’re trying to blow the town nearby up?”

 

“A rebellion,” Spock continued. “I believe that they were rebelling against the current ruler, a political issue. The only way to stop it is if someone were to go into the square they have made.”

 

“What happens if someone steps in?” Jim asked. He looked around him before he saw what seemed like a flower. He plucked it and tossed it into the square. Almost immediately, the flower started to wilt as if something was sucking its energy out. It turned lifeless at the end. “It sucks the life out of it.”

 

“I believe the only way to deactivate the explosions is if someone were to switch off all four switches of the main panel in the centre of the square. However, not without killing the said person,” Spock continued as he walked away from the cave entrance to Jim. The rest of his away team was next to him, glancing around for another way to solve this problem.

 

Jim ran that in his head a few times. Just before they got to do anything else, a loud beeping noise came from the entrance of the cave. Jim’s eyes widened when he saw the cave started to shine bright as if the explosion had started to burn. Spock went rigid once more next to him and Jim looked at his away team. “Goddamnit,” he muttered under his breath.

 

The blond-haired man looked at the square and wondered briefly if there was another way to end it. Maybe if he could get a lock down here and shoot the cave with the photon lasers, possibly it will diffuse the bomb. He glanced at Spock and the half-Vulcan seemed to have the same idea as he informed Scotty about the plan.

 

“I’ll try, Commander,” Scotty’s voice broke out but from the looks of it, Jim didn’t think they would make it.

 

“Beam up, Spock, bring the away team and beam up,” Jim ordered as he looked back to the box. If he didn’t stop this, not only will his away team members die, other innocent lives were going to suffer the same fate as well. He took out his phaser before he tried to shoot at the beeping lights on the ground. It didn’t work, in fact, it seemed to have just absorbed it.

 

Jim felt the dread washing in him.

 

There really was no other way.

 

“Spock!” Jim ordered and the half-Vulcan thinned his lips.

 

“I will not allow you to do that, Captain,” he said darkly, his eyes flashed dangerously. “It is unadvisable. For now, we should all beam up.”

 

“And do what, Spock?” Jim argued. “We are not letting anyone else die. It’s our mission to stop this. We’re going to stop this.”

 

“Captain, this would mean someone needs to be in there to stop the bomb from activating,” Spock said and Jim licked his lips. The half-Vulcan caught the silent message and took a step forward. “I will not allow you to do this.”

 

“I have to,” Jim said as he heard the sirens growing louder. “Spock,” he started as he clamped on the half-Vulcan’s shoulders. “Beam up now.”

 

“Captain,” Spock started but Jim knew he was running out of time. Before Spock could say anything else, he pushed the half-Vulcan away. Spock was caught off guard and stumbled a few feet away and Jim took this opportunity to step in. Immediately, the barriers around him lit up and Jim felt the sudden stab of pain running down his spine. Spock stared at Jim horrified as Jim stood at the other side. “Captain!”

 

“Go, now,” Jim said through the continuous stab of pain. With that, he crouched down and found the switch. He cursed under his breath when he felt the energy radiating from his body. He looked around him and saw the golden sparks of what his energy was being evaporated. He felt weak, he knew he felt weak. He opened the panel and looked through though he felt like he was being drained—technically he was.

“Captain!” Spock’s voice rung through but Jim didn’t bother it. He finally found the switch and turned it off. The siren stopped and the bright light vanished immediately. Jim shakily stood up, a smile stretched on his lips. With that, he turned around and looked at Spock from the other side.

 

He tried to walk out of the barrier but he felt something sharp stabbing through his body. He was pushed back into the barrier and he fell on his butt. He felt the pain started to heavily take over his body. Jim blinked away the sudden black spots in his vision as he tried to gather back his wasted energy. The barrier wasn’t letting up. It wasn’t letting him go.

 

It was determined to suck up all of his energy.

 

It was determined to kill him.

 

He chuckled at the irony though it hurts now to even breathe. He glanced up to Spock who was staring at him with mixed emotions in his eyes. The half-Vulcan dropped to his knees and stared at Jim. He tried to put his hand through but it seemed like he was met with something like a glass window. He placed his hand on it and it curled into a fist when Jim tried to blink away the wetness in his eyes.

 

God, he was really going to die, wasn’t he?

 

The golden buzz around him proved his theory. There was a sudden blackout in his vision and he took in a deep breath at that. “Jim,” he heard Spock’s voice as Jim blinked and tried to regain his vision. Jim tried not to think about how he hadn’t really enjoyed his life fully yet. But at the same time, something about dying here felt—noble.

 

“S—Spock,” he gasped out as some tears escaped his eyes. Jim could see the pain in Spock’s eyes as well and he felt—relieved—when he saw Spock’s own mask was cracking and there were tears in his eyes as well. It made him feel like he was loved back. He crawled closer, as close as he could get to the barrier walls, and clutched his chest when he felt his heart trying to constrict tight.

 

He was having hard time breathing. “Jim,” Spock’s voice echoed in his mind and Jim closed his eyes briefly.

 

He felt his heart squeezing tight one last time. Jim opened his blue eyes and stared at Spock for a second before he used every strand of energy left to smile at the half-Vulcan. He never really regretted loving Spock though. No matter how hurt he got at the end of the day, he still loved him and that—he never regretted. He felt his body crashing to the ground. He choked on his last breath as he wanted Spock to know that he still loved him.

 

He tried to get his hand to move but it was hard.

 

Spock tried to get in, Jim could see. He was trembling. The pain calloused his mind once more before the dark curtains dropped in his mind. Finally he slipped. The tears in his eyes remained as they were as he closed his eyes and let the darkness claim himself.

_I love you._

 

***

 

_Beep—_

 

Jim opened his eyes.

 

White covered his vision for a second before the blurriness took over. He blinked once and then twice before he saw the white canvas once again covering his vision.

 

What was going on?

 

His mind thrummed in gentle confusion before he closed his eyes tight. Opening them up, he finally saw the white ceiling and felt some kind of familiarity washing into him. He knew this place. His other sensory took a minute later to work when he caught on the smell of disinfectants.

 

Jim slowly turned to his right to look around the place. He heard the silent beep of his heart against the monitor and he felt collectively calm. Seconds passed by before he took in a shaky breath and finally—everything crashed down on him like a ton of bricks.

 

He remembered what happened to him.

 

He gasped out in shock and tried to scramble up to sit down when he felt a hand on his chest gently pushing him back down. “Calm down, Jim,” the familiar gruff voice spoke out and Jim snapped his blue eyes at the familiar brown ones. Bones.

 

“B—Bones,” he croaked out and he winced at how dry his throat felt. His body suddenly gave up on him and he landed on his back with a thud. His head started to pain and he felt like he was better well dead. The doctor sighed as he clutched his PADD tight before he took out his tricorder.

 

“Shut up, Jim,” Bones ushered quietly. “You just woke up after three days coma. Don’t try to speak so much yet.”

 

The blond-haired man quietened down as he tried to absorb the fact. He remembered what happened to him. He was inside this box-thing trying to disable the explosives. He had felt an immense pain at that time and he was sure that he was about to die. Jim’s eyes flickered closed when the image of Spock’s stricken look assaulted his mind immediately.

 

He had felt so many emotions at that time, mostly were resignation. He had thought that this was it—that he was about to die without really experiencing love for real. He knew that he would never regret loving Spock, whether the feelings were returned or not. Opening his eyes, he glanced at the doctor. After a minute, Bones finally looked back at Jim from the vital readings and nodded.

 

“You check out fine even though you’re still weak,” Bones muttered under his breath. Then, his eyes narrowed. “You’re lucky to have survived. Scotty had managed to shoot the photon lasers and break that damn barrier at the end.”

 

“Bones,” Jim huffed out as he tried to grin. Bones however simply shook his head though Jim could see the relief in his eyes.

 

“Shut up, kid,” Bones said as he looked away. Before he could say anything else, the doors to the Sickbay opened and the doctor straightened himself when he saw someone. Jim tried to look past the doctor only to fail at recognising who it was. “Spock.”

 

“Doctor,” Spock greeted him and Jim felt his heart steeling for a second. Bones glanced at Jim before he gave out a nod and asked Nurse Chapel to hand Jim some water. She walked up to him a minute later with the cup of water and helped Jim to slowly sit up against the bed. After that, the doctor took in a deep breath and let Spock close to the blond-haired man.

 

“I’ll check on you an hour later,” Bones said as he took out a hypospray and injected it against Jim’s neck. The captain nodded and he felt slightly refreshed at whatever Bones had given him. Eyeing Spock one last time, Bones patted Jim’s shoulder and walked away from there.

 

Jim glanced up to the half-Vulcan and took a soft breath in when he saw how Spock looked. His First Officer looked dishevelled as if he had given up on being professional. His eyes were in a darker shade of black and his hair, even though it still looked neatly combed, was slightly off at the edges as if Spock had been running his fingers through them over and over.

 

In general, Spock looked as if he had been—grieving.

 

“Captain,” Spock started, jolting Jim out from his thoughts. Jim licked his dry lips and took another sip of the water. He felt slightly better as if he had regained most of his energy back despite initially he felt like he was about to grow weaker. The hypospray seemed to clear the fuzziness in his head and lessened the pain as well.

 

“Spock,” Jim said and tested the name out. It sent something warm down his body at the thought that he was alive, he was alive and he could say Spock’s name for another day. The half-Vulcan simply continued to look at him, calculate him and examine him while he stood rigid near the bed. “Spock—the mission—”

 

“Has been successful,” Spock cut him off and Jim knew that that wasn’t on his mind at the moment. Silence rolled in before Spock looked away. Jim knew he wanted to talk about them—talk about what happened there but at the end, nothing was said between them. “I will brief you on what had happened for the past three point two days in your absence as soon as possible, Captain.”

 

“Spock—”

 

“If you would excuse me, Captain,” Spock said as he turned around and walked out of the Sickbay. Jim once again felt like someone had dropped a huge pile of glass shards in his gut. The hurt lived brightly in him and he looked away from the retreating back, huffing out a breathless laugh.

 

He knew that this was it. He was going to be once again casted aside for his stupidity. But he had to do what he had to do, Jim knew Spock knew that.

 

But he didn’t question about Spock’s weirdness, instead, he let it go for now.

 

***

 

A few days passed by and Jim was finally released from Sickbay when Bones had deemed him well enough to resume his captaincy. In the past few days, his crewmembers came and visited him, talked to him and filled him in on what happened on the days he was out cold. Spock appeared once or twice but Jim could sense the distance in his voice whenever he spoke to him.

 

He never came alone to see Jim.

 

The captain knew why, or at least he thought he did. Bones simply snorted and shook his head the night before he was released. “You should’ve seen him, Jim,” Bones said as Jim looked at his best friend. “He looked like he was better off dead when we brought you in.”

 

Jim knew he was saved at last call. He was just seconds away from slipping to the other side when Bones finally managed to bring him back with every single strand of medical knowledge his mind could conjure up at that moment. The captain felt the slight jitters in his body when he heard Bones telling how Spock was when he almost died.

 

“But—he’s Spock,” Jim said slightly confused. Bones simply shook his head before he turned his lips downwards.

 

“He’s only Vulcan with us,” Bones said. “He’s fully human when it comes to you.”

 

Jim was taken aback at the words as he analysed them. Could it mean Spock had shown emotion—real emotions when he almost died? His eyes widened but the disbelief was blaring loudly in his head. Spock was always so composed, so logical and it was weird to think that Spock could ever lose any sense of that security for something so trivial like his death.

 

Jim always thought he was trivial to the half-Vulcan. He meant nothing logical to Spock.

 

“That’s not true,” Jim said as he looked away. “He’s Spock.”

 

“He _cried_.”

 

The words once again halted any type of denial spurting out from Jim’s mouth. The blond-haired man stared at his best friend, searching those eyes for signs of lies. But at the end, the reality dawned on him that his best friend was serious. Bones rubbed his eyebrows with his thumb and glared at Jim. He licked his lips before he said, “He fucking cried, Jim. Now, you tell me, was he a Vulcan or a human back there?”

 

Bones then left Jim alone to mull on his thoughts. The words were rolling in his head and he started to feel hope bubbling at the surface. Spock cared, his mind screamed at him loudly. Sure, but in what form did he care about Jim?

 

The thoughts had been bothering him ever since that day and now that he was released, he had found his way back to his quarters. He sighed as he stared at the amount of report he had to do for this mission alone. He almost cursed out loud at this cruelty but simply deigned it as one of the perks being captain after a second of silence.

 

He stopped in the middle of the room when his eyes found lingering at the joint bathroom door. He wondered for a second if he could go up to Spock and speak to him—without any of the distance between them. Jim felt something tugging at his heart to do so. It was forcing Jim to get to Spock, to talk to him and to get over and fix this problem between them. The blond-haired man was stricken at how much longing had packed into this one thought alone and immediately took a step back.

 

 

But then his mind continued to pound against his skull and yelled at him mercilessly to go to Spock. Something in his heart wanted to see Spock, face-to-face and eye-to-eye. Didn’t he miss him? Of course he did, more than he would ever fucking believe it himself.

 

He took in a shaky breath at how strong his emotions were. At some point, Jim knew that his feelings weren’t the lingering past feelings from before. It was a new batch—feelings that were developed because he had known this Spock. These feelings however felt different to Jim. They tingled all the way to his toes whenever he indulged himself in them and his mind always turned blank whenever he couldn’t seem to grasp Spock in his hands.

 

It was love—but it was also something more.

 

Something permanent.

 

Something—forever.

 

At that thought, Jim exhaled out and almost laughed at the irony of it all. He had fallen in love with Spock deeper than he suspected only to know that it would never be returned. He rubbed his face as his fingers shook lightly. Though, that didn’t stop him from walking to the bathroom door against his will. What was he going to say to Spock once he saw him?

 

What was he going to say?

 

Jim didn’t get a chance to stop and ponder when the front door chimed. Jim froze halfway towards the bathroom door. He then turned around before he decided that he would talk to whoever it was at the front door first. His heart whined at the idea but Jim deliberately ignored it and walked towards the door. With a ‘Come’ out of his mouth, the doors opened.

 

Jim’s eyes widened when he saw it was none other than Spock, standing in front of him with his arms behind his back. He didn’t know that destiny was being so playful today. He blinked a few times and he felt his breath catching in his throat when he caught Spock’s eyes. Jim noted that he looked slightly better—and more relaxed. The blond-haired man caught slight smell of incense and realised Spock had meditated before coming over here.

 

“Uhm, Spock,” Jim said awkwardly as he felt the back of his neck heating up. The half-Vulcan simply nodded.

 

“Captain,” Spock started but Jim could already feel the intimacy of the words. Deciding that whatever it was he needed to say weren’t suitable for the hallways, Jim moved aside and Spock walked in. The doors closed and immediately awkward silence greeted them. Jim stood a few feet away from Spock and shuffled from one foot to the other as he pondered on what the half-Vulcan was doing here.

 

Could it be he had felt the need to talk to Jim too?

 

That sent some sparks of hope in his heart but once again, he removed it from his mind. It was enough that he had fallen in love with him—it would be futile to get himself hopeful for naught. Jim glanced around him before his eyes fell on the replicator. Clearing his throat to break the silence, he pointed to the replicator.

 

“Do you want anything to drink?” Jim asked. But before he could turn around and walk ahead, Spock had taken a step forward.

 

“Permission to speak freely, Captain?”

 

The tone stopped him. He felt his shoulders rounding as he glanced at Spock. The half-Vulcan had dropped his hands to his sides and all masks were down. What he saw were a mix of emotions ranging from disappointment to—gladness. He gulped at the thought as he looked away.

 

“Of course,” he said under his breath. Silence rolled in for a minute before Jim took in a deep breath. He could already imagine what Spock was going to say. He was going to say that Jim was being too illogical—that he was being troublesome for the rest of the team. He was going to say that Jim had been acting prematurely. He was going to say—

 

“I almost lost you, Jim.”

 

Jim’s eyes immediately snapped to Spock’s face, his heart stopped beating a millisecond and blood flooded his cheeks. He took a step back when he saw how vulnerable Spock looked. Jim felt the guilt showering his mind and the hurt slowly faded to the background. “Spock?” Jim whispered confused. His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to analyse deeper on what that sentence meant.

Spock took a step forward before his lips thinned. “I almost lost you, Jim. You almost died.”

 

Jim felt his mind stuttering to a stop as he looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. He knew where this was going. He knew it. “I had to do what I had to do, Spock,” Jim said as if he had rehearsed that line in his head. “I’m the Captain of this ship. It’s a risk I had to take to save everyone else in my care.” He then looked at Spock in the eyes. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take again even if it means I’ll die.”

 

Spock’s jaw clicked tight and Jim was suddenly taken aback at something dangerous flashing in those dark orbs. Tense silence washed in and Jim felt like someone was trying to choke him from within. Spock? Why was Spock looking at him so—angrily? Jim didn’t know how to piece the mystery in front of him without feeling hopeful.

 

“As your First Officer, I had advised against that method,” Spock said though his voice was low and dark. Jim flinched at the tone and wondered even more at what happened to his First Officer all of a sudden. “As your First Officer, I had said that there was another way if you had waited.”

 

Jim suddenly felt like a child being nagged for taking sweets before dinner. A sudden spike of irritation zapped through him as he narrowed his eyes at the half-Vulcan. “I had to do what I had to do, Spock,” he rationalised. “You know that! As my First Officer, you knew that this was the most logical course of action.”

 

“As your friend,” Spock continued as if he hadn’t heard Jim. “It was the worst decision despite how I view it.”

 

“Spock—”

 

“It was the most immature course of action, sacrificing your life for the rest of us without a care,” Spock gritted out as his eyes were drowning itself in anger. Jim had to take a step back when Spock approached him. “You did not think for a minute about how your friends, how the person who cares about you would have felt if you died back there.”

 

“Spock—”

 

 

Somehow Spock didn’t stop pursuing him until Jim’s back hit the the wall. He felt his breath hitch in his throat, his eyes widening in pure confusion and slight hope when Spock finally placed a hand next to his head and trapped him against him. “Spock, what are you—”

 

Spock leaned down and stared at Jim in the eyes and Jim looked at them, despite how little he knew about what the half-Vulcan was thinking now. “Did you, Jim,” Spock continued and Jim could feel his breath against his face. “Think for a second how it would have affected me to have to watch you die in front of my eyes?”

 

The stunned silence took over again and Jim had to brace himself from taking a huge gasp. He felt like he couldn’t breathe as he looked at the half-Vulcan in the eyes. His heart was now sure that it was hopeful of what this could turn into. “S—Spock?” Jim questioned. “I—”

 

“Did you, Jim?” Spock asked as his voice softened and the anger slowly burned away into something resigned.

 

Jim gulped down the guilt that was threatening to take over himself. “I—” but he didn’t know how to continue. He looked away as he placed himself against the wall, hoping he could just melt against it. “I had to do what I had to do. I have to be the Captain first before I can be anything else. You know this, Spock. You’re—you’re the same too.”

 

“And yet I have failed to separate my professionalism with my personal affairs,” Spock said defeated and Jim clenched his eyes tight.

 

“Please,” Jim said as he placed a hand on Spock’s chest and tried to budge him off. “ _Don’t_.”

 

“Jim,” Spock started but Jim didn’t want to listen. He shook his head as he opened his eyes and looked at Spock.

 

“Don’t,” he said it again. “Don’t do this. You don’t want this, Spock! You don’t—you made it clear. You don’t want this. I—I can’t do this with you again.”

 

Spock however didn’t budge. The half-Vulcan simply thinned his lips before Jim saw something in those orbs. The confusion slowly disappeared as the realisation started to dawn on him. “I did not—I did not say anything to warrant you into thinking this way. You had not given a chance for me to respond to your feelings, Jim. You had ran away and died in front of me. You did not give me a chance to redeem myself. It was selfish of you to do this to me. You had once again disrupted my logical sense and stripped me to my primal core, like you always had been able to from the start.”

 

“Spock,” Jim whispered under his breath as his blue eyes searched those eyes. “I didn’t—I didn’t,” he said but he stopped himself. “I didn’t think you’ll feel the same way. You can’t—there’s no way. There’s nothing logical about us, Spock!” Jim finally said and managed to push Spock away. He then got out from Spock’s personal space and started to pace the room.

 

Frustration started to boil in him. How could it be like this? He was supposed to forget about Spock, he was supposed to move on. He was—he was supposed to be him again. He felt broken nevertheless. He would only feel complete if he could have Spock once more, he knew that. “Jim—”

 

“I’m not logical, okay?” Jim stopped pacing and turned around to see Spock. “You know that and we tried anyways. You experienced my first hand jealousy, you felt it too. I grew up, Spock, seven years had gone by but that boy with insecurities, that person you fell in love with once upon a time is still in here. I can’t—I can’t put you through that again. And besides, you—you don’t feel the same way. You don’t even—you kissed me that night Spock and acted as if nothing—”

 

“I was given the impression that you would want to forget it,” Spock said as he took a step forward and silenced him. “Jim, you were never illogical to me. As I saw you, you were the most logical choice back then—and even now. It remains the same, my perspective of you. My feelings did not disappear neither did they linger. I had taken a dislike of you when you left me but as I got to relearn who you were once before, I realised I was at fault in our ended liaison as much as you are.”

 

Jim felt his heart quivering at the thought that Spock—he wanted this too, he had longed for this too, that he had missed Jim as much as he missed him. He looked away and he felt his mind whirling around. “You had said you love me,” Spock continued. “Did you mean it?”

 

“Spock,” Jim said under his breath. He looked at the half-Vulcan in the eyes. “Of course I did! I don’t just simply say things like that out of the blue.”

 

“I do not either, Jim,” Spock said. “I do not believe that feelings hold merits. It never did in the past as I had seen how my mother had to accustom to our culture, had to refrain from showing emotions because she would be looked down upon by the rest. I do not believe in the fact that emotions are useful but you, Jim had proved me wrong. I admit, at first it was uneasy to have to feel this for you after what happened to us in the past, but—I do not regret ever spending my time with you.”

 

Jim felt his heart panging at the words. “When you kissed me—”

 

“It was not because I was drunk,” Spock admitted. “I was not intoxicated. I was as logical as I am now.” Jim could see the wash of guilt in those orbs. “And I had taken advantage of your intoxicated state when I kissed you.”

 

“So, you stopped me because you thought I didn’t want it?” Jim asked and Spock looked away. “Spock,” Jim said softly and then, he realised why Spock acted like the way he did. He was making sure if Jim really wanted this. He felt the tremors of fear leaving his body immediately. He felt—relieved. But he was still unsteady of this.

 

“You love me, Spock?” Jim asked after a minute. Spock looked at him and a few seconds of silence passed. Jim felt the nervousness bubbled inside of him. The half-Vulcan however took a few steps forward until Jim was in front of him. The distance between them was once again lessened and Jim was mildly shaken inside at how quickly this was progressing.

 

Jim realised that Spock hesitated for a second but then something in the half-Vulcan must’ve resolved because the next thing he knew it, Spock had placed both of his palms against Jim’s face. The skin-on-skin contact took Jim off guard and his eyes widened at the familiarity. His mind went steadily blank and his felt hot. “S—Spock…”

 

“What I feel for you, Jim,” Spock said under his breath. “Is something much deeper than love.”

 

Jim closed his eyes at the word and the hope burst into something bright in him. At the end, he couldn’t help but to smile at Spock. Though he was still scared inside after what they had gone through in the past, he felt lucky that his love—his only love—could love him back. It was easy to fall in love, it’s harder to get the person who you love to love you back, Bones had said to him once somewhere in between and Jim guessed it was true.

 

“What if,” Jim started. “What if we got hurt again? What if at the end, this is useless.” _What if I’m useless?_

 

Spock huffed out what seemed like a sigh and his eyes narrowed down to the blue ones. “Jim,” he said sharply though without lace of affection. And Jim realised now that the warmth he had been seeing in Spock’s eyes was affection. He felt like he was being wrapped in cotton candy and placed under the warm sunshine. He felt like he was back— _home_. “I had never stopped loving you. Even when I had started to dislike you, I could not stop loving you. I had already forgiven you long ago, Jim.”

 

Jim’s eyes felt watery as he couldn’t help but to smile. “So you lied that day, didn’t you? When I asked if you had forgiven me.”

 

“I did not think it would change the fact that you would still have reserved thoughts about me,” Spock admitted. “I could never hate you, Jim.”

 

“Ironically, I can’t either, can’t hate you ever, Spock,” Jim said as he tried to blink away the tears. “God, I didn’t want to fall for you, Spock. I just wanted to be with you. Just to be close to you but—I started to see the real you, somewhere I ended up loving you. I couldn’t stop. I don’t think I can stop this time. If I—If you leave me, Spock, if we started this only for you to leave me, I don’t think I can—”

 

“I will not,” was the firm answer. “And you will not leave me either, Jim. You will not. Especially not like how you almost left me three point two days ago. I will not let you go, not anymore.”

 

Jim felt something dangerous running down his spine at the words. He felt as if every strand of confusion, anger and disappointment melted away at the background. Spock had wanted the same thing as well—he wanted Jim as well. He needed him just as much Jim needed him. The bright light in him was bathing him from within, he knew it so. “That’s cocky,” Jim teased as he tried to ease away from the tenseness they experienced a second ago.

 

One of Spock’s hands dropped away from his face to his waist and Jim had to refrain himself from being overly taken aback at the sudden pull for him to invade Spock’s personal space. Right in Spock’s face, Jim held his breath when he locked eyes with those familiar dark orbs. “It is not cocky,” Spock said as his voice was barely above a whisper. His breath rolled against Jim’s lips and the blond-haired man had to steel back his nerves from launching himself at the half-Vulcan.

 

Jim gingerly raised his right hand and placed it on Spock’s shoulder. He licked his lips as his eyes dropped to those lips. He suddenly wanted to taste them again. He wanted them on him again. He slowly dragged his fingers to Spock’s neck and trailed the cooler flesh, feeling and memorising it under his fingertips. He still felt like he was dreaming.

 

This couldn’t possibly be true. However, Spock didn’t let him think more as his other hand trailed down to his cheek and started caressing it there. “I want you, forever,” Jim said under his breath and somehow, he didn’t care that he had said it out loud. Spock’s lips quirked upwards as he leaned down and his lips gently grazed Jim’s own lips.

 

“I am yours,” Spock said and Jim chuckled a bit before he closed his eyes. He laced his ringer fingers through Spock’s hair at the back of his neck and tugged him against his own lips. Fully against it, he felt Spock’s grip tightening against his waist and the fingers on his face aligning them to grasp his face gently.

_And I’m yours_ , he muttered in his mind as he kissed him deeply. The longing was poured in between them and every single distance between them closed up in that exact moment. Spock didn’t hesitate to taste Jim as well and Jim let him, he had missed Spock and he didn’t want to forget this moment at all.

 

He broke the kiss for a second to gulp air before Spock had dragged him back to the kiss, not letting him have his own space as if he would never let Jim go after this. Secretly, Jim didn’t want Spock to let him go either. He wanted this to last. He wanted them to last forever.

 

This time—something told him that they would.

 

It was just a gut feeling. Jim knew it so. He hoped he was not wrong this time too. As they broke apart for the second time, Jim opened his eyes and looked at Spock. He took in how Spock looked, his hair a mess and his lips slightly swollen. His cheeks were in a light green and he couldn’t help but to smile wide when he saw how the tip of his ears were a darker shade of green.

 

“Jim,” Spock started and his voice sounded so raw that Jim had to refrain from shivering at the thought that he had done that to him. “Do not do something as careless as that ever again.”

 

“Spock,” Jim said as he tried to reign himself from huffing out annoyed. “I’m the captain, you would do the same too—”

 

“I do not want to lose you again, Jim,” Spock said and Jim quietened at the words. “As your friend, as someone who cares about you, please do be careful.”

 

Jim knew that Spock was hoping on something that would likely be hard to be kept as a word but Jim nodded anyways. He leaned his forehead against Spock’s and kept him in place as he closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “I’ll try,” he said because that was the closest he could do to keeping his word. A few seconds of silence passed on between them before Jim opened his eyes.

 

He saw the resignation in Spock’s eyes but they weren’t defeated.

 

“I will keep you safe,” Spock said and Jim had to smile at that even though Jim knew he would do the same thing too. “I do not wish to lose you.”

 

Spock gently grabbed onto Jim’s left hand and laced their fingers together. Jim knew well of the Vulcan Kiss and willingly extended his forefinger and middle finger. Spock smiled, one of those rare smiles that Jim only saw them on certain occasions and caressed them. Jim felt the familiar thrums of affection in his bones. Though, Jim noted, that they didn’t feel exactly the same either.

 

It was deeper, it had revolved. It was—them.

 

It was _them_.

 

Jim had to chuckle a bit and Spock simply dragged Jim into another kiss. He could feel the words being whispered between them. “I love you,” Jim muttered against his lips.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Jim’s eyes widened at the words. He pulled away a bit and looked at Spock. The half-Vulcan noticed the shock that he had said it out loud. “I had never said them to you, Jim,” Spock said. “I will not make the same mistake twice.”

 

The blond-haired man never really taken hard feeling about Spock’s lack of responses whenever he said he loved him. Even at that time, Jim knew Spock had hard times expressing his feelings for Jim. But now, to see that the half-Vulcan was willing to do it just to keep him around made his heart flutter. He nodded and he knew he looked like an idiot, smiling brightly despite his eyes were beginning to water. Before Spock could comprehend on what was happening, he took a step back, separating himself from Spock and then wrapped his arms around Spock, dragging the taller man to a hug.

 

Spock went rigid under his touch but it was only for a second before he wrapped his arms around Jim as well. They stayed like that for a while, the peace between them rang loudly in the room. Jim buried his face in Spock’s shoulder and took in the scent of incense and spices. He had loved this scent and he would forever be.

 

He loved Spock. He wouldn’t screw this up, no more.

 

They didn’t speak much more after that, whatever they had wanted to say was said and whatever’s left was just something for next time. Jim held Spock as if he would never let him go ever again and Spock squeezed him gently in the hug responding the same.

 

For once after seven years, they fell back into one piece once more.

 

No matter how hard they pulled, they snapped back into place like they were meant to be.

 

Somewhere deep inside Jim’s mind, it cooed to him gently that this was how it ought to be.

 

This was their destiny.

 

Jim—he would cherish that and Spock did too.

 

His love will remain no matter how long or how bumpy their road got.

 

This time, they would make it.

 

 

***  
EPILOGUE  
**Two Years Later…  
** ***

 

Jim opened his eyes as the morning light filtered through the curtains and brightened the room. The blond-haired man didn’t know what precisely woke him up, but he did. He blinked a few times to get used to the room’s brightness before he yawned. His back hurt and his whole body felt stiff from sleeping at the same side the whole night.

 

He took a few seconds to clear off the fuzziness in his mind before he wondered the time. Just then, he felt something heavy on him, possibly the thing tightened its grip on Jim’s waist, keeping him on his right side. Then, he felt it nuzzling the back of his neck and Jim shuddered silently at the slight tickling sensation.

 

A moment passed by before Jim looked down to his waist and saw a hand. He couldn’t help but to smile warmly when he realised who it was. He placed his own hand on Spock’s hand and interlinked their fingers. The warmth pulsing through them had made Jim felt safe once more.

 

“Jim,” Spock’s voice broke out Jim’s thoughts. Vulcans rarely needed rest but that doesn’t mean they didn’t have to when they needed to. They were on a break for three months while the U.S.S Enterprise was being serviced before she could be deported back to space with him. Yesterday they had arrived to their apartment, a place they had bought together after the first few times they had went back to Earth, and straight headed to bed after a hot shower—water shower.

 

It felt good to come home.

 

Home, Jim mused in his mind as he glanced at Spock. Yes, _home_.

 

“Hm?” Jim questioned though he knew he sounded sleepy. The grip of their interlinked fingers pressured slightly before he felt Spock move, pulling Jim to roll over and face him. Jim moved to his back before he looked to his left and groaned when he felt the tension in his neck. Spock was looking at him, his hair mused up and his eyes simply blank though Jim could see the affection at the edges.

 

“What?” Jim asked as Spock simply crooked one of his lips upwards.

 

“It is still early, Jim. You should sleep,” he said and Jim stifled another yawn.

 

“It seems morning already, Spock, the Sun’s up,” Jim mumbled though he was having a hard time trying to stay awake. The mission before their break was brutal and harsh despite Jim was glad he didn’t lose any of his crewmembers. Spock was with him throughout every step and despite it all, they were still exhausted by the end they got their break.

 

“Sleep, Jim,” Spock ushered as he caressed their fingers. Jim smiled warmly at his lover before he gave up and nodded.

 

It didn’t take long for Bones to find out about their relationship. At first, the doctor was wary and he kept on making sure that Jim was fine. But at the end, Bones simply had gotten over the fact that they were together. Even so, even until now, the doctor had made sure Jim was at least happy—that he still loved Spock as much as Spock loved him.

 

Uhura found out about it next and she knew it from Spock. At first she frowned but at the end, she accepted Jim even though she threatened to murder him in his sleep if he ever hurt Spock again. Jim knew she was as protective as Bones was when it came to him and Spock, so he nodded and assured her that he was never going to do that—not anymore.

 

Their relationship started off shaky. Jim was still insecure, Spock was still trying to handle these new feelings. Both didn’t want the other to get hurt, to feel neglected, to feel as if they didn’t know who their partner was anymore. Both tried to navigate the problem properly. But as time went by, their love strengthened instead of weakened and Jim felt a new clarity when their first year started to turn into their second year.

 

Unlike nine years ago, this relationship was becoming stronger instead of weaker and Jim recognised it as trust playing the main role. Jim had always trusted Spock and now, he had given the trust completely to the half-Vulcan especially when they were on the field trying to keep themselves alive. This time, it felt like they were about to go on forever—and somehow, they were.

 

“I love you,” Jim muttered and Spock didn’t go rigid. Jim was still expecting Spock to do so like he usually did whenever Jim said his affections out loud, but not this time. True to Spock’s words two years ago, Spock simply never froze. It was as if this time, it was genuine—it was true.

 

Spock’s eyes twinkled and Jim couldn’t help but to chuckle sleepily. “I love you too, Jim.”

 

The words still felt foreign to his ears and somehow, he would never tire of hearing them. “Now, sleep, Jim.”

 

“Stay by my side,” Jim said softly. Spock simply scooted closer before he scooped Jim up using his free hand and dragged him to his chest.

 

“Always,” Spock said in his ear and Jim sighed relieved. Silence then took over as Jim felt the cooler body temperature radiating against him. His heart coiled happily at the words and he knew that this time, Spock meant them.

 

He never said things he never meant.

 

He meant them.

 

Jim let the darkness to claim him as he slipped into his sleep.

 

They were meant forever.

 

**The End**


End file.
